Page 122 of Pretend You Love Me

“She needs you here,” Will says, firmly.

“That should have been her decision though.”

He shrugs.

“I should go. I don’t want to ruin her Christmas.” My hands are still on the table. I’m just staring down at the grain of the wood.

“Can’t.”

I jerk my head up. “What?”

Will points out the window. “No one’s getting out of here in this weather. I heard one of the Secret Service agents tell James that no one is coming in or out for three days.”

I grab the back of my neck. I’d like to project all my anger onto Will, but I know that he’s just trying to help, and he has no idea what happened last time we saw each other.

“I mess things up with her.” My eyes are still looking out the window. “I really fucked it up.”

He pats me on the back. “Then fix it.”

“I don’t think I can.” I shake my head. My whole body feels tired all the sudden.

“Try.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose and think about the awful things I said to her last time I saw her. If another man talked to her like that, I’d rearrange his face so badly he’d need a doctor to put it back together.

“She’s having a really hard time.” Will’s leaning up against one of the walls, just watching me. “Since everything with her stepfather.”

I blow out a long exhale.“She looks tired.”

She’s lost weight too. Her body is really covered up in that ridiculous Christmas sweater, but her face looks thinner and the parts of her legs that I can see. She didn’t need to lose any weight - at all. I’m worried. I’m glad she was eating those cookies earlier although she was eating them like she hadn’t had food in weeks. I rub the back of my neck.

“Is she eating?” I ask. Something flashes across Will’s face that I can’t quite place. He clears his throat. “She’s having a hard time with everything.”

I nod. “Is she seeing someone?”

“Yes. She started therapy around Thanksgiving. She’s only opened up so much to me, but I know she was having a lot of nightmares. Seeing her stepfather brought back a lot of memories she’d suppressed, and she’s having to work through all of that, and of course, there’s been no word about her mom or sister.”

“Shit.” I knew she had all of this going on - not quite the extent of it, but I knew everything going on in her life, and I was still a selfish, cruel, bastard last time I saw her. If I were her, I’d be pissed off with me too. And the dickhead part of me is still reeling at the thought of her with another man. I keep picturing that guy on top of her, inside her, and it makes me sick. I know it’s none of my business, but it’s absolutely eating me alive.

“Do what you need to do to make it right,” Will says. “She’s worth it.

“I know she’s worth it,” I say without hesitation.I’m just not sure I’m worth it.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Brooklyn

I did a pretty good job of avoiding Kip all day. I played Mario Cart with Declan, Juno, and Keene for about three hours then I decorated cookies with Elizabeth and Zadie. Every time he came into a room, I found a reason to be somewhere else. Will told me he wanted to leave, but the roads aren’t passable. Just my luck.

I couldn’t avoid him at dinner, unfortunately, but I made a point to sit far away from him which meant I had to sit at the adult side of the table. Normally we are divided into the older “more mature” siblings at one end - James, Will, and Zadie with their spouses. Eli and I normally end up in the middle and then Declan, Juno, and Keene are together at the other end. Maggie and Celeste float from one end to the other depending on the meal. The “kid” side is always more fun. With the mature group, you may find yourself in an unfortunate conversation about the debt ceiling or something else equally mind numbing.

I’m between Zadie and Elizabeth at dinner. I try to ignore the other end of the table, but they are just having too much damn fun. I keep stealing glances at Kip who was joking and laughing along with the rest of them. I can’t quite make out what they are saying though. I have a feeling they are telling stories about me.

“Are you not drinking either?” Zadie asks, pointing to my untouched glass of wine. My eyes flash over to it. This is a make or break moment, and I don’t want to give everything away right now in front of everyone.

“It’s a part of that whole healthy eating thing she’s doing,” Will jumps in before I can answer. “No meat. No alcohol.”

“But you can eat sugar and pasta?” Elizabeth wrinkles her nose.