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Chapter Twelve

J osiah was in the act of trying to pry the porch railing back away from the post when Claire came out the door.

He realized he was holding his breath but couldn’t seem to make his lungs work as her eyes met his.

Her face seemed calmer, and maybe she wasn’t angry anymore. Was it possible that she’d gotten over it that fast?

His dad had always said that his mom was not really a normal woman because she never got angry. His dad told horror stories of growing up with sisters who fought over everything and got offended over the slightest things.

Maybe Josiah was using an unfair yardstick with which to measure Claire.

“I’m sorry. I stomped away angry, and that was really immature and stupid of me.”

“It’s okay. I kind of figured when we were talking that you were going to be angry when you found out.

But… I couldn’t say anything, because I knew that if your grandma wanted you to know, she would have told you.

As much as I wanted you to know.” He wanted her to believe that.

Because it was true. He had almost told her over and over again, because he thought it was important for her to know .

“That makes me feel a little better. I’m glad that you wanted me to know, at least.”

“Is she okay?” he asked, referring to her grandma.

She nodded. “She admitted everything and agreed that maybe she needed to go back to the doctor. She’s in pain now.”

She closed her eyes and put a hand out to steady herself against the doorpost.

He set his tools down, straightened, and walked up the steps.

“Want to sit down for a minute?” he said, afraid she was going to fall down if she didn’t find a place to rest for a moment.

“I just can’t believe it. My grandma. I mean…

I wanted her to be my rock. And now I come here, and she’s just another problem.

” She put her head in her hands. “I don’t mean it like that.

” She sighed, rubbing her fingers over her forehead, as though she had a headache.

“I just mean it like… I wanted to come here and heal, not have more to deal with.”

“Apparently the Lord had other plans,” he said, knowing that she was just as liable to get upset with him for saying it as she was to be comforted by it.

She looked up. “Grandma said that I should be careful not to be offended. She said that my life will be a lot less stressful if I learn to just let things go. Not just the things people do, but situations too. Like Grandma.” She lifted a hand and held it out.

“I can’t do anything about it. Worrying isn’t going to solve anything.

So I just need to trust God. But you know how much harder it is to do that than it is to say? ”

He grinned a little. “Yeah, I’ve had decades of experience with my mom.”

Realization dawned in her eyes, and her head tilted a bit. “I’m sorry. I’m making my problem huge, while you have your own problems.”

“But I’ve dealt with them. I’ve done what you just said.

What your grandma told you to do. God’s got it.

And yeah, sometimes I look at her and think, ‘Man, I think she’s worse than she used to be,’ or ‘Is that another symptom? Does that mean she’s going downhill faster?

’ But then I remember that it’s not up to me to know the times or the seasons.

I just have to trust that God’s going to keep her here with me until it’s time for her to go.

And of course, I’m going to do everything I can to make her more comfortable, to follow the doctor’s orders, to help her eat healthy and hopefully extend her life.

But in the end, God is in control, and I have to pry my fingers off and let it go. ”

He’d never really said it that clearly to anyone before, but it seemed like Claire could use a little help. She seemed overwhelmed.

“Thank you for that. I guess that’s what I need to do. But it’s so hard to think of the future without her.”

“Why do you need to think about that now?” he asked. He’d long ago stopped wondering what things would be like when his mom passed. After all, he could sit around worrying about that for years and end up dying first. It was a silly thing to worry about.

“I guess I don’t,” she said after a moment of thought. “I just feel like I have to figure everything out this second.”

“Isn’t that what faith is? Just knowing that God will figure it out. We don’t have to. When the time comes, God’s going to give us grace to get through whatever it is we need to get through, and if we need to figure something out, we’ll figure it out then.”

“That’s such a more relaxed way of looking at it. I want to worry. I feel like I need to worry. If I’m not worrying, then I’m not doing my job.”

“The Bible says that worry is sin,” he said, not meaning to argue with her, but he knew he was right. And he knew that she would understand when she heard it, because she’d been talking about it.

“I know. Why do I feel like I need to, when the Bible clearly tells me I don’t?”

“Maybe that’s Satan trying to convince us that what God said isn’t relevant. He does it all the time, you know.”

He thought about how people felt like it was important that they not be doormats, and if someone wasn’t kind to them, they were being a doormat if they were kind in return.

So many things the Bible clearly said were not God’s will, and yet Christians quickly did what the world said and hardly ever tried to put the Bible into practice in their life.

They read it, and the words went right over their head.

“I think it just feels better to me to be doing what isn’t right sometimes. And that surprises me, because I thought I was very sensitive to sin.”

“Sure. You probably are. Sins like lying and cheating and being unkind. But sins like worry and fear and treating other people the way they treat us aren’t really on our radar all the time.”

“Or pride. I finally figured out that part of the reason I was offended that you didn’t tell me that my grandma was sick was because I thought I deserved to know. That’s pride. I…have a problem with that. Feeling like I deserve things.”

“I guess we don’t deserve anything but hell. But it’s hard to reconcile that.”

“It is. It is hard to take that a step further and be grateful for every little thing we get, because that isn’t what we deserve.”

“Sometimes we get something, and we feel like we need even more on top of that, rather than being grateful for what we get.”

“Guilty,” she said, smiling at him.

He wanted to ask if she was feeling better. She looked like it. Finally, she took a deep breath and then looked out over the horizon.

“Thank you. I feel better. Maybe not able to handle everything, but at least armed with the knowledge that there’s nothing I can do, and I might as well let go and give God the control that I want to desperately wrestle away from Him.

And why?” She laughed. “Because I think I can do so much better? There’s pride again.

I don’t think God is handling it well enough, so I need to grab it from Him and take control. ”

“We all do that, right?”

“Thanks for talking to me.” She looked over at him and looked grateful.

It made his heart swell a bit, and he just nodded, then looked away.

He didn’t want to have any tender moments between them, because he knew that she was just seeing him as a friend.

And he also knew that there was a part of him that could want more. And shouldn’t.

“I think I’m going to do what you suggested and reach out to Grace. I think it was pride keeping me from it. After all, who wants to apologize? And that’s the first thing I need to do.”

“You might be surprised. She might not remember things the way you do, and she probably isn’t expecting an apology.”

“Are you defending her?” Claire asked, causing his eyes to slant to hers.

She had been joking.

“I might have been a little bit. ”

“You’re not allowed to do that. Not until we’re friends again. And then, once Grace and I are friends, then you can defend her all you want to.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said. “You keep me posted.”

“I will.” They sat there for a moment, and then she said, “Thanks again. I appreciate your listening ear and your wisdom. I needed it to kind of get out of my slump. Whatever happens, happens, and I’m going to trust God and hold onto Him.

” She put a hand up. “Which does not mean that I’m not going to miss my grandma.

But she’s not gone yet, so I don’t have to think about that now. ”

“That’s right. Something will come, something better, and God will work it all out for good.”

She smiled at him one last time before she got up and walked around the edge of the house.

He sat there for another moment, thinking.

He had briefly mentioned fear as being a sin.

And maybe that’s what had kept him from dating all of these years—because he knew how Claire hadn’t responded to his kiss all those years ago, when he had enjoyed it.

Maybe that had marked him, caused him to be afraid, more than he realized.

But maybe too, he was waiting for someone more like Claire to come along.

Now Claire herself was here, and he was afraid to have any deep moments with her, because he was afraid she wouldn’t feel the way he did.

Fear. He didn’t want to allow fear to control his life, and yet…

he was. Maybe that was something he needed to work on.