Page 24

Chapter Twenty-Four

Jackson

I’m working with one of the rookies and Peyton on some passing drills when Coach Harris blows his whistle so loud we all wince.

“Fuck, I hate when he does that,” Peyton groans, rubbing his ear dramatically with his glove.

“Tendy Olsen, let go of my forward, or get off my ice,” Coach calls out.

I glance up the other end of the ice to see Elliot’s holding on to Blaine’s waist from behind, in full goalie getup, while Blaine drags him around the ice.

“He’s taking me on a tour,” Elliot replies. I can hear the smile in his voice. “I’ve carried him on my back through a majority of my career. It’s only fair that he returns the favor.”

Coach blinks at him as Blaine continues to skate around, and then his head whips toward me and Peyton. “Am I having some kind of weird caffeine dream, or have I been around them for so long that it makes sense? ”

I snort a laugh. “Probably the latter.”

Blaine’s skate blade gets caught, and he topples forward, causing Elliot to fall on top of him. They burst into laughter. Blaine pushes Elliot off, and then they both lie on their backs.

“Someone spin me!” Blaine shouts, his arms and legs out wide.

“Me too!” Elliot adds.

Kendrick is the first to skate over and uses his stick to push Blaine. Then, once he’s spinning around in a circle on the ice, he does the same to Elliot.

“Sometimes I wonder if I run a daycare,” Coach grumbles under his breath.

I look at Peyton. “You wanna join in, don’t you?”

“I really do,” he laughs. “It sucks being the responsible adult—” I choke a laugh. “Hey! I am!”

“If you say so, bud.”

But before Peyton can skate over, Coach blows his whistle again. “Hit the showers. Don’t forget, we’re heading out on the toy drive this afternoon. So be out by the bus in thirty minutes.” He taps his stick on the ice before leaving the ice.

I head into the locker room to shower and get dressed in jeans and a team-branded hoodie. The Chicago Thunder Foundation does a toy drive every year where we buy gifts for children in the Chicagoland area who are spending the holidays in the hospital. We’re split into groups and given a list and an age range, and then we have to fill our carts with gifts that fit the demographic.

It’s one of my favorite things to do. Knowing we can put a smile on kids’ faces. I always donate outside of the foundation too, but I do that away from the team.

Forty minutes later, we’re wearing fresh jerseys, and I’m paired up with Zach. We have our list, and we’re buying for ages five to seven.

“I didn’t realize there were so many Barbies,” Zach announces, gaping at the entire aisle filled with Barbies.

“Oh yeah. I’m pretty sure Isabela has more than this. She likes to leave them on the stairs sometimes.”

He laughs. “And I bet you find them early in the morning when you’re half-asleep and bare-footed?”

“You got it.”

We take a side each and pick out the listed amount of Barbies and place them in the cart.

“What are your plans for the holidays? Are you able to see Carter?” I ask.

“Yeah, he’s flying in on the twenty-third. He has a game the night before, then he needs to be back on the twenty-sixth, but I’ll take any time I can get with him.” He shoves his hands into his pockets. “How about you? What have you got planned?”

We’re less than two weeks away from Christmas, and I haven’t done any shopping. My mom has picked up some gifts for me, but I haven’t had the chance to go anywhere. Or even buy a tree.

Jesus. I’m really slacking this year.

I want to ask Hayden to stay for Christmas. We can put up the tree together with the kids. Maybe decorate a gingerbread house together. We can head downtown and go gift shopping, as long as he isn’t in too much pain. Then, we can wrap them up in front of the fire with a glass of wine. Maybe the wrapping turns into kissing.

An image of Hayden’s face appears in my mind, lit up by the soft glow of the tree lights, making his gray eyes sparkle. My heart does a flip in my chest. Fuck, I love him so much. If there was a Santa in here, I’d ask if I could sit on his knee, and my one wish would be, Can I keep Hayden?

But there is no Santa. Just my teammate watching me with a perplexed expression, waiting for me to reply.

“I, uh, haven’t figured it out,” I say, running a hand through my hair. “Haven’t really had a chance to think about it with hockey and sorting Isabela’s support groups out.”

We chat as we make our way around the store, stopping to pose for photos and film clips for the team’s social media. Then we round the next aisle and almost collide with the twins. Elliot’s sitting in the cart, toys piled on top of him.

“I fuckin’ love doing this!” He beams, then holds up a Star Wars Darth Vader mask. “Hey, Zach, look!” He holds it up to his face and quotes the iconic Darth Vader “I am your father” line.

“I’m terrified,” Zach deadpans, but his lips twitch with a smile.

“I know, right!” Elliot grins. “I love shopping for gifts.”

“It’s true,” Blaine chimes in, passing a few more things to Elliot to put inside the cart. “If you ever need someone to get you a gift, ask this guy.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I chuckle.

“You guys almost done?”

“Yeah, just a few more things to get.” Zach waves the laminated sheet we were given .

“Cool. Us too. The cart’s getting heavy.” Blaine goes to push it, but he ends up having to push it with his chest to get it moving.

“Maybe because you’ve got a goalie in there. I don’t think the kids will want that at Christmas,” Zach jokes.

“Oh, that was mean!” Elliot throws a stuffed toy and hits Zach in the face. It falls onto the floor, and both Zach and I stand there, not moving to pick it up. “Noooo! Save the unicorn!”

I’m about to open my mouth to tell him maybe he should get out of the cart and pick it up himself, but Coach Harris rounds the corner and beats me to it.

“Get out of the cart, Olsen,” Coach pipes up from behind us, his own cart overflowing. His eyes land on me. “Daycare. Seriously.”

I smother my laughter with my hands, but I wouldn’t have them any other way.

By the time I pull up to my house, there’s a sense of unease in the pit of my stomach. While I told Laura what happened between me and Hayden, I never told her who he was. I wanted to protect us, protect him, even though we were no longer together. Maybe I broke our vows by keeping it a secret from her, but it was a choice I made, and I don’t regret it.

The house is quiet when I go inside. I can hear noise coming from the theater room in the basement, but the TV in the living room is off. There’s no sound of chatter, and something about it causes my spine to stiffen.

“Hey,” I call out, hanging my coat in the closet.

Laura appears from the kitchen, her eyes wide with worry. “Hi. I, um, I think you need to go check on your friend. I think he might be sick. I didn’t want to go up and see if he was okay, but we were talking, and he went really pale and started sweating. Do you think he’s sick? What if he passed it on to the kids?”

I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to take in everything she just said.

“He’s upstairs?”

She nods, wringing her hands in front of her.

“Okay, I’ll go see him. Are the kids okay?”

“Yeah, they’re watching Inside Out .”

I nod and head up the stairs. I don’t bother knocking on the door to the spare room because we’re beyond that. And while him sleeping in this room is only temporary, he’s still the man I love.

The first thing I notice is his bag on the bed. It looks full, like he’s packed, and then my eyes land on him sitting on the edge of the bed. He’s staring aimlessly at the wall. His eyes are red and puffy behind his glasses. His hands are in his lap, and his nails are short, bitten down as far as they’d go, along with the skin around them. Some look to be bleeding.

I’ve never seen him like this before. So completely… broken.

“Hayden,” I say cautiously. I don’t want to spook him, but I need him to know I’m here for him. Especially if he’s spiraling.

I step in front of him and break his vacant stare with the wall. My heart falls to the pit of my stomach when he looks up at me.

“ Cas ,” I croak, reaching up to cup his face with my palms, but he flinches. “What’s going on? Talk to me.”

His gaze is distant when his eyes meet mine.

“I ruined your life.”

What?

“No, you didn’t. Where is this coming from?” I furrow my brows, my panic rising.

“Have you ever been so scared of failing someone that you question whether they would be better off without you in their life at all? That you love them so wholly, so fucking completely, that you would give up your life, just to spare them any ounce of pain you might cause them?”

My eyes start to burn. I blink quickly, trying to fight off the tears that are close to falling.

“Hayden, what’s happened?” I ask, but he continues.

“Because that’s how I feel for you, Jackson. I would do anything for you, absolutely anything, and hearing I ruined your life…” He shakes his head as tears begin to fall down his cheeks. “I need to make sure I’m worthy of you, Jackson, because you and your two kids…” He sucks in a ragged breath. Each word is pained when he speaks. “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted. A family. And I don’t know if I’m too broken to ever make this work.”

My mind is reeling. Did Laura say something to him? That’s the only thing I can think of. He was okay this morning. He seemed happy with the kids this afternoon when I checked in on him after practice. The only thing that could have caused him to spiral was Laura.

“You didn’t ruin my life, Hayden.” I curve my hands around his neck. “I need you to listen to me. We put the past in the past. I’m not hurting over that anymore, Hayden, because you know why?” I squat down between his legs until we’re at eye level. “You’ve shown up for me. You’ve shown up for my kids. You’ve shown me that you have a big fucking heart and that you care. You’ve shown me that you’re fucking strong because despite whatever lies your mind is telling you, you were strong, and you got the help you needed.”

Tears fall down my cheeks, but I refuse to wipe them away. I need him to see I’m serious about this. About us.

“I love you, Hayden Issac Cassidy. I’ve always loved you, and I will continue to love you. I’ll love you so fucking hard you won’t ever question it.”

He drops his head and lets out a pained sob.

“I… I need to see Roberta.” His eyes are full of agony when they meet mine again.

“Do you want me to come with you?” I say automatically. Because I will. I’ll drop everything. The kids will be okay with my mom, or maybe Laura can even step up. I’ll call Coach and tell him I can’t play and to scratch me. Fuck the team. Fuck hockey.

But before I can suggest any of it, he shakes his head. My throat is lined thick with emotion. I swallow hard, trying to push the weight down.

“I need to do this on my own, Jax.” His voice is hoarse. “I need to see Roberta. I need to work on some things so I can make sure I’m worthy of you.”

How can I deny him this? He’s telling me what he needs, and that’s to see his therapist. How can I stop him from doing that when he’s clearly in a dark spiral I’m unable to pull him out of? I feel helpless, but I love him too much to let him suffer for my sake.

Taking in a deep inhale through my nose, I dig my teeth into the inside of my lip and angle his face to look me in the eyes. “If this is what you need to do, I will support you with whatever you need. But you’re not giving up on me, Hayden. You’re not giving up on us because it’s not just my love you have now. It’s Ryan and Isabela’s. They fucking adore you to the moon, and maybe I’m being a jackass by mentioning how fucking upset they’ll be if you don’t come back, but it’s the truth. You have a family here who love you, Hayden, and you have a home. Here. With us. And we’ll be waiting for you, whenever you’re ready to come home to us.”

“I’m sorry,” Hayden whispers before letting out a heart-wrenching sob.

I catch him in my arms, holding him as tightly and closely as I can. I wish there was something I could do to take away this excruciating internal war he is battling.

My own heart is breaking as I kiss the side of his head over and over, telling him I love him repeatedly while holding him as he crumbles.

By the time I follow him down the stairs to the door, I’m feeling hollow. My eyes are tight from shedding my own tears, and I’m lucky the kids are still in the theater room and won’t witness me about to lose it when the love of my life walks out the door.

I have to trust that he’s coming back. I have to trust that all he needs is to see his therapist and this isn’t him saying goodbye for good.

I have to because I won’t be able to cope if I think otherwise.

I wait while he puts on his shoes and coat, and then I grab him by the lapels and pull him close.

“You’re not giving up on me, Cassidy. I won’t allow it,” I say quietly. “I fucking love you, and I won’t let whatever your head is telling you, get the better of us. Of what we’ve got.”

His gray eyes fill with tears again. He gives a jerky nod and presses a fleeting kiss to my lips before slipping out the door to where a car is waiting for him.

I let out a heavy exhale, running my hands through my hair while I stare at the closed door.

“It was him, wasn’t it?”

I turn around at the sound of Laura’s voice. She looks genuinely distraught, hands wringing in front of her like she always does when she’s worried.

“Your first love. The one from Boston,” she says when I haven’t responded. “The one who broke your heart.”

I nod.

She grimaces. “I’m so sorry, Jackson. I had no idea it was him, but I stand by the things I said.”

“What did you say to him?” I ask, and then she tells me everything.

“I told him the truth, that you were heartbroken and felt abandoned. I thought he knew because you were teammates.”

“Fuck!” I squeeze my eyes closed. I’m not going to tell her he’s been spending the last six years working on himself to believe he is worthy of me because it’s not my story to tell.

“Just because we’re not married anymore doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. He hurt you. Badly. ”

“It was fourteen years ago!” I bellow. “And I don’t think you have the right to come in here, into my house, and preach about what you think I deserve.”

She startles at my outburst, but I’m vibrating with so much emotion. Heartbreak, fear, anxiety. I’m scared, and I’m so fucking pissed that Laura caused him to spiral.

“That man has shown up for me, and for our kids, when I never asked him to. He has proved time and time again that he is worthy . He has shown more love to our kids in these last few months than you have. You make me feel like I’m not good enough of a father for our kids. It’s my fault Isabela has separation anxiety. It’s my fault she needs additional support.”

My voice gradually gets louder, and I’m thankful for the soundproof basement because the kids don’t need to hear this.

“Jackson—” she goes to argue, but I don’t let her interrupt.

“I will do anything for my kids. Anything. I will make sure they have everything they could possibly want or need in life, all while having the job I do. I don’t even know who I am anymore outside of being a dad and playing hockey. I’ve let go of everything to be the best dad I can be for those two kids.”

I take in a deep breath, trying to calm the war inside of me but feeling relief pour out of me with every word as they get off my chest.

“I’m not perfect. I know that, but I’m damn well trying my best, Laura. You made your choice clear when you chose your career over the kids, and I accepted that. I didn’t judge you, or belittle you, or make snide remarks about how you barely spent time with them. No. I let you live your life how you decided it.”

I take a step toward her, and with a calm voice, I say, “Those kids love Hayden, and I’m pretty sure he loves them too. Now, let me live my life the way I want to and in a way I believe is best for my kids and get the fuck out of my house.”