Page 15

Chapter Fifteen

Jackson

The door closes quietly behind me, and I twist the lock. The soft sounds of the TV filter down the hall from the living room, and my heart soars at the reminder Hayden’s actually here.

I still can’t believe he came. Just rocked up with one thought in mind: helping me out.

If there was a sign to tell me I needed to stop fighting this—whatever this is—between us, then him turning up on my doorstep during my time of need was it.

The game was rough tonight. I don’t know if it’s because my head wasn’t fully in it or if St. Louis brought their A game, but it’s safe to say I was preoccupied. I couldn’t think about anything except whether the kids were doing okay and if they were feeling any better or if they were worse. And whether Hayden was coping because despite him saying he was fine, I know he wasn’t. He was in pain, and he was stamping it down to save face.

For me .

Shrugging out of my coat, I hang it in the coat closet and toe off my shoes. I try and keep my steps light against the wooden floor as I head down the hall to the living room. The TV is showing some infomercial selling some kind of food mixer, but it’s the sight on the couch that has me stopping in my tracks. Hayden’s asleep on his back with Isabela curled into his side. Her head rests on his shoulder, and her elephant is tucked close under her chin. There’s a blanket over the two of them, and Ryan is fast asleep at the other end, his head tilting back against the cushions with his legs stretched out next to Hayden’s.

Something swells in my chest at the sight of them. My kids are my everything. They are my entire world. And once upon a time, so was Hayden. Seeing him with them and how they must have been so comfortable with him to fall asleep… This means more to me than I can explain.

With an uncontainable smile on my face, I take my phone out of my pocket. I need to take a photo of this to give me something to look back on when this becomes a memory.

Picking up the remote, I switch the TV off, then move to scoop Ryan up into my arms. The movement must jostle Hayden because he wakes up with a stir.

“Jax?” he croaks, sleepy gray eyes blinking up at me. “What time is it?”

“Hey,” I whisper. “It’s just after eleven thirty. I’m gonna take Ryan upstairs, then I’ll come back for Isabela.”

At the mention of her name, he glances down at where my daughter is snuggled up against him, and a gentle smile spreads across his lips.

Guess she warmed up to him quicker than either of us expected.

“They fell asleep earlier, and I didn’t have the heart to move them. I was trying to stay awake until you came home. I didn’t mean to doze off.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be back down in a minute.” I smile reassuringly.

I carry Ryan up the stairs, tucking him into his bed and turning on his night-light. When I get back down to the living room, Hayden has shifted slightly, allowing me to pick Isabela up more easily. Her head flops against my shoulder when I scoop her up, but she doesn’t wake as I take her to bed and turn on her night-light. I carefully check their temperatures, and I’m pleased to see they are almost back to normal. Hopefully, this means they have nearly kicked whatever bug they had.

When I’m finally back downstairs, I find Hayden in the kitchen. His tired features are lit up by the refrigerator light. He’s pushed his glasses up his face slightly to rub his eye with his fingers as he peers inside.

“Would you like anything to eat?” he asks, turning his head to me.

I step in close to him and breathe in his spicy cologne.

“I can make you?—”

I don’t let him finish. I cup his face with my hands and press my lips to his. His body goes stock-still for a brief moment, and then he relaxes into me. His hands land on my hips, rooting me in place, while my fingers sink into his hair.

I part his lips with my tongue, but compared to the kiss we shared in the bathroom at the party, it’s tender when my tongue sweeps into his mouth. This isn’t frantic or desperate. I’m hungry for him, but in a way that I’m trying to tell him without words how much him being here means to me. Not just here in my house, taking care of my kids, but here . Literally. Living and breathing in my arms.

I swallow the small noise he makes, and then a jolt of pleasure rushes straight to my cock when he sucks on my tongue.

Fuck, I’ve missed this. I’ve missed him . I’ll never regret my relationship with Laura. We had some great years together, and she’s the mother of my kids, but what we had pales compared to the connection I have with Hayden. The strength of the pull between us is magnetic. He lights me up like nobody else. He knows my body better than I know myself.

I take another step forward, causing him to stumble backward into the refrigerator as I deepen the kiss. He drops his hands to my ass and gives my cheeks a squeeze. My fingers tighten in his hair, and I press my hips into his. There’s no doubt he can feel how hard I am. I’m pretty much dry humping him, both of us groaning into each other’s mouths. I fucking love the taste of him. I want to feast on him all night. Spend hours becoming reacquainted with every inch of his mouth with my tongue and the feel of his body against mine.

It’s only when something falls out of the refrigerator and hits the floor with a thud that we pull apart. His gray eyes are hazy with pleasure, cheeks pink with exertion. My heart is thumping wildly in my chest, threatening to break out from behind my breastbone.

“Wow.” He lets out a ragged breath. His voice comes out in a whisper when he asks, “What was that for?”

I loosen my hold, but I don’t drop my hands from his head.

“I don’t want to fight this anymore, Cas,” I say, sweeping my thumb over his cheek. His day-old stubble scrapes against my skin, and it sends a shiver trickling down my spine that goes straight to my balls. “You’ve shown me how genuine you are about us. Like, fuck , Cas. You dropped everything and flew across the country to come take care of my kids without me even asking…” I shake my head. The back of my eyes sting with the magnitude of how much his actions mean to me. “Thank you.”

His face softens. “I’ll do anything for you, Jackson. I know I don’t deserve it, but I?—”

I quickly cut him off. “No, we’re not doing that. If we’re doing this, then this is a fresh start. What you did today means more to me than you’ll ever know.”

He chews on the inside of his lower lip and presses them together to try to disguise his smile, but the sparkle in his eyes gives him away. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” I nod. “I know we need to talk about it at some point, but I don’t want what we used to have. What we used to have was toxic and unhealthy. So this time, it’s a clean slate. We’ll talk about it, then that’s it. It’s in the past, and it has to stay there.”

“I like the sound of that.”

“And I need you to talk to me. I know you lied to me earlier, telling me you were fine when you weren’t. I want to help you, Hayden. I want to be there to support you in every way, but it means you need to be honest with me. Please don’t hide your pain from me. ”

He scrunches up his face in a grimace. “I’m sorry. It’s like a reflex.”

“Don’t be sorry, just be honest with me.” I drop my hands to his waist and massage my thumbs into the soft flesh above his hips. “Can I help you with anything now?” I lower my head, and my breath ghosts over his lips as I say quietly, “I have an amazing waterfall shower. Will heat help?”

He smirks. “Is that an invitation, Jax?”

“It can be.” I wink and press my lips to his in a fleeting kiss. “Stay the night. I’ve got a spare room. I’ll cook you breakfast in the morning as a thank-you.”

“Are you sure?” His brows pinch. “Will the kids mind?”

“Positive, and based on how comfortable they seem with you, they will want to see you too.” I take a step back and head into the hallway to pick up his duffel bag from the floor where he left it.

I wait at the bottom of the stairs for him to follow. I can see the hesitancy in his eyes, but they’re also full of want. I curve my hand around his waist and pull him closer. “So, how about it? Can I care for you?”

He answers by kissing me again and whispering, “Lead the way.”

It’s not long until we’re both naked in my en suite bathroom and stepping under the warm spray. My hands find his waist, thumbs tracing circles over his hip bones. I’m silent as I take the time to really look at him. Under the harsh bathroom lighting, his face is thinner than it was before. The hollows of his cheeks highlight his high cheekbones and square jaw. I’m assuming he’s lost thirty or forty pounds at least since he retired. There are fine lines around his eyes that don’t just speak of his age but hint that there’s a hidden story behind his slate-gray eyes. The silver strands around his temple blend into his dark blond hair, only catching in certain lights.

His hands land on my chest, smoothing over the hard muscle of my pectorals. His fingertips glide through the fine chest hair.

“You’re covered,” I whisper, referring to the tattoos that cover almost his entire body. “Will you tell me about them?”

He swallows hard, his eyes darting to a spot over my shoulder before focusing back on me. “I started to get them as a way to silence my brain when it got too much. A way to escape, I guess.”

I trace my fingers over one of the pieces on his ribs. The water from the shower causes the vibrant colors to pop. “You really like jellyfish, huh?”

He huffs out a small laugh. “Yeah.”

“What’s the story behind it?”

“About the jellyfish?”

“Yeah. What started this fascination with these weird sea jellies?”

He diverts his eyes again, and his expression morphs into something akin to shame. It takes everything in me not to grip his chin and return his gaze to me. It’s going to fucking hurt to hear about his struggles, but I need to remember not to push him or force him to tell me before he’s ready. He needs to tell me in his own time, and I need to show him that I’m a safe space and I’m here to support him in whatever way he needs.

“My therapist, Roberta, has some moon jellyfish in her office, and the first time I was there, I must have spent a good twenty minutes just staring at them. I was jealous that they had it so easy. Just spent their lives swimming around this tank without a care in the world. Then I learned they have no brain, and I was even more envious because they wouldn’t experience having their brain turn against them like I did.”

I swallow down the lump in my throat and blink away the tears that form in my eyes. There’s a deep-rooted ache in my chest, so visceral that I have to rub over it with my hand to remind myself that the giant chasm I’m feeling isn’t real.

“They became a reminder to me that I am stronger than what my mind tells me. They say one of the hardest parts of having depression is asking for help, and for me, as long as I continue to see those jellyfish, I know I’ve already overcome one of the toughest hurdles, and I can keep doing it.”

It’s not until Hayden raises his hand and wipes over my cheek that I realize I’m crying. His smile is gentle as he takes my face in both hands and my lips in another kiss.

We stand there under the warm spray for minutes, just like that, exchanging tender, slow kisses. I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him close to me, needing to feel his heart beating against mine.

It breaks my heart knowing that there was a possibility I could’ve lost him. Sure, he wasn’t mine then and hasn’t been mine for a long time, but knowing there was a chance he could have been successful. That I wouldn’t have gotten the chance to hold him again, to smell him, to kiss him…

I choke out a sob into his mouth and rest my forehead against his, tightening my arms around him.

“I know I’ve said this before, but I’m so fucking glad you’re here, Cas. I…” My voice cracks, and Hayden presses his mouth to mine again.

“I’m here, and I’ll be here until you tell me otherwise,” he whispers against my lips.

A few minutes pass by as we kiss, our hands roaming each other’s warm skin and tongues exploring each other’s mouths. I have to force myself to take a step back and pour some shower gel into my hands. I showered at the arena, so I can focus all my attention on this incredible man in front of me. I told him I wanted to take care of him, and that starts now.

I press light kisses to his skin as I move down his body, taking in his tattoos up close. Each one is incredibly beautiful. Not just for the artist’s sheer talent of creating these impressive images but for how each one tells a story. He endured the pain of getting these pieces of ink in order to shut down the pain in his mind. Each one represents how Hayden chose life.

There’s also evidence of my daughter on him, where she’s colored in one of his arms.

By the time I drop to my knees in front of him, my throat is thick with emotion, and my chest aches so much it hurts to breathe. Water clings to his eyelashes as he watches me rub my hands over his thighs to his knees. The scars from his surgeries are healed, but it causes another wave of… something to rush through me. Guilt? Fear? Pity? I don’t know, but all I know is I will do anything I can to ensure he doesn’t suffer. If it means carrying him up and down my goddamn stairs, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything.

I stand up, and Hayden immediately takes me into his arms. Our mouths collide with urgency and hungry sweeps of our tongues. My cock hardens, becoming a steel pipe between us. But I ignore it. Because tonight, it isn’t about sex. It’s all about reuniting with the man I once loved more than life.

He drops his head to my neck, trailing kisses under my jaw and dragging his teeth over my Adam’s apple.

“I hear you’ve got some of my hockey cards,” he murmurs.

I laugh softly, hands skimming his ribs.

“Who told you that?”

“Your son.”

I snort. Of course Ryan told him. “The little shit. I told him to keep that a secret.”

He lifts his head to look at me with one eyebrow raised. “You wanna know a secret?”

“Yeah,” I croak.

“I have yours too. I keep them in my office.”

“You do?”

He kisses one corner of my mouth, then the other. “Yeah. It’s always been you, Jax.”

And I know, right there and then, while we exchange tired kisses and gentle strokes of hands over skin, that it’s always been Hayden for me too.