Page 31 of Recovering Ivy (Red Team #4)

Zane

The first time I’d ever told a woman I loved her, and it was done in anger. Goddamn, I hadn’t wanted to say those words, yet nor was I ready to fully admit to myself what I was feeling but fuck she was killing me.

“Don’t say that to me,” she pleaded, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Her arms were wrapped tightly around her body and her shoulders slumped forward. Before we could go any further, I needed her to understand who I was.

“I will fight for us, Ivy. I have never lied to you and I never will. There will be things about work I cannot tell you and you’re gonna have to find a way to be okay with that.

But when it comes to us? Nothing but honesty.

I’ve never held back with you and I won’t start now.

” I took the last few strides and stopped in front of her, my hands moving to her face as I held her eyes.

“Everything I have done is to protect you. I never understood why my brother acted like a complete idiot when it came to Jasmin. I couldn’t fathom why he’d push her to the brink of insanity about her not working while pregnant.

I get it now. The thought of not having you is so overwhelming, all rational reasoning flies out the window.

If someone hurt you or took you away from me, there is nothing I wouldn’t do to get you back.

I’ll fight to the death for you. I’ll bleed to have you by my side.

I’ll kill if it means you are safe. All I need is for you to tell me you want this, you want us as much as I do, and I’ll battle every demon you have until there is nothing left but peace.

All I need is your permission and I promise you I will never let you leave me. ”

“I’m not worth it,” she cried.

“You are.”

“You deserve better. Someone who’s not fucked up and broken.”

“You let me decide what I deserve.”

“But…”

“No buts. Baby, tell me you want this, and I will give it to you.”

“I love you,” she whispered.

Thank fuck. We were getting somewhere.

“Then tell me I have your permission to give you everything you’ve ever wanted.”

“Please don’t let me leave.” The plea ripped from her throat and she sobbed.

There it was.

All I needed.

I scooped her up in my arms and walked the rest of the way to the bed.

I laid her down and yanked my tee over my head and quickly shucked my pants.

Once I was free of my clothes, I went about divesting her of hers.

I slid into bed and tucked her tight against my side.

This wasn’t about fucking or physical pleasure.

I needed to feel her skin against mine. I needed her warmth to soak deep into my soul and soothe the racket she’d caused. I couldn’t lose her .

After awhile she finally spoke.

“I’m sorry,” she said and kissed my chest.

“There is nothing to be sorry for.”

“There is. I completely freaked out, and to make matters worse I did it in front of your friends.”

“What happened?” I asked, needing to know, so I knew how to stop it from happening again in the future.

“Honestly, it started when we were at the office. They came in dressed to the nines, and I was reminded of our divide. Then when we got here and they were so open and friendly, I started thinking about how and why I’d always closed myself off.

And when they asked me about you, and Violet told me Jaxon was going to move my stuff, I panicked.

I know it sounds crazy and I must look like a whiny bitch, but please understand after years of conditioning I literally don’t know any other way.

To make matters worse, in the past I’ve never cared enough about anyone for my issues to be a problem.

I don’t allow myself to connect to anyone and, if someone gets too close, I’ve learned how to turn my emotions off and walk away before they can hurt me. ”

“The first time I had someone die in front of me I was fresh out of BUD/s and on my first deployment. It was supposed to be an easy patrol. Nothing had happened in the region for months. We were walking through an abandoned section of the city. The six of us were joking and laughing about the lack of available women on the Navy base we were attached to. Out of nowhere the man next to me was shot in the throat. Luckiest fucking shot I’ve ever seen, just above where his body armor stopped.

I froze. Completely paralyzed. One minute Brent was talking about getting laid, the next he was at my feet, dead.

When I finally snapped to, I panicked, and, in those moments, I questioned my career choice, my life, my ability to be in the field.

When we got back to base I was beating myself up; I spent an hour in the shower scrubbing away the memory of Brent dying, then more time in the gym punching a heavy bag until the blood I’d been trying to clean off my soul ran down my hands.

With my knuckles torn to shit, an old Master Chief came in and gave me a dressing down.

Not because I panicked. He was pissed about how I’d responded.

I didn’t get it when he was screaming in my face but years later I did.

It’s not the panic or the pinch in your gut when faced with an extreme situation that is the problem, it’s your reaction to it. ”

“Baby, I can’t promise you won’t feel the pressure bubbling up again, but I can promise you we’ll figure out a way not to let it eat you alive. There are nightmares I can beat back for you and there are some I have to teach you how to fight yourself. Either way, I’m with you every step of the way.”

I had never told another person how I’d felt watching Brent die, not even the Master Chief.

And to this day I’d never admit I still felt the fear in my gut when in the thick of a firefight.

Though now, it was the fear of losing one of my men, not my own life.

I’d long ago come to terms with my mortality.

“I’m afraid I’ll freak out again and again and one day you’ll get sick of it.”

“There’s nothing to be afraid of. And it will happen again. Accept it and move on.”

Ivy snuggled in closer before she began, “You know, Sarah wasn’t all bad.

There were times she tried to show me she loved me.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to forget specific moments in time and I’ve erased all the good.

” I felt wetness on my chest and Ivy’s small frame started to shake in my arms. “Sometimes she’d come and pull me out of school and we’d go to the beach.

She’d buy us frozen lemonades and we’d walk the boardwalk, or I’d get home and she’d be baking a cake for no reason.

Those moments were few and far between but just enough to make the times she’d forgotten to pick me up from school until after dark, or forgot it was my birthday, all that much harder.

She’d give me a taste of sweet then rip it away.

That’s what I’m waiting for, you to be ripped away from me. ”

“Not gonna happen.”

“I need you, Zane.” I caught her hand as she started a slow glide down my stomach toward my cock.

“No, baby. You need this; me holding you, loving you. I don’t need to use my body to give you what you need.”

It didn’t take Ivy long to cry herself to sleep. I held her through her tears and long after before I finally closed my eyes and followed.

I hoped like hell I was man enough to keep my promises. There was nowhere else I’d want to be than wrapped up in Ivy.

“Where are you going?” I asked when Ivy started to move away.

“To start the coffee.” I opened my eyes to see sun peeking through the cracks of the wood slats of the blinds.

I kissed the top of her head and loosened my grip.

I waited for her to leave the room before I rolled to my side and tucked her pillow under my head.

With a deep inhale I breathed in her smell still on the fabric.

When had I become this guy? The sap that sought comfort in the scent of a woman.

How was it possible for her to calm my racing mind with just her presence?

Many women had tried and failed to break through my stone-encased heart.

Ivy didn’t have to try; she simply was the one I was meant for. She was made for me in every way.

It hadn’t taken long for my need to see her to outweigh my exhaustion. Grabbing a pair of sweats I went into the living room and spotted her in the kitchen. Eggs, bacon, and milk spread out over the island as she pulled a pan from the cabinet.

Breakfast.

Even the mornings she’d been staying here we’d yet to sit down to eat. We’d grab coffee and go, stopping for food on the way to the office.

The sight of her cooking should’ve scared the living shit out of me, but it didn’t. As with everything that was Ivy, it made my heart beat faster as I took her in. She viewed herself as broken; I saw nothing but perfection.

She was everything I didn’t know I needed.

“Hey. Everything okay?” she asked when she noticed me watching her.

I didn’t bother answering; instead, I moved across the room and pulled her into my arms.

“It is now.”

I bent and captured her mouth, the sweep of her tongue against mine had me rethinking breakfast. If this meal hadn’t been the most important of my life, I would’ve taken her back to bed and showed her just how okay everything was. But, this was our first breakfast together.

I pulled back and broke the kiss. “New rule. Sunday breakfast.”

“I thought you didn’t do breakfast?” She winked.

“I didn’t. I do now.”