Page 25

Chapter Twenty-Five

Hayden

“Can I get you something to drink, Mr. Cassidy?” the flight attendant asks. Her name badge reads Mona.

This is probably the easiest flight she’s been on tonight because I’ve been too numb to do anything except sit here and disassociate from the fact I’m a fucking asshole.

“No, I’m fine. Thanks, Mona.” I force a smile.

She returns to the galley, and I go back to staring out at the dark sky. Rain splatters against the window.

I regret the way I handled everything with Jackson. I allowed the darkness in my mind to take control and cause me to spiral. Because holy shit, did I spiral. I haven’t had a moment like that in a long time, but the things Laura said triggered something inside me. Something that I worked hard on healing, but hearing the things she said about me, even inadvertently, just tore through all the progress I thought I’d made. And I’m ashamed of myself for letting it happen .

I’m going to be so lucky if Jackson gives me another chance.

I fucking love you, and I won’t let whatever your head is telling you, get the better of us. Of what we’ve got.

His words from before I left have played on a loop in my mind since the door closed behind me. He might say that now, but once he’s had time to calm down and think clearly, he might not feel the same. Though, there’s nothing I can do right now. I’m on my way back to California, and Roberta will be waiting for me at 9:00 a.m.

I will work through this. I won’t let this beat me.

I just hope he meant it when he said they would be waiting for me.

The plane jolts when it hits some turbulence, then again a few seconds later. I glance over to Mona. She holds on to the countertop and carefully makes her way toward the cockpit. The door slides open, and I hear the captain say we’re going to hit some rough air and she needs to take her seat.

Spine stiffening, I double-check my seat belt before looking back to Mona.

“Mr. Cassidy, the captain has requested for you to keep your seat belt on. We’re expected to experience some heavy turbulence,” she says, just as the plane shudders.

She stumbles backward, and I quickly reach out to steady her, stopping her from falling back.

“You got it, Mona. Don’t worry about me. Go take your seat.”

She holds on to the counter again for support while she makes her way back to her seat and does up her seat belt.

Minutes later, the entire plane vibrates as we hit it. I’m bouncing in my seat, thankful I’m secured with the seat belt, otherwise I’d most likely be on the floor right now.

My heart drops into my stomach like a brick. I shoot a panicked gaze back to Mona. Her eyes are closed, lips pressed in a thin line. Her hands are clutched tightly in her lap like she’s trying not to show that she’s uncomfortable.

If a flight attendant is nervous, then this can’t be good.

The dark part of my brain tries to take over again. The shadow that resides permanently in my head since I fucked up my life, but I won’t let it win again. Not for a second time today.

I know, logically, nothing bad is going to happen. I’ve experienced turbulence several times over the years, but with how my anxiety is heightened right now, I can’t help but think negatively. And unlike those times when I’d stand in the ocean and wish for the waves to take me away, I don’t want this to be it. No matter what happens, I won’t let go of the tiny glimmer of hope in my chest that this isn’t how our story ends.

I need the opportunity to make things right.

Taking out my phone, I unlock it and tap on Jackson’s name. My heart wrenches on the last text I received from him.

Jackson

Let me know when you get back to California. I love you, Cas.

Then I take a deep breath and hit the button to begin recording a voice message, trying to keep my voice steady as I speak.

“Hey, Jax. I know you’re sleeping right now, and I hope the kids don’t wake you up too early. I wanted to say I’m sorry for how I left things tonight. I hate the fact you saw me that way, and I hate that I allowed that part of my mind to win.” I swallow roughly and turn my head to focus on the rain pattern on the window.

“I’m ashamed of how I reacted. I shouldn’t have let Laura’s words get to me the way they did. She didn’t say anything I didn’t already know, but hearing her say it out loud… It fucking hurt, Jax. And I know we said we were going to put the past behind us, but I’m so fucking sorry for what I did to you. But if I get the chance to make things right… I’ve been thinking… Maybe I could look for a place in Chicago. Somewhere nearby because I don’t expect to move in with you, especially when you’re working hard to establish stability and structure for the kids. I can keep my house in California. Maybe we can stay there in the off-season. We can take the kids to Disneyland and spend our days on the beach. I could teach Ryan to surf. I think he’d really like that.”

I smile at the memory of showing Ryan and Isabela the photos of the beach outside my house. Their excitement had me looking at it through a different lens. They peppered me with questions about the wildlife and whether I’ve seen any sharks.

“But most of all, I’d like to spend every day with you. I want to spend the rest of my life waking up next to you and falling asleep in your arms. I’d like to spend Christmas mornings with you, watching the kids open their gifts with so much excitement they don’t know what to open first. I’d like lazy Sundays with you, making pancakes and stealing kisses whenever the kids aren’t looking. I’d like to grow old with you—well, older , because fuck, Jax, that day we went to the market made me feel about one hundred and three.”

I let out a choked laugh, then bite down on my bottom lip, digging my teeth into the flesh. Just so I can feel something other than the fear lacing through every fiber of my being. I know he can most likely hear the shuddering of the plane that seems to only be getting louder. “I hope I’m not too late, Jax. I hope that you can forgive me for the pain I put you through, both tonight and all those years ago. I hope that you’ll let me make it up to you by loving you every day for the rest of my life. I love you, Jackson Wilde. I love you so fucking much,” I confess, my breath hitching on those last few words.

I release the button to stop recording and blink away the tears in my eyes before closing them tight. Digging my fingers into the soft leather of my chair, I grip onto the armrest and imagine Jackson’s smile and the sweet sound of the kids’ laughter and hope we can get through this storm so I can hear it again outside of my imagination.

We land safely in LAX several hours later. Both Mona and I shared worried glances throughout the flight, and I tried to distract her by asking her questions about what she did outside of work and where her favorite places to travel were. It seemed to help both of us, and soon enough, we were out of the worst of it. She told me all about her nephew and how he plays hockey. He’s around Ryan’s age, only he lives in Oregon. We joke that maybe they’ll face off against each other in the future .

As much as I enjoyed talking to her, I’m glad the flight is over. I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. My hips and knees ache to the point I’m unable to walk smoothly to the front of the plane.

The captain smiles as I shake his hand. “I apologize for the bumpy ride.”

“You must have nerves of steel because I sure didn’t back here,” I chuckle. “But thank you for getting us all here safely.”

“It’s my pleasure. Hopefully, it didn’t stop you from flying with us again.”

“Of course not,” I say truthfully, then turn to Mona and offer my hand. “Thank you for your company tonight. And make sure to email me, and I’ll get you some signed merch for your nephew.”

She gives me a soft smile. “Thank you, Mr. Cassidy.”

“It’s Hayden.” I wink, giving her hand a small squeeze. “Take care,” I say to them, then duck my head through the door.

I tense instantly, unprepared for the cold wind. I take the first few steps and wince. My joints feel like they’re grinding together, and then it hits me. With everything that’s happened tonight, I forgot to take my medication. I’m going to be paying the price tomorrow.

I go to grab the handrail, forgetting my phone is in my hand. It slips free, and I watch, wide-eyed, as it bounces off the tarmac.

“Fuck,” I mutter and continue to make my way slowly down the steps. When I pick it up, the screen is completely smashed. I guess I’ll be making a stop by the mall after I meet with Roberta in the morning because I don’t want Jackson to be worrying about me.

The following morning, 9:00 a.m. on the dot, I’m sitting on Roberta’s aqua-blue couch, locked in a daze watching the jellyfish bob around the tank. The light is currently purple, and it’s almost like the tension from the last twenty-four hours is seeping out of me, limb by limb as they float around in such a gentle ease.

Roberta sits in her chair, feet tucked beneath her, notebook in hand. There’s a coffee on the table in front of me, and she sips on a matcha.

Minutes go by while we sit in silence. She knows I need this time watching the jellyfish to come back down. I wish I could own some of my own. Maybe that would help keep the bad days to a minimum. I looked it up once but then convinced myself that I would only kill them because I travel for work, and I’d be useless, but I don’t think that now.

“Are they easy to keep?” I ask, pointing to the tank.

“Yeah, they’re relatively easy. They require regular water changes. I usually change weekly, but not a full change. And as they require a certain temperature environment, you need to check often that everything is as it should be, but other than that, they’re pretty maintenance-free.”

I hum my approval. Okay. That’s not so bad. Maybe I can get some when I find somewhere in Chicago.

“Thank you for reaching out to me yesterday, Hayden. I can imagine that was a difficult thing to do. ”

I sit forward to pick up my coffee and take a sip before replying. “Yeah, it was. I handled it all wrong, though.”

“In what way?” she asks.

“Well, I shouldn’t have let Laura’s words get to me, first of all. She didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, but it still hurt to hear it. Then I just surrendered to the voices in my mind emphasizing everything she said.”

“Can you tell me what she said to you?”

I suck in a deep breath and relay everything Laura said, including what went through my mind.

“I can understand that would be very upsetting to hear. Sometimes hearing the impact of our actions from someone else can feel a lot more significant.” She takes a sip of her drink and makes a note in her book. “Did you speak with Jackson before you left?”

“Yeah, I did. He…” The vision of him with hurt in his eyes and tears falling down his cheeks is something I never want to see again. “He was really upset, but he said he understood why I needed to come back to see you.”

“You told him your return to California was purely to see me?”

“Yeah.”

A small smile appears on her face. “That’s great, Hayden. You allowed him in. You communicated your needs and allowed him to support you.”

Oh, I never thought of it like that. I thought I was running away. Taking the coward’s way out.

“He said he’ll support me in whatever I need to do, but he’s not going to let me give up on them.”

“Them?”

“Him and the kids. ”

She gives me another smile, and this time, I can’t help but smile too.

“And are you? Going to give up on them?”

I shake my head vehemently. “No. Never.”

“Good, I’m glad to hear it. It’s important to remember that you’re not a burden for asking for help or expressing what you need. I’m not going to say you’re not going to have bad days, but you’ve widened your support system now. And when you have those bad days, they may become easier to manage.”

“They did become easier while I was there. It didn’t feel so… heavy, sometimes.” I interlock my fingers together in my lap and massage my thumb into my palm. “It was like the storm cloud was there, but being around them kept me dry.”

“That’s good. I’m glad they could provide that for you.”

I take another sip of my coffee and glance over to the jellyfish. The lights turned pink, and it makes me wonder what Isabela would think of them. Would she find them as calming as I do? Maybe we could go to the aquarium when I’m back in Chicago.

Only when I’m living in Chicago, I won’t be near Roberta, which brings me to my next topic of conversation.

“I… I was wondering if we could revisit the option to have our sessions via video call.”

Her eyebrows lift slightly in surprise. I think this might be the first time I’ve ever surprised her.

“Of course. Can you tell me what has made you change your mind about doing video call sessions?”

“On my flight back last night, we had some pretty bad turbulence. The worst I’ve ever experienced, and I don’t know if it was because I was already so emotionally charged, but I felt scared. My mind was already in overreaction mode, and I ended up sending Jackson a voice message.” I swallow thickly, wondering what he must be thinking after hearing that voice message and not being able to get hold of me because of my broken phone. “I said if I get another chance to make things right, I’d like to move to Chicago so I could be near him and the kids. And that would mean…”

“You wouldn’t be close by to have in-person sessions,” she says with a smile. “You know that’s always been an option, Hayden. I’m happy to adjust to suit you. You being comfortable and safe is the most important factor for me, and if that means we meet via video, I’m perfectly happy with that.”

A relieved breath whooshes out of me. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.” She sips her matcha, then places it on her knee. “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss today?”

There is, but I’m not quite sure how to bring it up. It’s not something I’ve had to mention before because when I was trialing the different medications, having sex was at the back of my mind. But now, I have Jackson. He has reassured me no end of times that being able to get an erection isn’t a deal breaker for him, but I don’t want this to be my life. Our life.

Don’t I deserve to remember how it feels to be overtaken with euphoria when you’re having sex with the love of your life?

I smile at myself. I do deserve it.

And isn’t that a fucking milestone moment?

“I…” I take a deep breath and remind myself, I deserve this. “I have an embarrassing question, but it’s something that I’m hoping you might be able to help put a recommendation forward to my psychiatrist.”

“Okay. You know there are no embarrassing questions, Hayden. This is a safe space for you,” Roberta says softly.

Even though her words bring me a sense of ease, I still shift my gaze to the jellyfish. The lights are green, and they’re back to looking like mini aliens.

“I’ve noticed since I’ve been on this medication, I… uh… struggle to get an erection sometimes. I ended up doing what you told me not to do and looked it up online. And apparently, it’s common for a lot of people, which made me feel a little better because it wasn’t just me, but I also saw there’s some other medications out there which don’t have those same side effects…” I trail off, hoping she will get my ask without me saying the words.

“Yes, it’s common to experience side effects such as a reduced sex drive, erectile dysfunction, and/or ejaculatory dysfunction. There are other medications out there, which I can discuss with your psychiatrist, but one thing I’d like to ask first is, how would you feel if we suggested you weaned off the medication?”

My head snaps back to her, my eyes widening in surprise. “No. I’m not ready for that. The thought of not having them makes me really nervous.”

She bobs her head a few times, making more notes. “Okay, thank you for being honest. But yes, I can give him a call and let him know what we’ve discussed and go from there.”

“Thank you.” I wipe my hands down the front of my pants. “Jackson said it wasn’t a problem, but it is for me, you know? It might sound ridiculous, but I feel like I’m not pulling my weight in the relationship. He’s okay with it for now, but it’s only been a month. Forever is a long time.”

Her eyes crinkle at the sides as she smiles widely.

“What?” I ask her cautiously.

“Hearing you talk about forever… Yeah, there’s still a negative tone to it, don’t think I missed it, but when you walked through those doors six years ago, you wouldn’t have looked forward even a day, let alone the rest of your life. I’m pleased to see you have this belief in yourself because you deserve forever.”

The back of my eyes burn at the kindness pouring out of every word. She’s right. The person I was six years ago wouldn’t have even considered being in the position I’m in right now. I would have laughed at the suggestion of being back in Jackson’s life. But I’m here. He loves me, and he wants to be with me. Bad days, bad knees, and all.

“Thank you, for everything,” I say to her on a shaky breath. “I wouldn’t be here without you, and I’ll forever be grateful for your faith in me.”

“You’re welcome, Hayden, but you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

We finish up our session, and this time, I give her a hug goodbye. It might be unprofessional, but after the last twenty-four hours, I feel like it was necessary.

And as I get in my car and head to the mall to replace my phone, there’s only one thing on my mind.

Jackson Wilde.