Page 96 of Possessed By Shadows

Lukas stared at me, his expression reading exhaustion rather than any real emotion. “You left.”

It all came down to that.

“We talked about this,” the therapist said.

Lukas looked away. “I can’t help how I feel. You said it’s okay to feel sad and betrayed sometimes.”

“It is,” the therapist said. “But those feelings aren’t Alex’s fault. Did you ask him not to go? Not to enlist in the army? You had planned to go to college, but you never talked about Alex’s plan after high school.”

I didn’t think we’d ever talked about it. Lukas had been busy throwing himself at the world, dating, partying with college kids, drinking, sneaking out at night, and planning for college away from me. I’d been lost and alone long before I’d enlisted.

“I had no idea what I wanted to do,” I said. “College didn’t feel like…” I shrugged. “I needed to get away. Find my people. Too bad the army only sort of worked for that.”

“Have you found your people now?” the therapist asked me.

“I have Micah and Sky.” There were others. Dion. Some of the ghost group, which I’d been seeing a lot of over the last month. The craft group, while I wasn’t close to any of them, they helped ground me. I did sort of feel like I’d found my place. Even if it wasn’t the typical sort of thing I’d been led my whole life to believe was normal. “I feel at home here. Like I have a place.”

“Which is good. And that’s what you wanted for him, right Lukas?”

He sighed. “Yes.”

“But you wish you were closer?” She prodded.

“Yes.” He agreed.

“Do you understand that you’ve been creating that distance? Not sharing with him?”

I sucked in air as she said the quiet part out loud. Lukas didn’t talk for a minute or two, and he sat very still. I wondered if he had one of those waking blackouts again. They weren’t all that unlike my PTSD episodes, only his came in the form of his brain sort of blacking out on him. He explained it like he’d tripped into a dark hole and had to find his way out. Physically he could still be sitting or standing or even walking, but his brain would shut off the cognitive part of him. Then he’d blink awake, confused and disoriented.

Finally, he said, “I didn’t want to burden him. He went through a lot.”

“Burden me,” I said. “Let me help you. And more than just me. You have friends, asshole. Why are you pushing Micah away? And Sky?”

“Sky deserves better.”

“She does. But she fucking loves you. If you don’t love her, then you need to let her go.”

He bit his lip and looked down.

“And what about Micah? Are you treating him like shit because I love him?”

“I don’t know,” he said quietly.

“I need you to know. I need you to at least respect him. He is a huge part of my life, and if you want to be closer to me, he’s part of the deal. You used to be friends. Before I came. That makes me think I’m the problem.” It was hard not to be defensive in these meetings. This was only our second one together. The first had been a mess of memories about our parents, and brutal. It was hard to look back and realize that even though I was twins with Lukas, there was a huge divide on how we were treated. Maybe I’d been a little flighty and ADHD. I’d also been a kid who needed attention and affection from my family and gotten very little.

“I thought he’d fit you, you know,” Lukas said. “You’re a lot alike.”

“He does fit me. He gets me in ways I can’t even begin to explain. Why is that bad?”

He was silent another minute or so before quietly saying, “Because you don’t need me anymore.”

“Bullshit.”

He flinched.

“I’m serious. You’re my brother. I’m still going to ask for hugs, and give you stupid gifts I make because I hope to see you smile at me. I hope that one day I’ll be good enough for your affection.”

“You are,” Lukas said.