Page 33 of Possessed By Shadows

Dion took a spot at the back of the room, away from the door, which was closed. The only lights in the room came from salt lamps scattered around, which were brighter than I’d expected. “We will relax into our inner mind for a few minutes. Shut off the outer world, and awaken the inner one. Everyone comfortable?” She asked.

There was a murmuring of agreement.

I wasn’t sure what awakening the inner eye was, but decided to lean into it and listen. She began with chiming one of those yoga bowls. The delicate ding, and then a soft bit of music from rubbing it a certain way. I tried not to let my mind wander on questions about how and why and what, which was really hard. My brain did the wandering to tangents as a default. But she began to recite something that sounded a bit like our nidra meditation mixed with a body scan, beginning with our feet.

I focused less on her words, and more on the body parts she called out, toes, ankles, hamstrings, knees. Each part moving upward slowly, as if my brain was following a guide through my physical form without being touched. Yet I could feel each part, muscle, bone, skin, with an awareness that became laser focused. I admit that by the time she got to our hands, arms, and up to our chest and neck, I was so relaxed I was pretty much dozing.

Not a dreaming sleep. Not that deep at all, as I still had an awareness of where I was, and Dion’s voice, even though she was speaking at barely above a whisper. It was a bit like floating within myself. Not unpleasant exactly, but vulnerable.

Was it strange that I could feel everyone around me? Almost as though their energy couldn’t be ignored? Even while floating in the clouds of that strange meditation balanced before sleep, they had weight and life. Stretching beyond that, there was something else. A lingering awareness of some larger network of…darkness? It was hard to categorize. Ghosts? The djinn? Yokai? Or my brain being stupid? I tried not to linger, but also had to work not to reach for the feeling as that felt like I’d draw it in.

Could they sense me like I could feel them? Maybe even be drawn to me?

We sat there for a while, me teetering on the edge of sleep, trying to relax into that odd weightless feeling and resist the urge to test all the strange bits of energy I felt. I think I could have slept, even in a room filled with strangers, but the soft music of the bowl kept my awareness in place.

Was this what meditation was supposed to be? If so, I’d been doing it wrong for a long time. But hey, if half sleep was meditation, I was all for doing more of it.

“Let’s gather our light around us,” Dion said quietly. I’d missed something again, my brain reverting back to its normal noise when left unchecked too long. I looked for light in my floating space, and it seemed to linger at the edge, like if I approached, that was where I would sleep?

I lay there a while, in half sleep, willing the light to come to me. And it did a little, though darkness kept edging it out. Not in a bad way, like shadows or something were crawling into my mind, but more like sleep wanted to drag me down instead. After a while I stopped trying to fight it and decided a nap was okay, and hoped that Dion wouldn’t find it rude.

The edge of the dreams danced through my head, not quite forming anything solid, but close enough my brain seemed to relax into a sort of problem-solving mode. The sound of the bowl music, growing louder was what began to pull me back.

I actually opened my eyes, blinking into the pale light of the room, feeling like I’d had a long and refreshing nap. What an odd sensation. How long had it been since I’d felt like I truly rested? Decades? Ever? I lay there, my limbs a bit like weighted jelly. Not uncomfortable, but also not at all how I normally felt. Closing my eyes again I could half see the brightness through the lids, and began to think of it as something moveable. I sort of pictured the light sunning my butthole, an illumination not of real things, but of an internal desire to be warm, safe, and happy. Micah would have laughed. And thoughts of him brought an intensity to the heat and light I seemed to breathe in.

The bowl music dinged, and I expected the floating light to shatter, but it faded instead. Like it sank into my muscles, or my soul, it eased into the background, leaving me warm and pliable as though I’d had a really good stretch and nap at the same time.

I turned my head to look at Micah as there was some movement in the room. The ding apparently giving folks leave to rise and find a seated position. Sky did, sitting up in yoga pose, legs folded in front of her. Micah didn’t move. He actually seemed to be sleeping.

Sky caught my gaze and rewarded me with a sleepy smile. I took my time before getting up. Some continued to rest, maybe they were asleep like Micah. I really hoped he was getting some real sleep. When I finally sat up, my breath had fallen into that long, slow, flow of sleep, yet I was awake. Never before had I found meditation that easy or relaxing. It was a little shocking how clear and focused my mind was. Yes, I could feel my body, and the growing well of a thousand questions dancing at the back of my mind, but none of that was forefront.

Others began to move like they were leaving. Had it been that long? Was class over? I sat on my mat feeling relaxed, and calm, unaffected by the normal activity of the world around me. It was sort of amazing. Not magic, yet, magical. I worried that speaking or moving too much would break the spell, but I whispered, “Should we wake him? Do we need to go?”

Sky shook her head. “We have time. There’s always an extra hour afterward to slowly come back.”

Come back. How weird and yet accurate that statement was. “Is it weird to feel floaty?”

“Not at all,” Dion answered sitting down near us. “Is that all you feel?”

I shook my head, sorting through the short list of things I felt. “Warm, relaxed, rested?” Would she understand the connection I’d experienced? Like I’d been plugged into some sort of vibe of energy?

“That’s a good start,” she agreed.

Was this shielding? I didn’t feel shielded. More open actually. Yet, safe? I stared at Micah, watching him breathe as he slept. I wanted to learn more. Experience this again and dive deeper, if that’s what it was, into this internal self.

“Can I ask a question and you not think I’m crazy?” I asked her.

“Of course.”

Right. I sucked in a deep breath. “Is it normal to feel…” How did I explain? “Connected? Beyond me, I mean. I could sense everyone in the room and beyond like bits of energy pinging on a gigantic spider web.” Describing it that way sounded really a bit mad. But putting it into words was hard.

Dion stared at me a minute, then said, “You are very powerful.”

“That sounds like a line to sell me some self-help products,” I remarked.

She laughed. I liked her laugh; it was warm and alive. “I think you are used to leaving yourself far too open to the world around you. Strange for a soldier. Your kind often close themselves off very early.”

“Guess I’m just special,” I said.