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forty-two

Knox

The past three nights, I’ve slept like absolute fucking shit.

I know Harlow and I are in this situation right now because of me, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m completely torn up over it. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her.

But that’s exactly what I did.

I hurt her so much that the only times I’ve seen her since were Friday morning when we walked around The Battery and right now as we’re grabbing coffee on Sunday.

This is another prearranged outing that Harlow said we shouldn’t cancel. That we still need to “keep up appearances.”

Fuck appearances.

I just want to go back to the way things were.

I just fucking miss her .

I don’t care about the sex. I don’t care about the goddamn fake dating arrangement.

I just want her to really talk to me again.

The closest I can get to that right now is her making small talk during our public outings. She’s not speaking to me outside of that.

I hate this so fucking much, but I have no one to blame but myself for this situation.

“So,” Harlow says, grabbing my attention. “Ready for your start tonight?”

“Not at all,” I admit. My pitching has only looked worse since Thursday’s practice. The game tonight is going to be a shitshow with me on the mound. “But I’ll get through it.”

“I’m sure you’ll do great.” She smiles at me, but it’s forced. “You always do.”

“Yeah,” I say, letting out a breath. “I guess we’ll see.”

She seems somewhat reassured by my words. Like she wants to believe that, no matter what’s going on between us, this won’t affect my performance on the field.

But the words are meaningless. I don’t believe them.

With everything running through my head, I don’t have any chance of pitching a good game tonight. My only hope is that the team bats well enough tonight to make sure that doesn’t matter.

“Have you, uh… been okay, Knox?” Harlow asks, voice wavering.

“Not really,” I admit. “This whole situation just fucking sucks.”

“Yeah,” she says so softly it’s almost a whisper.

Every thread of sanity I have left snaps with how broken she seems. How did I go from this uncaring, grumpy asshole at the beginning of this season to where I am now?

I’m sitting across from the only woman in seven years that I’ve felt a connection with, caring about how this is all affecting her.

And hating myself for being the one to make her feel this way.

I sigh. “Harlow,” I say lowly. “Do you think we’ll ever get back to what we were?”

She looks down at the coffee in front of her. “I don’t know,” she whispers. “I hope so. But I’ll need time away from you to do that, so as far as for the rest of this season, I can’t see it happening.”

“Right,” I say back, the word almost getting caught in my throat.

The only way to get us back to what we were eventually is to give her space from me. Space she can’t get when the world believes she’s dating me.

To get what I want, the only thing I can do is let her go.

“Harlow,” I mutter before she stops me.

“People are walking down the street. Pretend you’re happy to be around me.” She leans her head on her hand, elbow propped on the table, smiling softly as she tries to be convincing. I mirror what she does.

“I am happy to be around you, Harlow.”

“Oh.”

“What I wanted to say, though, is that you can’t move on from everything as long as you’re around me.” I take a deep breath. “Let’s just end this thing. I want you to be happy, and if that will get you there, I think that’s what we should do.”

“Knox,” she sighs. “I’m not trying to end this. I gave you my word, and I don’t break my word.”

“You’re miserable right now.”

“I’m not miserable,” she says. “I’m hurting, yes, but I’m not miserable. I told you I don’t hate you. I genuinely enjoy your company, and I hope once we have some time apart when the season ends, we can really be friends again.”

“We can get back to that sooner if you walk away now.”

“Do you want me to walk away?” Harlow’s lip quivers as she asks.

“ God , not at all.“ The absolute last thing I want is for her to walk away. It’s even more clear now that I lied to her when I said none of this was real because I still want her around. I always want her around. And I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do about it. “But I want to be fair to you, and I know how shitty it must feel to be around me right now.”

“And what about your Axis contract?” she asks. “That’s still on the line. That’s the whole damn reason we started this.”

“Fuck the contract.” I scrub a hand over my face. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“It does matter,” she says, reaching out to touch me before she decides against it. “We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for that. You deserve to get that contract.”

“I’m not sure I’m deserving of anything,” I admit.

“Knox, don’t let this get to you too much. I’m okay, I promise. Stop worrying about how I’m feeling and keep performing on the field. I’ll keep up my part of the deal, and you’re getting that contract.”

I gave her an out, and she’s still staying with me to do this. I can see the hurt on her face every time she sees me, yet she still shows up, determined to play the part she said she would.

I knew she’d do that. She’s strong and capable. There was no chance she wouldn’t continue our arrangement because she’s not a quitter.

So did I give Harlow an out for her sake… or mine?

Coffee with Harlow could have been better.

Could’ve been worse, too, but still could’ve been better.

I hate that talking to her in public is all I can get right now, but I’m grateful to get something . As difficult as this is, I’m thankful I still have her in my life.

Skip has us do our usual warmup routine around two before our Sunday night game. I might feel stretched and loose right now, but I don’t know how that will actually translate into the game tonight. I’m hoping for a better outing than I’ve been anticipating.

I’m walking through the hall on my way back to the clubhouse to relax before we need to get ready for the game. But I find Simon leaning against the wall, waiting for me.

“Simon,” I say as I walk up to him, a little less than gracious at the unexpected visit.

“I see we’re back to grumpy,” Simon says.

Pinching my brow, I say, “The last few days have been shit. Excuse me for not rolling out the red carpet for you.”

“Everything is going well. The media is still thrilled about all the pictures of you and Harlow together, which means Axis is very happy. That contract is all but a done deal at this point.”

“Fuck the contract,” I snap. “I don’t know if it’s worth my goddamn sanity.”

Simon crosses his arms. “What’s going on? When you emailed me last week, you said everything was still going very well.”

“It was until a few days ago. Now things have all but fallen apart.”

“You were just photographed getting coffee together this morning.”

“We’re still going through with what we agreed upon. But it’s all so fake now.”

Simon eyes me suspiciously. “It was always fake, Knox. This whole arrangement is fake.”

“Yeah,” I say with a derisive laugh. “Then you picked somebody who actually makes me happy. I haven’t been faking that. All the smiles, the laughs you see in the tabloids? That’s all real, Simon.”

“That’s great, then. Maybe my client will stop being so difficult to work with.”

I roll my eyes. “It’s not fucking great. Hence the past few days being utter shit.” I lower my voice now. “I wasn’t supposed to start actually feeling something for her.”

“Jesus Christ,” Simon mutters, rubbing a hand over his forehead. “Look, I don’t care what you do with your personal life as long as it doesn’t impact your career. So we need to get this situated as soon as possible. Why is this an issue for you?”

“You, of all people, should know that. The entire situation with Emily was traumatic. Now, the first time I let myself get close to someone since that happened, the same feelings came. Harlow has barely spoken to me in days now because all the hurt that’s bubbling up is making me pull away.”

“So stop pulling away then,” he says dismissively, like it’s easy.

“Ah, thank you,” I say sarcastically. “Hadn’t thought of that.”

“Look, Knox. There’s nothing I can really tell you other than get your shit together and get that damn contract. If you start slipping now, everything you’ve been working toward disappears.”

“Great pep talk, Helbin.”

“I don’t do pep. I do blunt. So, to put it bluntly: get your head out of your ass and figure out your damn problem. Postseason starts in two and a half months, and you need to keep up the image you’ve created this season.”

With that, Simon adjusts his perfectly tailored suit jacket. He walks down the hall, leaving me with the reminder that, at the end of it all, this is just a business transaction to him.

Harlow and I both have our hearts on the line, and it’s up to us to protect them.