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Chapter Eighteen

Hayden

This is so fucking embarrassing. I know it needs to be said, but fuck, I’m going to kill the mood big-time. Because how can I say, “Oh, hey, so I struggle to get hard sometimes, please don’t take it personally,” without killing his boner?

Jackson smooths his hands along my shoulders, then rubs his thumbs into the muscle between my neck and shoulders.

“Talk to me,” he says gently.

“This is really fucking embarrassing.” I scrub my face with both hands. “My medication means sometimes I can’t get hard or stay hard, or when I do, I struggle to come.”

I drop my gaze, focusing on his designer belt buckle. The imprint of his semi-hard dick is still visible through his dress pants, and I make a mental note that I did that. My broken, fucked-up self made this incredible man hard.

“Hey.” He tilts my chin up until I’m looking into his blue eyes. “This doesn’t change anything, okay? I still want you. I’m not going to be jumping ship because I can’t jump on your dick like I used to.”

I snort at his choice of words, and then we both burst into laughter.

“I mean it,” he says between laughter, then sobers. “If anything, I want to know how I can make this good for you. I’ve already been looking up how to make things comfortable for you with your arthritis, but now I want to know how I can make this good for you regardless of whether you get hard or shoot your load. I want to show you there’s no pressure from me. I just want you to be comfortable and satisfied.”

The back of my eyes burns at his earnest expression.

This has been something that’s been plaguing me for a long time. Four and a half years, in fact. Zara and I stopped having sex long before we filed for divorce, and the times I tried to bring someone home from a hookup app, they left disappointed because I couldn’t get hard. After that, I stopped trying.

But I’m not going to tell him that.

I’ve gotten by with my hand, some lube, and a whole heap of frustration. I don’t want him thinking that he might be able to cure me or some shit.

“Thank you,” I whisper, then decide to lay my vulnerability on the table. “I don’t want to disappoint you.”

He takes my face in both hands and presses his lips to mine in a kiss that’s brimming with emotion. His tongue slides perfectly against mine. Our chests slot together just right. I can feel the gentle beat of his heart, almost in rhythm with mine.

“You won’t disappoint me, Cas,” he promises against my swollen lips. “I mean it.”

And that’s all the validation I need to push my embarrassment down and take the lead. With my hands on his chest, I push him down onto the bed. He sits willingly, then spreads his legs for me to step between them. His hands glide up the back of my thighs to my ass and give both cheeks a squeeze.

I start by removing his shirt, uncovering his strong, rounded shoulders and muscular torso. Carefully placing his shirt on the chair alongside mine, making sure it doesn’t crease, I bite back a smile at the fact he’s going to smell my aftershave on him tomorrow.

Without a word, I motion for him to lie back on the bed and let out a strangled moan as his abs ripple.

“You’re so fucking hot, Jax.”

His pupils flare, darkening with heat. “Says you. You look like a ripped, tattooed god. Take your pants off already.”

I grin down at him.

“Soon.”

I unbuckle his belt and pop open the button of his dress pants. I tap his hip with my fingers.

“Lift.”

He raises his hips, and I tug down his pants, folding them neatly on the chair next to his shirt. When I return to stand between his legs, I take in the sight of him lying on the bed. Thick thighs dusted in dark blond hair are spread wide. His hard cock strains against his gray boxer briefs, and my balls tingle when I see the small wet spot near the head of his leaking cock .

I continue my visual exploration, trailing up his V-cut, over his abs and wide chest. His hands fist the bedspread underneath him like he’s trying so hard not to touch himself or me. The small smattering of chest hair between his pecs has my tongue darting out to lick along my bottom lip.

How is it he’s even hotter now than he was when he was in his early twenties? If anything, he’s stronger now. Bigger. And I want to explore every inch of his incredible body with my tongue.

“If you’re done feasting on me with your eyes, take off your damn pants, Cas,” he growls.

A shuddering breath escapes me when I catch his molten eyes.

My hands tremble on my belt buckle and pants. I toss them aside, then hook my thumbs into the waistband of my boxers. I’m half-hard, which tends to be the furthest I can get, but Jackson’s heated gaze doesn’t change as I pull down my boxers. He sits back upright and runs his hands up my thighs to my hips. He leans in, nuzzling his face into the juncture of my groin, and takes a deep inhale.

“Fuck, I’ve missed how good you smell,” he groans, then laves his tongue on the delicate skin near my pubes before he takes my cock into his mouth and gives me one hard suck.

My hands find his hair, combing through the soft strands to anchor myself. I allow him to explore my body with his mouth and hands before I press a knee onto the mattress and straddle his lap. Strong arms wrap around my back. I swallow down his moan and slide my tongue into his mouth.

“I want you so bad, Cas,” he murmurs against my lips .

“You can have me.” I suck on his tongue and flick my thumb over his nipple, causing him to gasp. “Own me like you used to. Own me like we’ve only been apart for days, not years.”

I land on my feet when he stands abruptly. He shucks off his boxers, and my mouth waters at the sight of his long, engorged cock springing free.

“Lie back,” he rasps. His voice is all rich and husky.

I climb onto the bed and prop my head up against the pillows as he crawls over me. My eyes roll to the back when he licks a hot, wet stripe up my semi-hard cock, then straddles my chest.

I wish I could take a mental snapshot of how Jackson looks right now. All heavy-lidded eyes, swollen lips parted. His expansive chest rises and falls with his labored breathing, and his cock points proudly, only inches away from my mouth.

I look up at him from beneath my lashes and smirk. “Do you want something from me, Jax?”

“Yeah, I do. Open up.” He grips the base of his cock and angles it in the perfect position for me to lean my head forward and wrap my lips around him. I place my hands on his thighs, digging my thumbs into the solid muscle, and suck him deeper into my mouth. I keep my eyes fixed on him, watching his head tilt back on a moan. He rocks his hips slightly, and I relax my jaw and throat, taking him as deep as he wants to go.

“Fuck,” he gasps, pulling himself back. He shifts down my body until he can take my mouth in a heated kiss.

I can feel my cock thickening as he grinds himself against me, but I put it to the back of my mind, accepting that if it happens, it happens, but I’m in this moment, wholly.

“Roll over,” he demands when he finally pulls away. He gets off the bed, and I roll onto my front while he retrieves lube from his bag. He throws a leg over mine, then takes one of the pillows and slides it under my hips.

“Is that okay?”

I bite back a smile. “Yeah, it’s all good, Jax.”

He kisses the side of my head, then sits back on his haunches. I watch over my shoulder as he pours lube onto his fingers before he spreads my cheeks. He runs a lubed finger around my hole, and I shiver from my head to my toes.

“Holy shit,” I moan.

The sensation is heady. I haven’t been touched so intimately in such a long time. He works me open with his fingers, and my body melts into the mattress. I’m an incoherent, mumbling mess by the time he’s three fingers deep and stroking my prostate like a dream.

“Jax,” I say with a gasping breath.

“What is it, Cas? What do you need?”

“You. I need you.”

Without a word, he slips his fingers from inside me, and I whimper at the loss. I curl my arms around the pillow beneath my head, and the click of the lube bottle sounds throughout the otherwise silent room, along with the telltale rip of foil. Moments later, Jackson’s warm body blankets my back, his hot breath fanning against my ear. My eyes fall closed at the feel of his blunt cockhead pressing against my hole. He slowly inches inside of me, and we both moan in unison once he passes the first ring of muscle. Then with small, shallow thrusts, he sinks in further until his balls rest against my taint.

“Fuck,” I grunt, feeling fuller than I have in over a decade.

He’s always had the ability to make it feel like I’m levitating. To light up every single nerve ending in my body and make them sing.

He tucks his arms under mine and laces our fingers together. His cock grazes over my prostate with every thrust, and I moan into the pillow. The friction of my cock rubbing against the pillow sends electricity down my spine. Yeah, I might not be hard enough to pound nails into a wall, but this is the most alive I’ve felt in years. Even more alive than the time Jackson kissed me in Peyton’s bathroom.

“I want to hear you,” he whispers in my ear.

“Jax,” I moan.

“That’s it. Say my name, Cas.” He thrusts his hips deeper. “I love it when you say my name.”

My toes curl and abs tense as heat sizzles down my spine.

“ Jackson .”

I’m panting hard. My heart is thumping wildly in my chest. His hips falter, and he lets out a loud curse when I clench around his pulsing cock.

“Hayden.” His moan is almost feral as his hot release fills the condom. He collapses on top of me, both of us gasping for air and skin sticky with sweat. My entire body tingles, like I’ve been zapped by a million tiny shocks.

I might not have come, but holy fucking shit, it was like I had an out-of-body experience.

After a few minutes, Jackson gently eases himself off me, and I listen to his soft footfalls as he enters the bathroom and turns on the tap. He returns a moment later with a warm washcloth and cleans me up. I roll onto my back and search his expression for disappointment when he realizes I didn’t come, but the only expression on his face is lust and affection.

“Is there anything you need? Or is there anything I can do for you?” he asks.

I shake my head. There’s a puck-sized lump of emotion lodged in my throat.

“No, that… That was more than perfect for me.”

Jackson smiles and gives a small nod. He ditches the washcloth, then slides into bed next to me. He wraps his big body around mine and presses a tender kiss to my temple.

“Jax?” I whisper.

“Mmm?” he murmurs sleepily.

I swallow roughly because there are so many things I want to say. Like I’ve never stopped loving you is on the tip of my tongue. But there’s something holding me back from saying it. Maybe it’s because I only used to speak of that four-letter word when we were lying in bed, bodies covered in sweat and drying come.

I don’t want it to be like that this time. I want him to know how I feel about him outside of being high from orgasms.

He’ll soon get bored of you , the voice tries to convince me, but I squash it down.

After everything I’ve told him, he’s still here. That has to mean something, right? That maybe I’m not as broken as I think I am?

“Thank you,” I say instead.

I cringe when he doesn’t reply because it sounds so pathetic. But he answers by squeezing my torso and nuzzling his face in my neck.

“Night, Cas,” he mumbles against my throat.

“Night, Jax.”

I don’t know how many hours pass as I lie there watching him sleep. His lips are parted slightly. His steady breaths come out in warm, soft puffs of air. His thigh rests heavy over mine, and his arm is draped loosely over my waist. I lift my free hand that isn’t caught beneath his arm and gently brush the hair away from his face. He looks so fucking peaceful and beautiful that I choke on my breath, and my eyes burn with tears.

Fuck, I almost didn’t get this. I almost didn’t get this opportunity to watch him sleep again. To have him in my arms or the memory of how he felt inside me.

I blink away the few tears that threaten to fall.

“I won’t fail you a second time, Jackson,” I whisper, carding my fingers through his hair. “I swear to you, I’ll be loving you every day for the rest of my life.”