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Chapter Nineteen

J osiah looked up as the front door opened.

He wanted to get the house finished for Claire.

He hated that it was such a mess while she was going through such a hard time.

He couldn’t imagine that the state of the house made things any easier for her.

But in order to finish the kitchen, it was going to have to get worse before it got better, since he would have to take everything out in order to put things in.

And it was going to take a little while, especially with the tile backsplash behind the counter and the fact that all the walls needed to be painted.

“We’re home,” Claire said, coming into the kitchen. She looked like she’d had quite a day, which of course he knew she had. But she had a certain glow about her, and he suspected that her talk with Grace had gone very well.

She nodded and smiled, as though she’d read his mind. “You were right. It went much better than I thought it was going to.”

“What did you want to tell us, Mom?” Lana said, setting her bookbag down on a chair at the kitchen table and turning to face her mom.

“Dan, come in here. I want you to hear this too.” She waited until Dan had come in. Josiah wanted to ask if he should leave. He didn’t know if he should go back to work or stand there and support her or what. He waited for some kind of sign from her.

She glanced at him, and the look she gave him made him feel like she was depending on him to stand beside her.

So he put his tools down, wiped his hands on the rag he carried in his back pocket, and stayed where he was.

He didn’t want the children to get the idea that he was somehow in partnership with their mom.

It was a position that wasn’t his, and he didn’t want to overstep.

“You know that Grandma had cancer,” Claire began.

The kids nodded, both of their faces scrunched up like they didn’t understand what was going on.

“She passed away today. Her body is at the funeral home, and the funeral will be Saturday.”

“Grandma died?” Lana asked immediately, sounding offended, like Grandma wasn’t allowed to die without her permission.

Josiah did not allow his lips to twitch up. It wasn’t exactly the reaction he was looking for. He was sure that Claire was probably befuddled by that one as well.

“Yes. The doctor had told us that it could be anytime in the next six months.”

“I thought she had six months,” Lana said. “I thought we’d see her when we got back from Boston at the end of the summer.”

“I really thought so too. I didn’t realize it was going to be so quick. But the doctor told us right there in the patient room that she wasn’t God. She couldn’t tell us exactly when—she just knew it was close.”

“Does this mean we’re not getting any more bread?” Dan asked, and again, Josiah had to keep his lips from twitching up. Dan was male through and through. Food was the most important thing.

“Well, Grandma was teaching me how to make bread.”

“But yours isn’t as good.”

And honest. He hadn’t yet learned that sometimes it was better to keep his mouth closed on occasion and that he should not say everything that was in one’s head.

He supposed that was a skill that came with age and time. One that he maybe still hadn’t mastered.

“I know this is sudden and unexpected. And however you’re feeling, it’s okay. There isn’t a certain way you have to feel. Maybe you’re not sad at all. We didn’t know her very well.”

“Yeah. I’m a little bit bummed, but… I think the bread is the thing I’m going to miss the most,” Lana said, shrugging her shoulders and acting like it was no big deal.

Josiah watched Claire carefully. He didn’t want her to be upset that her children weren’t devastated. Stranger things had happened. And she was already in a delicate spot, at least from his point of view, although he figured Claire was probably a lot stronger than she looked.

“That’s fine. I didn’t have anything else I wanted to say to you. You can go play until around five, when you’ll need to come in to get ready to go to your program tonight.”

“We can go outside?” Dan asked, as though to make sure.

“Yes. I’ll have food ready at five, and we’ll get ready to go.”

“Is Josiah coming with us?” Lana asked, glancing over to where he stood leaning against the counter.

“He’s welcome to if he wants. He’s helped me a good bit today with all the phone calls and things I needed to make. I appreciated him being here to support me so I didn’t have to do everything alone.”

Lana jerked her head in a nod and didn’t make a comment, either positive or negative. Josiah wasn’t sure exactly what she thought of him.

Not that it mattered. Once he was done doing all the things that Grandma had already paid for in the house, he probably wouldn’t see Claire and her family much at all.

The thought made him feel down, like gravity had somehow gotten stronger all of a sudden.

“I’m here if you need to talk,” Claire said, and her children filed out of the kitchen. Somber, but not sad or devastated. There were no tears, and there was no unbearable grief.

She waited until their footsteps had faded on the steps before she turned to him. “It was easier than I thought it was going to be. Almost too easy. But thanks for being here.”

“Of course. Same way you said you’re there for your kids—I’m here for you if you need anything.”

The knowledge shone in her eyes. “Thank you. And thank you again for insisting I go see Grace. It was the best decision I could have made. She’ll be someone to stand by me as well.”

For some reason, instead of being completely happy about that, there was a small slice of him that was a little jealous.

She had someone else to lean on other than just him.

He knew how selfish that was. She needed as many people as she could gather around her to help her through this time, and who was he to be the slightest bit upset?

Yet he wanted to be the one she turned to. Not Grace, not someone else. Him.

That was selfish and wrong of him, and while he couldn’t change his feelings that second, he certainly wasn’t going to act on them.

He was going to support her finding as much support for herself as she could.

And he was going to graciously stand back and allow anyone else to stand beside her who wanted to, although, if she wanted him, he would be there. No questions asked.

“I’m glad you talked to her. I’m glad things turned out so well.”

“I was thinking. Grandma wouldn’t want us to be sad.

She wouldn’t want us to be upset or mope around.

In fact, when she got the diagnosis from the doctor, she was happy.

I want to be happy too. I want to spend the next week with my children doing all the things that we’re not going to get to do all summer.

Packing a whole summer’s worth of things into the next week. ”

“I think your gram would be all on board for that. As long as there’s lots of homemade bread to go along with it.

” He added that last part as a bit of humor, and it worked, because she laughed.

He felt like this idea that she had was a good one—to be happy rather than sad.

To go out of her way to find fun things to do and to make memories with her children, the way her grandma would have wanted her to.

It totally sounded like something that would make Grandma happy to him.

“I was hoping you would join us for a few things. Maybe not all. I know you need to work. And I don’t want to pull you away from that, and I do want to have some special time with my children—just me and them.

But…maybe a boat ride? Maybe find some kites to fly down by the beach? Or horseback riding?”

“I’m sure Rodney and Becky would allow us to ride their horses or even give us a carriage ride if you’re interested in that.”

“I think that would be fun. Something new. I’ve never had one. ”

“Me neither. But I know they offer them. And yeah, I’m on board for whatever. Although I had already determined that I was going to work here in the kitchen as much as I could, because I figured the kitchen being in chaos was not helping your life feel more peaceful.”

“I don’t know that life is supposed to feel peaceful. I mean, that’s the feeling I love. It’s one that I actively try to pursue, but…is that the point of life?”

He stood there for a moment. “I suppose the point of life is to give glory to Jesus in everything that we say and do.”

“Yeah. And I think some people do what they want and point to the Lord, but I think the whole point is to do what God wants and point to the Lord. There’s a difference.”

“Yeah. Sometimes I have trouble understanding the difference.”

“Me too. Still, I think it glorifies God when we’re happy and at peace with the things that He’s brought into our lives.

Whether it’s a good thing, which is obviously easy to be happy and at peace over, or a hard thing, like Grandma.

So I don’t want to fake it exactly, but I don’t want to sit around and brood.

I want to be happy that Gram’s in heaven, and happy that I get a week with my kids, and happy that I have a beautiful place to live and love and raise them. ”

“All right. Sounds like ‘the joy of the Lord is your strength.’”

She smiled at his quoting of the Old Testament verse.

It was a verse that had always caught him, because he had wondered how?

How was the joy of the Lord strength to someone?

But it seemed like Claire was going to try to live that this week—to lean on the strength of the Lord, to find the joy of the Lord, and make it her strength.

“I was hoping that you would go with us tonight. I know that originally you were going to either help us with Grandma or stay here with her, but… Would you come?”

The way she asked, the soft whisper of her breath over the words, the way she looked at him, made him feel…

like maybe they were more than friends, like she admired him, like she truly desired to be with him.

It stirred something in his soul, and he had to remind himself that she had just lost her grandma.

He wasn’t going to take advantage of whatever vulnerable state she was in.

Although, was it taking advantage when she made the move ?

Still, all she had done was ask a question, and it was an easy answer for him. “Yes. Of course. I’d love to.”

“All right. Then I know that you’re going to need to leave early so you can spend time with your mom.”

“Yeah. I probably should pack up right now and go home and help her out, make sure everything’s okay.”

“And then you’ll be back.”

“That’s right.”

“That sounds good.” She paused for a moment and then seemed to hesitate as she shifted.

Then, with deliberate steps, she closed the distance between them and hugged him, wrapping her arms around him and putting her head on his chest. His breath froze in his lungs before his arms came up and he hugged her back, probably pulling her to him harder and tighter than what was strictly necessary.

It wasn’t a familiar place for her—but she felt perfect in his arms, and he wanted her there. Wanted her to stay.

“Thank you. Thank you so much. Today would have been a nightmare without you. But I’m actually in a really good place—positive and upbeat—and while anytime I think about the future it looks scary, I just remind myself that I need to focus on today, which is not scary at all.

It’s a happy day. A celebratory day, because Grandma is with Jesus and she’s happy. ”

“That’s very wise. It’s one thing to know it, and it’s another thing to be able to do it. I admire you.” That was true. He felt a lot of other things other than admiration, but admiration was one that he could admit to.

“Thanks to you. If you hadn’t taken the time to talk to me, and help me, and be here when I needed you, I don’t know what kind of mess I would be right now.” She pulled back a little, and he reluctantly loosened his grip and allowed her to. “Thank you.”

He nodded, not knowing what words to say, not trusting himself to not say something that he shouldn’t.

She’d just had a really hard thing happen, along with an exceptionally difficult year.

This wasn’t the time for him to tell her that he thought he was falling in love with her and ask her to consider what that might mean for her .

He wasn’t even sure what he wanted. Except maybe he wanted her to admit that she was falling for him as well.

As she stepped back, he pushed away from the counter where he was leaning and pulled the rag back out of his pocket, wiping his hands, because he needed something to do with them.

“I’ll be back this evening. Call me or text me if you need me, okay? Anytime, about anything.”

“Okay. And thank you. It’s good to know that if I need you, you’re there.”

He nodded, and then, as much as he didn’t want to, he left the kitchen and drove away.

He wanted to stay there with her. He wanted that to be his right—where they walked through this together, all the way.

But that wasn’t his position right now, and he had to be okay with that. Still, a man could dream.