Page 23 of One Forbidden Kiss with the Laird (The Cinderella Shepherd Sisters #2)

‘Rationalise something that is so emotional. Just because you were not beaten and starving in a gutter, it does not mean you cannot be affected by the things that have happened to you.’ She took a breath and then carried on before he could say anything in reply.

‘Take my childhood. To most people looking in it was happy.’ She grimaced and shook her head.

‘Most of the time it was happy. I had a loving mother and a sister to share everything with. We were far from wealthy, but we never starved and always had a roof over our heads.’

Callum said nothing, wondering if she was going to continue.

Until now she’d been vague about her past, telling him with great enthusiasm about the beauty of the Sussex town she grew up in, the walks along the cliffs and the evenings spent watching the crashing waves from their house up on the hill.

She’d spoken of her sister, too, the twin she loved dearly, but felt the need to break away from, to forge her own identity rather than be one of a pair.

What she had been oddly reserved about was her parents, which made sense if his mother was right and she was indeed the illegitimate daughter of Sir William.

Yet tonight the alcohol had loosened her tongue and she looked eager to spill every last secret.

‘There was always something missing. When we were young our mother told Sarah and I that our father was a soldier, killed in some distant war. Even then it felt as though I had been robbed of something and then when I found out he was alive it was as though a part of me was missing. I had this gaping hole that seemed to get bigger and bigger every time I thought about my father, out there somewhere.’

‘Sir William?’

Selina looked up at him, realising what she had just given away. She hesitated, as if wondering if she should deny it, but after a moment nodded.

‘Yes. Sir William. My father.’ Her tone was bitter. ‘A man who I suspect would be rather delighted if I quietly wasted away from some horrible disease. I expect he would even pay for a discreet burial, far from the family tomb, of course.’

‘He has shown no care for you?’

Selina shook her head, looking down at the ground. He could see the glint of tears in her eyes and finally realised the depth of the turmoil she had been suffering.

‘It is my fault for expecting a fairy tale. I’ve always been fanciful, carried away by my own imagination.

My sister, Sarah, tried to tell me that there was nothing to be gained from chasing a man who had not wanted anything to do with us throughout our childhood, but I reasoned things might not be as simple as all that.

I spun stories about a man, constrained by the expectations of his family, living in regret, desperate to find the two daughters he had left behind. ’

‘That wasn’t what you found.’

‘No. Sir William was aghast when I turned up at his door. His first thought was to turn me away, that was certainly what his wife counselled him to do, but he was worried about his reputation. He is quite the social climber, desperate to be accepted by the higher echelons of Society, hamperedby the mediocrity of his birth.’

‘He was worried you would make trouble for him, tell anyone who would listen about the illegitimate daughters he had left behind.’

Selina gave a mirthless snort of laughter.

‘It is ridiculous really. The nobility have all these ideals, all these rules they expect everyone to live their lives by, but they get away with flaunting them at every turn. Show me a viscount or an earl who denies having an illegitimate child or a scandalous mistress and I will show you a liar.’

‘I have neither,’ Callum said gently.

She paused then and turned to look at him, her eyes meeting his. ‘Then you are the exception.’

‘I do not know how you have stayed with Sir William for so long.’

‘Blind optimism. I think it may be my curse. I kept thinking if I just gave it one more week he would see I wasn’t there to ruin his life, that we could have some sort of civil, perhaps even loving relationship.’

‘But that never materialised.’

‘No. I was almost ready to leave when they announced this trip to Scotland. I thought I would be banished at that point, instructed to disappear, but then there was the suggestion I join them.’ She pressed her lips together, trying to not show quite how much all this had hurt her.

Callum had the urge to pull her into his arms, to comfort her, but he resisted, thrusting his hands into his pockets to constrain them.

‘You thought this might be the softening you had been waiting for.’

‘I told myself a few more months could not hurt and perhaps I would regret it if I didn’t see if Sir William’s attitude towards me would change as he got away from the stresses of London.’

‘I am wagering it did not.’

‘No, it soon became clear I was still an inconvenience at best and a dirty little secret at worst. He brought me along as he still did not trust me not to reveal to someone who might matter my true connection to him while he was away.’

‘I am sorry,’ Callum said quietly. ‘To have found your father when you thought him lost, only to realise he was never going to acknowledge you or treat you kindly, is horrible.’

‘It is my own fault. I am a romantic fool who thinks if I wish for something hard enough it will happen.’

‘Do not let this disillusion you, Selina.’ He heard the catch in his voice, the thrum of emotion. Selina must have heard it, too, for she turned to him, stopping in the middle of the road and waiting for him to look at her.

This time he did reach out, disobeying every instinct he had that told him to keep walking, to turn the conversation to the mundane and return Selina home with haste.

His fingers grazed her cheek and he felt a spark pass between them, hopping from her skin to his and making his fingertips fizz and tingle.

‘Do not let this awful man change even a single little part of you. He does not deserve to mould you in any way.’

Her breathing had quickened, her chest was rising and falling as if she had been walking uphill despite the road being flat.

Her lips parted ever so slightly and he saw the very tip of her tongue dart out to moisten them.

For a moment he could think of nothing but kissing her, nothing but the taste of her lips, the feel of her skin under his hands.

He wanted to forget his obligations, forget the promises he had made, and take what he wanted right here in the wilderness with only the stars and the night creatures as witnesses.

‘You’re thinking about kissing me,’ Selina said, a little smile playing on her lips.

‘And you’re thinking about being kissed.’

‘See,’ she said, giving a little shrug of her shoulders. ‘I’m doing it again. I know there can be nothing between us. I understand that. Yet here I am wishing you would throw me over the back of your horse and whisk me away into the sunset.’

‘What would we do in the sunset?’

‘Oh, adorably sickening things. Kiss and cuddle and—’ She broke off, blushing, and Callum knew exactly what she was thinking.

‘Selina Shepherd, I thought you were meant to be an innocent miss.’

‘Is it sinful to wish for something? To imagine, when you know it will never happen?’

Callum felt a yearning deep inside him. Never had he wanted a woman the way he wanted Selina. She was intoxicating, alluring in her honesty and her vulnerability.

‘If that is sinful, then call me a sinner,’ he murmured, unable to stop himself from taking a step towards her.

‘You’ve…imagined things?’

‘Ever since I first met you, you’ve plagued my dreams. I wake filled with longing, feeling completely unfulfilled, wishing I could dive back into the dream to finish what we started.’

‘I dream of you, too.’ Her words were barely more than a whisper, but they made something tighten deep inside and he felt a wave of desire flood through him.

‘You do?’

She nodded and he thought she wasn’t going to say any more, but then she looked away and continued. ‘Last night I dreamed of us lying down in the heather together. Somehow, as you do in dreams, we had lost our clothes along the way.’

Callum swallowed hard and felt his eyes flit down to take in Selina’s perfect body.

He felt as though he already knew every curve, so hungrily had he taken in each time their bodies had brushed together.

Yet the idea of stripping her out of her dress and exploring every inch of her by the light of the moon and the stars was almost too much to bear.

‘Did you dream of what came next?’

By the colour that flooded to her cheeks Callum could see she had and he felt a need to know what her subconscious had dreamed of. For a long moment she wouldn’t meet his eye and then she tilted her chin up and looked at him.

‘I did.’ It was such a simple statement, but Callum felt all his pent-up desire surge and throb at those two little words and if Selina had not turned away he would have ravished her there on the road between Taigh Blath and Ballachulish. ‘Now, I thought you were meant to be seeing me safely home.’

Callum couldn’t stop the low groan of frustration that came from his lips and desperately tried to remind himself this was for the best. Right now he could barely remember why he was torturing himself in such a cruel way, especially when Selina clearly wanted the same thing he did.

* * *

By the time the silhouette of the house had come into view Callum had managed to regain a little control over himself.

He guided Selina away from the main drive, aware that if anyone happened to glance out of one of the windows at the front of the house they would be spotted as clear as if it were day.

Instead he led her around the side of the house, using the trees to hide their movement.

‘What if the door is locked?’ Selina suddenly looked worried. The crisp air had done a wonderful job of sobering her from the last of the alcohol, meaning she was now nervous that they might be caught.

‘I expect it will be. We’re a friendly lot here in Ballachulish, but I would not leave a house with as many fine things in it as Taigh Blath unlocked all night long. It would be foolish to tempt anyone who might fancy one of the valuable paintings or pieces of porcelain for themselves.’

‘How will I get back in?’ Selina asked, aghast at the idea that she might be locked out.

‘You forget I grew up here. I know every trick to get into this fortress, every window that does not quite close properly, every door that can be gently forced open.’

They were around the back of the house now and Callum paused by a nondescript wooden door, half-hidden by a climbing plant. Selina frowned, taking a step back and looking from side to side.

‘What door is this? I haven’t noticed it before.’

‘It is designed that way,’ Callum said, enjoying himself now. ‘It looks like many of the other doors dotted around that lead to the service areas of the house, but is tucked out the way to be inconspicuous.’

‘Where does it lead?’

‘You will have to wait and see.’

He reached out and pulled away a section of the wooden, gripping a hidden latch and quietly opening the door before slipping inside. Selina hesitated behind him, only following him inside when he held out his hand for her.

‘When I close the door it will be completely dark,’ he warned her. ‘Hold my hand and I will guide you along the passage. Use your other hand to feel along the wall.’

She peered uncertainly past him down the passage, although nothing could be seen past the first few feet.

‘Will there be rats?’

‘Perhaps. It is impossible to completely keep the vermin out in an old house like this. Would you prefer it if I carried you?’

She looked as though she was seriously considering the offer, but eventually shook her head.

‘We will be in the dark for about a minute. Be especially careful on the stairs.’

As he reached out to pull the door closed behind him he felt Selina huddle close, her body pressed up against his. Their fingers were entwined and she gripped his hand tight.

‘Start walking with me, nice and steady. One foot in front of the other.’

They began to edge along the passageway, Callum counting the steps under his breath.

The old house had a number of these passages, built by previous owners in case of attack by the English in a time when hostilities still ran hot between the two nations.

Throughout his childhood he had loved discovering the secrets the old house held and as he grew older he would often use them to escape from his father when he was particularly inebriated.

‘Careful here, we’re going to go up some stairs. They spiral round and are quite narrow, but if you brace yourself against the outer wall you should manage them.’

They started to ascend, climbing up in the complete darkness. Callum counted again, reaching the top after about thirty seconds. From there it was only a few paces to the panel that slid to one side and then they would be in one of the main bedrooms.

Selina let out a sigh of relief as they ducked out of the passageway. Even though it was lighter out here with a lot more space she did not relinquish Callum’s hand and from the expression on her face he saw she was still trying to calm her nerves.

Silently he slid the panel back into place, not wanting to risk the passageway being discovered while he saw Selina to her room, then he turned to her.

‘Well done, I know many who would not have done that in complete darkness.’

‘I kept thinking there must be some light, even just a glimmer, to light the way, but there was nothing. It felt as though I had lost my sight.’

Callum squeezed her hand, wanting to give her time to recove,r but also conscious they could be discovered at any moment by a curious servant or family member if they were unlucky.

‘Let us get you back to your room,’ he whispered.

‘If you want to go…’

‘Not before I see you safely to your bedroom.’

She did not argue, still shaken by the climb through the passage, and together they crept out into the hallway. Selina’s bedroom was only a few doors away and as they stood on the threshold she turned to face him.

‘Thank you for walking me home.’

‘It was my pleasure.’

She hesitated and for a moment he wondered if she might lean forward to kiss him. All the desire he had felt earlier on the walk home surged again and he caught hold of her hand, thinking to draw her towards him.

Their eyes met and for an eternity it seemed as though they were teetering on a precipice and if either took a single step in any direction they would be swept away by an avalanche.

Then Selina took a shuddering breath and stepped back, disappearing into her room before he could say anything more.

Callum was left staring at the closed door, unable to move for a few seconds, before he remembered where he was.

Quickly he retreated, making his way back to the entrance to the passage, filled with longing and regret.