Page 151 of Pretend You Love Me

Chapter Forty-Four

Brooklyn

He promised to come to my doctor’s appointment. He left a note promising me, but I’m a ball of nerves. I didn’t think I'd wake up alone the next morning after we were together at the cabin. There were flowers waiting for me when I got home and more sent each day with notes saying he misses me, he can’t wait to see me again, he’s counting down the minutes.

I want to believe with everything I am that this will work out, but there’s a nagging in the back of my mind. I don’t know him – not in the way I need. He’s never let me in. There’s something dark in his past, and it’s keeping us from moving forward.

But the fact is - I love him.

I’ve been fighting it, but there it is – I love him. No matter if I want to or not; there’s no choice. I just love him, but love isn’t always enough. We have to figure out how to co-parent, how to be partners for this baby. That’s the most important thing. My heart will mend eventually.

I’m still on Christmas break, so I’m working on a few projects around my house when I hear a knock at the door. My heart nearly bursts when I open it. He’s standing with flowers and a big box, his face full of hope. Damn it, I’ve just given myself a speech on how my feelings don’t matter. My stomach is fluttering as he holds out the flowers.

“Thank you. I didn’t think you would be in town until tomorrow.”

“I was able to get things done earlier than I thought. Can I come in?”

He follows me inside. I place the flowers in the center of the table with the others and then laugh, “I’m not going to have anywhere to eat if you keep giving me flowers.”

A smile grows across his face as he steps closer to me. “I’ve missed you.”

I don’t answer. I’m so torn. I want to fall into his arms, surrender to him; but I also need to be responsible.

He notices the concern on my face and doesn’t come any closer. “Can we talk?”

“Sure.” I nod over to the living room. I sit on the couch, and he sits across from me in a chair. He sets the box between us and rubs his hands on his thighs nervously.

“What’s in the box?” I ask.

His eyes meet mine. “Letters.”

My eyebrow arches, and he continues, “I started writing you letters after you left this Fall. I’ve thought about sending them to you, but it just never seemed right. I’d like to read them to you now if that’s okay.”

“Of course.” My heart is pounding. I’m glad he’s not sitting closer to me. He opens the box and pulls out a big stack of paper.

“You’ve been busy.”

“I’ve had a lot on my mind,” he says without looking up. He clears his throat and starts reading the first one.

Brooklyn,

I’m better at writing than talking, so I’ve decided to write you letters. You were here last week. It felt like you’d come home to me, and then you left. My heart is shattered. I can’t eat or sleep. I should pick up the phone. I should fly across the country and beg on my knees for you to be with me, but I can’t.I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the things you said before you left. You don’t know me. I’m keeping too many secrets.

You are right. I have put a wall up. A lot has happened the last few years, and I’ve shut down. I haven’t had a reason to move past everything, but now I do. Brooklyn, I don’t know how to tear down this wall, but I’m going to try. You deserve more than I’ve given you.

We deserve more.

I miss you.

Kip

My throat feels dry all the sudden, and my eyes feel wet. I blink a few times. I wasn’t expecting any of this. His eyes flick up to mine, and I nod for him to continue.

Brooklyn,

I wanted you to know I’ve made an appointment with a therapist. It’s time. It’s overdue.

Kip