Page 134 of Pretty Broken Wings

I don’t feel bad. At all. Raven deserved to have someone wipe this shitstain from the earth.

But I wish she knew.

I grab my bag and go back inside. Stripping out of the bloody clothes I was wearing, I change into clean ones. I use the mask towipe the blood from my bat. I sent Dave home after he dropped me off. I’ll walk as far as I can go and then hitch a ride home.

The walk serves to numb me beautifully. Somewhere, some trucker picks me up and drops me off at the edge of Hollows Grove. It’s a long walk back to my place, but also short at the same time. All I can think about is Raven.

When I’m back home, I light my clothes on fire in the bathtub, which sets the fire alarm off. Once I get that calmed down, I shower, scrubbing every last fleck of blood off me and down the drain. Then, I fill the tub with water and bleach, throw the bat into it, and let it sit. As I stare at the bat, I feel a wash of overwhelming exhaustion. The hatred is gone for the first time in… forever. My chest feels empty. Numb. Fuzzy.

It’s a weird feeling. I must just be too exhausted to feel anything.

I need to go. To go start another life before I kidnap Raven again and go down a path that there’s truly no coming back from.

Before I go, I need to drop Raven’s bat off with her again. Kinda a sentimental touch. It’s her security, and I don’t mean to take it from her.

Or maybe I can buy her a new one.

I will. Tomorrow.

For now, I crawl into the same bed I tied Raven to, imagining I can still smell her scent. And then I drift off.

The next morning, my arms hurt. I search for that hatred, that ever-present rage. But it’s not there. Or if it is, it’s lurking somewhere in the background.

Fuck. I should have started killing creeps a lot sooner.

The bat is still in the tub, and I fish it out of the cold water. I don’t want to buy her another. I want her to have this one. It’s a trophy. She deserves to have the trophy. Now that it’s clear of DNA, it won’t get her in any trouble. Maybe I can ask Gage?

No. I most definitely cannot ask Gage. I’m supposed to be leaving.

Jesus. I don’t want to go. Where will I go? Everything I know is here. But staying here and watching Gage and Raven?

Nope. I’d go to prison. For sure, no questions asked. I’d force Raven to live with me, and this time, I wouldn’t let her go. Because Gage makes her happy, he could stay. As long as he doesn’t try to keep her from me.

Sharing?

I turn the idea around in my head.

Raven is happy with Gage. They can be sweet and insufferable together. But she’s not all sweetness. She has a nasty side to her that wants out. I just know it. And that side is for me.

Nope. Dangerous thoughts. Not for me, but for her.

I’ll just drop the bat off and figure it out from there. Just one step at a time. Mom drives me to Gage’s house, and the drive goes by in a blur. I think she’s talking to me, telling me about how Rich has gone hunting, and it’s nice to have the house to herself. Then, we’re there.

“Are you okay?” Mom asks quietly.

I blink. No. I’m not okay. The woman I can’t keep my thoughts away from hates me, and rightfully so. But instead of saying that, I turn and give Mom the same look she used to give us when we’d ask her the same thing as kids. “I’m okay. Just tired.”

For a second, I think Mom is going to call me on my bullshit. Surely she knows I’m lying to her. She used to do the same to me.

But instead, she just says, “Okay. Tell Raven I said hi.”

I won’t be doing anything of the sort. But I step out of the car, saying, “Love you.”

I wait till Mom pulls away. I can’t go in the front door. I’ll snatch her up if I see her.

So I go to the back door, slip the bat inside, then step away. That step feels like I’m ripping velcro away. It feels wrong.

Fuck. I force myself to go, and as I do, I sense movement on the porch.