Page 123 of Pretend You Love Me

“Well, I’m just eliminating a few things at a time to see if I have any sensitivities.”

Zadie and Elizabeth just nod. I think they are pretty satisfied with this answer and then Zadie says, “You know, you’re really not supposed to do something like that until January. Who starts during the holidays?”

I’m actually really struggling to eat anything because I can smell the meatballs on everyone else's plates. Is your sense of smell heightened when you’re pregnant? I think it is because I swear the smell of meat is overwhelming me and turning my stomach.

“You don’t seem very hungry.” Elizabeth looks at my plate where I’m twirling and untwirling pasta, so it looks like I’m eating.

“Too many cookies,” I laugh. This is not entirely a lie.

“Those ginger ones are amazing. Zadie, you’ll have to give me the recipe.”

Elizabeth, Celeste, and Zadie launch into a conversation about three types of ginger, and I zone out for the rest of the meal. After we’ve cleaned up from dinner, James calls everyone into the living room to play charades. I sit far away from Kip, so we aren’t on the same team. It’s torturing me to have him here. If Will knew the things he said to me last time we spoke, he’d be out on his ass - blizzard or not. I’ve spent the last few weeks stewing over the whole situation. I know I have to tell him about the baby. I know he has legal rights, but the whole thing just makes me sick.

I’d rather just do it alone, maybe he’ll just agree to sign over his rights or something? I’m not even sure how that will work, but really, how involved could he be since he lives four thousand miles away?

A thought hits me and I shudder a little. Will I have to send this child to Alaska for the whole summer or over holidays? My body is in a cold sweat now, and my eyes are burning. I can’t do that. I can’t go months without seeing my own child. I rub my forehead.

“Hey, you okay?” Eli whispers.

“Yeah. It’s just getting late.”

“Brooklyn, it’s your turn,” Maggie calls.

I stand up. “You know what? I’m going to have to bow out. Sorry. I’m just so tired.”

“Boo!” Keene calls.

“Party pooper,” Juno says.

“Sorry.” I’m stepping over people to try to get out of the cramped room. “I’ll be more fun tomorrow after some rest.”

I can feel Kip’s eyes on me as I hurry to leave. I need some space. I feel like there’s not enough air in this room right now. When I get to my bedroom, I close the door behind me and fall onto the bed. I’m resisting the urge to sob. I hadn’t really thought about custody agreements until this moment, and I’m so overwhelmed. Why would I have to choose a man who lives in Alaska of all places to accidentally knock me up?

There’s a soft knock on the door. I really don’t want to talk to anyone.

“Brooklyn, can we talk?” It’s Kip.

Oh hell no, I really don’t want to talk to him.

“No, Kip. I’ve told you that there’s nothing you can say that I want to hear.” I sit up quickly and get on my feet.

The door handle turns, and he pushes the door open.

“Kip, you can’t just come in here.” I cross my arms over my chest.

He shuts the door once he’s inside. “I need to tell you something.”

“I don’t care. Leave.” I point to the door.

“No.”

“I’ll scream. Remember what happened last time my brothers thought you were hurting me? Imagine what they would do if I told them you really were.”

He steps closer to me. “I’ll take my chances.”

I take a step back. “Are you here to call me a whore again? Criticize my clothes? Ask me about my sex life?”

“No,” he whisper-yells as he steps toward me again.