Page 11

Chapter Eleven

Jackson

We lost our home game last night 3-2, meaning the mood on the plane to Dallas early this morning was shit. We were all tired and achy, and the last thing any of us wanted to do was to get up at the ass crack of dawn to catch a flight to play a second game in twenty-four hours. But here we are, in the underbelly of the arena in Dallas, getting ready for game one of five on our eight-day road trip.

Something that my kids were not happy about and made sure to let me know yesterday morning, when my mom came to pick them up for school, by making things as difficult as possible. It doesn’t get any easier. The guilt clawed up my throat, festering all day. I don’t blame them for my piss-poor performance on the ice last night, but I can’t deny my head was not in the game.

“Is everything okay?” Zach asks from my left, where he’s getting his shoulder taped. “You’ve been uncharacteristically quiet the last few days. ”

I turn my head to face him, making sure I don’t disturb Greg, who’s currently working on my hamstring.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just have a lot on my mind,” I say quietly.

And isn’t that the understatement of the year.

I haven’t been able to get Hayden’s words out of my head since Peyton’s party. He tried to end his life . Every time it replays in my head, I get this sharp pain in my chest that takes over my entire body. I knew there was something he was hiding; I just never expected it to be that. It’s shifted something inside of me, and I know there’s a lot I need to consider. I can’t be reckless and jump straight into something with him again. I need to make sensible choices. Not just for the safety of my own heart and for my kids but for Hayden too.

And like I told him, it’s not as simple as saying yes or no. My heart sings for him like it has for no other, but it’s bigger than the two of us now.

I’ve had so many questions running through my mind. Like what if I introduced him to my kids, and they fell in love with him, and he tried again? What if he was successful in his attempt that time? The kids haven’t experienced loss in that sense, but they’ve gone through loss in the form of Laura’s and my divorce, and look how well I screwed that up. Plus, I don’t think I could cope with the loss of Hayden again, in any shape or form.

The fact he mentioned he’s been—and still is—in therapy all this time tells me he’s determined not to let this beat him. And from the sleepless nights I’ve lost reading articles upon articles, I know there isn’t a cure for depression, but there is treatment, and the vast majority of those people who receive the appropriate help do go on to live full, healthy lives.

So, I need to focus on that and be there for him in any way he needs me.

Then there’s the meeting I had with Isabela’s school the other day regarding her behavior. I wasn’t quite sure how to take it when they said they believe she might be on the autism spectrum. At first, I was shocked, and then I became kinda angry because I assumed they were trying to tell me she was a “problem child” and that there was something wrong with her. But once that initial shock wore off, I listened to their reasons, and it began to make a lot of sense. Her communication struggles, the way she always wants the same food, her need for control, her anxiety around new people or any form of change. Her separation anxiety with me.

I left the school with a handful of leaflets and feeling equal parts hopeful, guilty, and worried. Hopeful because I was in a privileged position where I had the money to put toward anything she needed. Guilt because I blamed myself. Was it something I gave her? Could I have picked up the signs earlier if I had been home more? Then also worried because I don’t want her to experience any kind of negativity from judgmental assholes.

I’m not able to take her to see the pediatrician until I get home from this road trip. My mom offered to take her, but I’m already absent for other important appointments, and I won’t fail Isabela on this. I want to make sure the appropriate support is in place to help her receive the best education possible while accommodating her and tailored to her learning styles, then I can ensure she has everything she needs at home.

She’s still my incredible daughter, but now, I’ll be able to educate myself to understand her better and give her whatever she needs in order to thrive.

“Wanna talk about it?” Zach asks. “I’ve been told I’m a good listener.”

I smile over at my teammate.

Zach is one of the quietest guys I’ve ever met, and often, he gets shit on the ice because of his size. He’s at least six foot six and weighs over two hundred and fifty pounds. Guys usually want to fight him because of it, but Zach doesn’t fight. Isabela refers to him as a gentle giant because he is exactly that.

“There’s been a lot going on recently. Like I had a meeting with Isabela’s school because there’s been a few… behavioral issues. They told me I should speak with her pediatrician about getting an autism diagnosis.”

Zach’s brows lift in surprise. “Ah, dude. Is there anything we can do to help out?”

“I can’t help but blame myself, you know? I mean… Fuck. I’m away for eight days now. I’m their main guardian, and I’m not gonna be home for over a week. How can I give her the support she needs when I’m never fucking home?”

Greg gives my calf a reassuring squeeze, reminding me he’s still working on my tight muscle. “Hey, it’s not your fault. My son Ewan is autistic, and while it is really tough sometimes, once we found the right support for him and adjusted things to meet his needs, both at school and home, it became a little bit easier. ”

I glance over my shoulder at the Thunder’s trainer and give him a grateful smile. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He nods. “I’m happy to talk anytime, and I’ll hook you up with a few of the specialists who work with Ewan, but I promise you, it’s not because of anything you’ve done.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.”

He gives my leg another squeeze. “Now, relax for me. This hamstring is going to give you shit all night if you keep tensing up.”

I laugh and settle back on my front, resting my cheek on the back of my hands.

“We’re here too,” Zach chimes in. “I mean, I might not know what to do, but we’re here for anything you need, even if it’s someone to talk to or moral support at an appointment. You say the word, we’ll be there with you.”

Warmth travels across my chest at his genuine words. I’m so lucky to have these guys.

“Thank you. That means a lot.”

But now, it’s time to push all other thoughts to the back of my mind. Once Greg’s worked out the tightness in my hamstring, I go through my usual pregame cardio and get dressed, ready for the game.

Dallas is all over us. I find myself battling in the corners, and whenever we make it into the offensive zone, their defense is rock solid.

Then again, so is ours. Elliot’s stopped all Dallas’ seventeen shots on goal, and Zach and Kendrick have been guarding that blue line like a brick wall during their shifts.

It’s still a scoreless game when we go into the third period. Blaine lines up for a face-off in the offensive zone, and I take my position on the edge of the circle. Blaine wins the puck drop, passing the puck to Peyton, who passes to Zach. He hovers around the blue line, waiting for an opening, then passes to Kendrick, creating a diversion for Blaine and Peyton to position themselves better. I get myself into position, ready to take a shot on goal. Zach passes to Peyton, and when he dekes their winger, he flicks the puck to me, and I snap a wrister toward the net. It hits the crossbar with a loud thunk , and the goalie covers it with his glove the second it drops onto the ice.

“Fuck!” I grunt under my breath.

The official blows his whistle to signal the TV time-out, and I skate back to the bench in frustration as the ice crew comes out. Tension is coiling at the base of my neck, and I’m not the only one who’s beginning to feel it. I jump over the boards and take a seat on the bench. Grabbing my water bottle, I squirt some into my mouth and watch as Elliot skates over. He removes his helmet, resting it on the edge of the boards in front of me, then pours water all over his face and hair.

“Did you see me out there?” he asks once he’s finished shaking his hair like a wet dog.

“I sure did. You were on fire.”

“I know! Fuck me sideways. I was like, bam, pow, kapow !” He mimics blocking shots with his glove and blocker. “I don’t even know how I haven’t let one in. I’m super impressed with myself. Five gold stars to me. ”

“Didn’t you tell them to get off your lawn at one point?” Kendrick chuckles, squirting water into his mouth.

Elliot laughs. “Yeah. I mean, get outta my crease would’ve made more sense, but hey, same thing. The crease is my lawn, and they are not welcome on my lawn.”

“You’re doing a great job, Olsen.” Peyton slaps Elliot on the shoulder pad. “Keep up the good work, dude.”

“Will do, Cappy.”

“Yeah, don’t call me that.”

“Why not? It has a cool ring to it. Captain Peyton. Cappy Peyton. Peyton Capybara.”

Peyton slices his hand through the air. “Automatic veto. Denied. Rejected. Not a chance.”

I snort a laugh, gaze bouncing between them. “Peyton Capybara. Wait until I tell the kids that.”

Peyton whirls around, pinning me with a glare. “Don’t you dare. I want to be the cool uncle.”

“Too late!” Elliot calls out while skating backward toward the net. He’s wearing a shit-eating grin and shimmying his shoulders to the music blaring over the speakers. “Peyton Capybara!”

I can’t help but laugh. Their stupid banter alleviates some of my frustration.

But the feeling is short-lived. By the time there’s five minutes left in the third period, I’m agitated again. I wonder if I’m like one of those cartoons with steam blowing out of my ears.

Please no overtime , I inwardly beg. I want to go back to the hotel, eat a load of food, and crawl into bed. Maybe speak to Hayden. I wonder if he’d be up for a phone call tonight. We’ve gotten into the habit of speaking at night, even if it’s mundane shit like talking about our day. Just hearing his voice is becoming a favorite part of my day.

“Hey! Hey!” one of my teammates shouts as they skate past, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I shake my head. Okay, it’s time to refocus.

I take to the ice again, and it’s a fast-paced battle. The clock’s ticking down, and the pressure is on. Blaine passes to me, and I quickly pivot on my skates, clearing the neutral zone. Dallas’ defensemen are hot on me, but I skate up the right side and take another wrist shot. The puck sails into the top left corner, scoring the first goal of the game.

“Thank fuck, Jackie!” Peyton hollers, crowding me against the boards. “I was gettin’ worried there, eh. Thought it was gonna be an overtimer.”

I laugh around helmet pats and shoulder slaps, and I skate by the bench to accept the congratulatory fist bumps.

Lucky for us, Dallas fails to equalize the score, and the buzzer sounds 1-0 to the Thunder.

We trudge back to the visitors’ locker room in high spirits. Zach hooks up the Bluetooth speaker. Elliot’s the first to pick a song, seeing as he got a shutout, and seconds later, there are several guys dancing with their jerseys off in the middle of the room.

Coach Harris walks in, amusement flicking over his hard face. He claps his hands together to get our attention, and Zach turns the volume down.

“That was beautiful, you guys. When you play like that, beautiful things happen. The discipline you’ve shown so far this season is outstanding, so keep it up. Great fucking effort tonight. Let’s get some rest and be ready to kick Colorado’s ass in two days. ”

“Yes, Coach!” we shout in unison.

I strip out of my gear and hit the showers. My stomach is grumbling by the time we’re on the bus heading to our hotel. We’ll fly to Denver tomorrow morning, where we’ll stay the night ahead of our game the following day.

“Bet you’re looking forward to seeing Carter tomorrow,” I say to my seatmate.

Zach turns to me and smiles. “Yeah, I am. I’m counting down the months until the football season ends.”

Carter plays in the NFL for Denver. They’ve been doing long distance since they got together at the start of the year. I know Hayden is working hard on getting him a deal with Chicago because he’s said if he can’t play in Chicago, then he’ll retire because Zach’s more important than his career. And I admire that. Sometimes when you love someone so much and there’s distance between you, nothing else matters except being with the person you love.

Something I know all too well.

At the hotel, we’re shuffled into a conference room, where we load up on pasta and protein, and then some guys head to the bar. Not me, though. My phone has been burning a hole in my pocket since I saw Hayden’s name flash on my screen during dinner.

I step into the empty elevator with my duffle bag in hand and press the button for the fourteenth floor. Just as the doors are about to close, Elliot jumps in and slumps against the wall with a tired sigh.

I frown. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just so fucking tired,” he says around a yawn. “Kinda hoping Lindy will be starting in Denver, but also, I don’t because I like playing in Denver. ”

“You like playing everywhere,” I laugh.

“True.” He grins, and then it slowly slips from his face. “I know I need the rest, but being on the ice keeps my brain calm, and it feels very—” He shakes his hand around his head. “—chaotic, at the moment.”

The elevator pings on my floor, and he follows me out. I have no idea if he’s on the same floor as me, but I’m not going to kick him out if he needs someone to talk to.

“Are you still feeling low about what we spoke about in Boston?” I ask.

“Yeah.” He stops in front of a door that isn’t mine and lowers his voice. “Do you think I should talk to Blaine?”

I think it over for a minute before I reply. Since Hayden’s and my relationship went up in flames over shit communication, I’ve always vowed that communication is a nonnegotiable. I had the same conversation with Zach when he and Carter were having problems at the beginning of their relationship. And obviously, Elliot’s relationship with his twin brother isn’t the same as mine and Hayden’s or Zach and Carter’s, but it still requires a level of communication surrounding emotions. And clearly, this change in their relationship since Blaine’s marriage is impacting Elliot on a much deeper level than he realizes.

“Yeah, I do. He can’t make something right if he doesn’t know about it. He’s still very much in the honeymoon phase. Not that I think he and Alex will ever be out of the honeymoon phase because that’s just who they are, but you know what I mean. Having a husband is new to him. He’s navigating a new path in his life, and maybe he’s oblivious to how this is affecting you. ”

Elliot nods, a tired smile tipping his lips up. “Thanks, Jackson. You’re a really great friend.”

“Anytime.” I slap his shoulder, then point to the door he’s standing in front of. “This you?”

“Yeah. I think I’m gonna play one of my games to unwind, then try to get some sleep.”

“Sounds good. You know where I am if you need me.”

We say good night, and I head into my room. I pull my phone out of my pocket before the door’s even closed behind me. My face splits into a wide grin when I read Hayden’s text.

Hayden

You are fucking incredible, Jax.

You watched the game?

Hayden

Of course I did. Game-winning goal, baby! You never cease to amaze me.

I feel my face heat at his compliment. Dropping my duffel on the luggage rack and shrugging out of my jacket, it takes me twice as long to get undressed and get into bed because I don’t want to cut off this conversation with Hayden.

Big compliment coming from the iconic power forward.

Hayden

I was only good because of you.

You always made me want to be better .

I grin at my phone like a damn fool.

My instincts are telling me to respond with something flirty, but I haven’t decided what to do yet, and I don’t want to give him false hope. But if it happens naturally, there’s no harm in that, right?

I always wanted to impress you.

Hayden

Yeah?

Yeah. I remember the first time I met you, and I thought, fuck, this guy is so hot.

Hayden

Do you still think I’m hot?

Fishing for compliments?

Hayden

Always fishing emoji

Yeah, I do. The gray hair suits you.

Hayden

shocked emoji I’m not going gray, fuck you very much.

Aging like a fine wine.

Hayden

*Looks up the best anti-aging skincare*

I’m kidding, but also not. You’re still hot, Cas.

Hayden

Seems we had the same thought because I thought you were the hottest guy I’d ever seen.

Were? Ouch.

Hayden

Fishing for compliments, are we Jax?

Okay, okay. You got me.

Hayden

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

And yeah, the thought still stands.

You’re still the hottest guy I’ve ever seen.

But you won’t be if you don’t get some sleep. You’ve got an early flight tomorrow, and you know that altitude change is gonna kick your pretty peachy ass.

Oh, coming for my ass now too?

Hayden

zipped lips emoji I’m not falling for that bait.

I snort out a laugh into the pillow. Shit, my cheeks ache from grinning so hard. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed this until now.

Night, Cas.

Hayden

Night, Jax.