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Page 14 of Out of Bounds (Atlanta Demon Series #4)

“Okay.” Finding the strength, I crunk my truck and pulled away. As much as I wanted to stay and be with my family, I had no choice but to accept that it was really over. Those kids were my family, but not Kreed. He was the man I love who broke my heart.

Sitting Indian style on the sofa, I accepted the glass of wine from Koya.

“Now, tell me what happened,” Koya requested.

Thinking of the best way to describe how I was feeling, I said, “It’s like… living with an invisible bruise. From the outside, shit looks good, but inside… there’s this constant pain. It’s not always sharp. Shit, sometimes…. It’s dull, but it’s there.

“Every day… I get up and say, ‘Okay, today will be the day that I don’t cry.’ Then something random will happen; I’ll hear a song, smell his cologne… think of something that makes me want him, and then I’m back to square one… Feeling the betrayal all over again as if it’s fresh.”

“I haven’t dealt with that type of pain before, but I’m sure it doesn’t feel good. I’m so sorry, Sai.”

Taking a sip out of the glass, I snorted.

“It feels like death, Koya. Honestly, it feels like someone took my entire world and flipped that shit upside down before stomping on it. I barely eat, haven’t really been sleeping…

I’m running off hopes and wishes most days.

Then, the shit comes in waves. Sometimes it’s like a gut-wrenching heartbreak, then other days it’s strictly rage.

Like, I really be feeling like I want to kill this man.

Then I think about my kids and know that it would fuck them up even more if they lost their daddy indefinitely.

You know my baby girl asked me this morning if I missed him…

” My chest hollowed, feeling the tears making their appearance.

“Of course, I miss him. Miss him so much that I want to just give in and take him back. Then, I feel humiliated and betrayed, like everything was fake. I’m replaying every moment, every conversation, every thought…

trying to figure out what I missed. Trying to figure out if the signs were there all along, and I was too dumb in love to notice them. ”

“Right…” Koya nodded. “Do you think it was anything that you missed?”

“No. He was here. When he wasn’t, he was either at practice or hanging with the guys. The picture she painted was as if he had been seeing her behind my back. But I’m left wondering when he had time because that man was up my ass, Koya.”

“Okay, so…” Koya held her hand up. “When it first came out, he and Deuce talked. Deuce told me it happened once. It wasn’t some ongoing affair.”

“I don’t know if I believe that.”

“Have you guys talked about it? Like, really talked. You know… since it all happened.”

“No. When I first approached him about it, he didn’t say shit. I asked, and he chose to remain silent. He did say once before that when I was ready to hear his side, he would tell me.”

“So why haven’t you asked?” she asked.

“Scared…” I admitted and downed the rest of my wine. “I’m deathly afraid of the truth.”

“Well, babe, I do understand that. However, I think the two of you need to talk. There are still a bunch of unanswered questions, and the only person who can clear things up for you is Kreed.”

“But I don’t want to talk to him, Koya.” I pouted. I felt like if I really sat there and heard him out, one of two things was going to happen. Either I was going to forgive him and hop back into our marriage, or I was going to end up hating him more than I do right now.

“You gotta, though, babe. The midday mental breakdowns are not healthy. Valid, yes. But not healthy… not for anyone.”

“I know… It’s the back and forth in my head that makes me feel insane.

I wanna take that step forward and file those papers that I have, then I think about all of the memories we’ve made and shove them back in the desk.

The years we’ve spent together loving one another, Koya.

How am I supposed to just wake up day after day when the fate of my marriage is looming over me?

God… I love him so much. But do I love him enough to want him back? ”

“I can’t answer that for you. Nor will I judge you for admitting that you do and will take him back.”

“This is my life. The love of my life.” Swiping away the fallen tear, I held my head back. “I wish I could rewind time. Like undo everything completely . I could’ve gone about the rest of my life not knowing about his fucking up.”

“Eventually, it would’ve come out. There’s a kid involved.”

I snorted. “Oh, I know. And to be completely honest, that kid is the furthest thing from my mind.”

“You do know a day is going to come when he’s gonna want to introduce him to the kids.”

“I know,” I mumbled. “Which is probably one of the main reasons I don’t want to find out his side of whatever he’s done. You know, he told me he doesn’t regret the baby… He regrets the way he came about, but he doesn’t regret him.”

“How did that make you feel?”

I shrugged because I didn’t know how I felt about it.

“Would it make you feel better if he did?” she probed.

“A little…” Glancing up at her, I asked. “Does that make me a bad person?”

“No, babe, it doesn’t. It makes you human. That child was the cause of your marriage ending. It’s perfectly normal for you to feel a way. However, you know if anyone is going to keep it real with you, that’s me.”

“Oh, I know.” I chided.

“Right. So. You do realize if you were to forgive Kreed and take him back, then that means, ultimately, you would be the stepmother of his illegitimate child.”

Groaning inwardly, I frowned. “Please don’t remind me.”

“No, I have to say this because you need to know what the future looks like. Are you willing to step up and care for that child when he’s in your home? Regardless of the resentment you hold for the situation, he’s still part of your husband and is your children’s sibling.”

“That baby didn’t ask to be brought into this mess.

I wouldn’t dare mistreat him because of my husband’s actions.

Would he serve as a constant reminder of the situation that broke me?

Absolutely, but I know that forgiving Kreed would be me accepting that child as my own.

That’s what I don’t think I’m ready for. ”

“And that’s valid.” Grabbing my hands into hers, Koya gave them a squeeze. “Masai, no one is rushing you to make a decision. There is no time limit on grief. You’re allowed to take as much time as you need to process things.

“You’re also allowed to be angry—to go through the motions.

Hell, you’re even allowed to spend time with your husband.

Whatever your heart is telling you to do, you’re allowed to do it.

There is no right or wrong way to go about this.

You’re not the first wife who’s had to deal with a philandering husband.

Just like you’re not the first to have a baby made on them.

“Shit… look at Bria Anderson. Baby girl said we gonna raise our kids, the side kids, and we gonna stay together. That girl ain’t letting nobody take her man.”

That shit made me laugh. When I say I laughed, I straight howled because I needed to hear that. I know I wasn’t the first and probably wouldn’t be the last. I just never thought this would be my reality. Once the laughter subsided, Koya finished what she was saying.

“No shade to Bria ’cause, bitch… I feel you. But I said that to say, don’t rush yourself to make a decision. Give yourself grace and time. If the divorce is what you want, then we know how to proceed. You thought anymore about the job offer?”

“I haven’t.” Nibbling on my lip, I kind of felt embarrassed.

Koya had a friend who owned her own law firm, and when I expressed wanting to go back to work, she slid her my number.

The two of us had talked previously, in which she let me know that when I was ready, I had a spot at her firm.

I just hadn’t decided if I was really ready to hop back into corporate America.

“No worries. You know the offer for you to come back is always on the table. You just gotta make the call.”

“I know.” I exhaled. “Kreed is still paying for everything, so I’m not in a rush.”

“Understandable. Again, move when you’re ready. Not when everyone thinks you should.”

“You’re right. Thank you, Koya, for everything. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Touché. And I don’t ever plan on finding out. You can leave Kreed, but leaving me isn’t an option,” she said in her usual sass.

Wrapping my arm around her shoulder, I pulled her into a hug. Koya had been a beacon of light in this dark atmosphere that I was in. It was our daily talks that kept me from jumping off a cliff. I thanked God every day for blessing me with this friendship.

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