Page 115 of Pretend You Love Me

“When was your last period?”

I really don’t want to get into the details of my period or my sex life with my brothers, but I’m trying to remember this myself. I haven’t had a period since I was in Alaska, and I’m long overdue. I had noticed it was late, but my body has been so out of whack that I thought it was just stress. I’m not eating well. I’m not sleeping well. Sometimes my cycle gets off, but now that I think about it, it’s never gottenthisoff. My breasts have been killing me too. I keep thinking my period’s about to start, and I have the world’s worse PMS. Oh god...how could I have been so oblivious?

“You need to take a test.” Declan has his hand on my shoulder now. “You need to know.”

I’m wiping my face again. Will hands me a box of tissues. As I’m blowing my nose and wiping my eyes, Will leaves the room.

“Here,” he says when he returns.

I just blink at him a few times. He’s holding something out toward me.

“Take them.”

I reach out my hand. He gives me three pregnancy tests.

“Liv bought the Costco box when we were trying to get pregnant. These are leftover. Go take them.”

I don’t move. Declan rubs my back and then says, “You need to know.”

When I stand up and walk across the room, I feel like my body is floating, like I’m living in a dream.

I close the bathroom door behind me and stand at the sink for a minute just staring at myself in the mirror. I’ve never taken a pregnancy test before – other than when I took one the day I crashed into Kip’s life. That doesn’t count though. I knew I wasn’t pregnant that time. I’ve never really needed to take a test. I’m always so careful, so responsible. I can’t believe how careless - how reckless I was. I place my hands on the counter and hang my head down between my shoulders.

I hear a soft knock on the door and Declan calls, “Need anything?”

“No. I just need a minute,” I call back. I take a deep breath. Waiting isn’t going to make this any easier. I read the directions and tear off the wrappers. I carefully pee on each one and place the caps back on. After I wash my hands, I set a timer and then walk back out into the living room.

“Anything?” Will asks, his eyes are full concern.

“Not time yet.”

I set the tests down on the coffee table and plop down on the couch next to Declan. He puts his arm around me and pulls me into his body.

“It’s going to be okay. Whatever happens. We’re all here for you.”

I just nod. I can’t speak right now.

The timer goes off.

“Do you want me to look?” Will asks.

I lean forward and pick them up. “No, I’ll do it.”

I hold my breath as I look at the tests.

“Pregnant.”

Neither of them says a word. I’m flipping through each of the tests. “Pregnant. Pregnant.”

I’m not surprised. Now that I’m thinking through the past few weeks, it’s obvious. The nauseous, exhaustion, headaches - it’s all there. I just wasn’t paying attention, or maybe if I’m being honest, I was just in denial.

Will speaks first. His voice is soft. “Is it Kip’s?”

I float my eyes up to his. “Yes.”

He holds my gaze. “You’re sure?”

“Positive.”