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thirty-nine

Knox

Harlow is naked and cuddled up against me, hand splayed across my bare chest as she’s nuzzled into my side with my arm around her. It’s been just over a week since I came back from the All-Star Game.

Just over a week since I so desperately needed to see her that I went to her place in the middle of the goddamn night.

Just over a week since I broke my own rule—I had sex with Harlow at her place, not mine. I haven’t trusted anyone enough to do that in seven years.

So, how fake is this anymore?

When was the last time it even felt fake?

I honestly can’t remember.

She quickly worked her way into my life, and she’s already become such an integral part of it. We’ve been faking this relationship for three and a half months now, and I don’t want to ever go a single day without her.

It’s been seven years since I felt like this, and that’s causing all the memories I’ve repressed in that time to resurface.

I know Harlow isn’t Emily, but that doesn’t make this easier. I didn’t think Emily would be Emily either.

All this getting closer is bringing up the hurt from the past. I’m so out of my fucking element right now. I’ve been able to stay strong for seven years.

But then Harlow came along, and she tore out any remaining thread of sanity I had left.

I’m internally panicking. I know we’ll have to talk about this, but I’m not prepared to have that conversation because if it were to happen right now, I have no clue what I’d say or if either of us would be happy when it’s over.

“You okay, Knox?” she asks, looking at me with concern.

I give her a soft smile. “I’m okay, Lo. No need to worry.”

“What time do you need to leave for practice today?”

I check my phone. “About five minutes ago.”

“Paul’s going to be pissed if you’re late, Slick,” she says with a playful smile. “You better get your ass going.”

“I know,” I sigh. “But I’m pretty damn comfortable right here.”

“And you’ll see me again after practice.”

“Fine,” I grumble, finally sitting up and stepping out of the bed. “Why don’t you stay here while I’m gone?” I say as I walk into my closet, coming out with a white tee and black shorts. “Practice ends at two today, so I can bring a late lunch back with me.”

“Okay.” Harlow smiles brightly. “I brought my laptop last night, so I’ll just work on the blog while you’re gone.”

“Perfect.” I slip into my boxers and clothing before coming to meet her again. I tilt her chin up and press my lips to hers, setting off a storm in my heart. “I’ll see you when I get back, Freckles.”

Since I know my weakness—Harlow—I turn around immediately and head toward the door. If I linger any longer, I’ll miss practice and make sure we don’t even leave my bed. I have to move along so Skip doesn’t chew me out and I don’t let the team down.

Her gravity is just too damn strong, and it’s so hard to find it in myself to even want to escape.

Practice is brutal today. I can’t pitch a strike to save my damn life, and our pitching coach, Joe Pemberly, is on me the entire time.

He makes sure I stay late to practice more with Scholl so I can try to be ready for my next start in a few days. And that is just as bad.

My mind is so clouded with how I feel around Harlow that I can’t focus on anything else. That’s why I ask Lane to wait for me. If I don’t talk to someone soon, I’m going to lose my fucking mind.

When I find Lane in the clubhouse, he demands I shower before we talk because, according to him, I “smell like ass.”

Now towel-dried and back into the clothing I came in, I sit next to Lane on the sofa. “Thanks for staying, man,” I say. “I know Rory needs to stay longer with Sage because of this.”

“Rory, my daughter’s favorite person in the entire world?” Lane laughs. “I don’t think either of them are suffering right now.” His face turns more serious now. “What’s going on with you, Spence?”

I rest my head back against the sofa. “I’m so fucking confused.”

“About Harlow?”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “It feels like everything is changing, and it’s scaring the hell out of me.”

“Are you going to finally admit you’ve got feelings for her?”

I take a deep breath and let it out. “I know I do,” I say softly. “But that’s exactly the problem. None of that was supposed to happen. This isn’t real. None of it was supposed to become real. I don’t know if I can handle that right now.”

Lane turns to face me, raising his brow. “Why is that a bad thing? You have a great time with Harlow, and I’ve never seen you happier than this. Why is this a problem?”

“Because…” I groan. I don’t want to open up and be honest with someone else, but I don’t think I have much of a choice. If I want to figure out what the hell to do about her, I’ve got to talk. “Because the last time I fell for somebody, it ended badly. I don’t want to go through anything like that again.”

“What happened that was so traumatic, Knox? You’re not overly emotional, so it must’ve been pretty bad if it’s still affecting you.”

So, I open up.

I tell Lane everything that happened with Emily. I tell him about being drafted, the videos, the lawyers, and Simon. I tell him I wouldn’t even have a career right now if it weren’t for Simon. And I tell him how everything that happened left me gutted.

“Fuck, man.” Lane rubs a hand over his face. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”

“There isn’t much to say. But it’s the kind of thing that stays with you. That makes you distrust people, even the ones you know you can trust.”

“Like Harlow.”

“Exactly like Harlow. I really trust her; I do. I told her about everything with Emily a couple of months ago, and she’s been nothing but supportive and understanding. I know she has a heart of gold.”

“So, I’m still not really seeing your problem with Lo. You’re happy; you trust her. That seems like a good thing.”

I sigh. “That’s all good, sure. But everything I’m feeling right now, everything I feel for Harlow… that’s how I felt for Emily. I trusted Emily, too, and she betrayed me in the worst fucking way. In my head, I know Harlow would never do that. But I can’t seem to get my heart on board.”

“Man, Mushy Knox isn’t something I had on my bingo card for this year,” Lane laughs.

“Dick,” I say, smacking him lightly with my hat. “You’re supposed to be helping me.”

“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to help with when you already know the damn answer.” I eye him curiously, and he sighs. “Stop being afraid of getting hurt like that again. That’s not Harlow, and it never will be. She’d never betray you like that.”

“It’s not that easy,” I sigh, head in my hands.

“Look,” Lane says, putting a hand on my shoulder. “I know we’ve all joked about this and teased you both through the season. But you also know that we’re here to support you at the end of it all. Both of you. Knox, you’re actually fucking happy. And she’s happier than she was before she met Derek. That’s not nothing, and I think it’s something worth exploring.”

“Maybe,” I say uneasily. “I just hope I don’t fuck this up before we even get to that point.”

“I was wondering if you were coming back,” Harlow jokes as I walk into the penthouse, a bag of Thai food in hand.

“Sorry,” I say as I set the bag on the kitchen island. She joins me here and slides on top of one of the barstools. “I had to practice a little extra today.”

I decide not to mention my talk with Lane.

“Why did you have to practice extra?” she asks, taking the food containers out of the bag and setting them on the counter in front of her.

I grab us both a bottle of water from the fridge before I sit next to her on the adjacent barstool. “Because I pitched like shit today.”

“Why?” she asks, wrinkling her brow and opening up her pad see ew. “You never pitch like shit.”

“Not sure,” I reply. “Happens, though.”

“Are we back to short answers now, Spencer?” she asks, smiling, but I can tell she’s nervous. “I thought we’d gotten past all of that.”

“Sorry,” I sigh. “Just been a long day, I guess.” I place my hand on top of hers, and instead of providing comfort, it just gives me more unease. That talk with Lane doesn’t seem to have helped a goddamn bit. If anything, it just made this more complicated.

“Okay. Well, we don’t need to talk unless you want to. We can just eat.”

I want to tell her that I don’t want silence.

I want to talk.

I want to hear her voice because it’s become my favorite sound.

But I don’t say a word.

Instead, we eat to the sound of our forks hitting off Styrofoam containers and Harlow nervously tapping her feet against the island.

When we finish eating, Harlow jumps up to sit on the counter in front of me. “Okay, I can’t take the silence anymore. What’s going on, Knox? This morning, you didn’t want to leave me and asked me to wait here for you while you were gone. But since you came back, you’ve barely even spoken to me. Is everything okay?”

She softly presses her hand against my chest in concern. “Honestly, Lo…” I take a deep breath. “I have no fucking idea.”

“This has to do with us, doesn’t it?” she asks, voice breaking.

“Yeah,” I say, unable to meet her eyes.

“Because things feel different…”

“Things shouldn’t feel different, though, Lo. This is a fake relationship.”

In the silence that follows, I hear what I can only imagine are the pieces of Harlow’s heart shattering to the floor.

“Fake,” she manages with a derisive tone, tears welling in her eyes. “What about this feels fake, Knox? Does this honestly feel fucking fake to you?”

No! I want to scream. No, this all feels real, and it scares the fuck out of me, Harlow. I know I can trust you, but I don’t know if I can give you my heart.

But what I actually say is, “Yes,” my voice so weak it’s almost a whisper.

“Bull fucking shit.” She slides off the counter now, tears actually streaming down her face. “You’ve been fucking me for a month, and you still have the audacity to lie and say it feels fake to you?”

“I’m not lying.” I slide off my stool and turn to face her. “We both know this isn’t real. None of this was meant to be real, Lo.”

“Harlow.”

Now, I feel my own heart shattering. In less than five minutes, I’ve done enough damage to have the right to call her Lo taken away. The right to call her a friend .

“We just got too caught up in this, Harlow. We’re both playing parts, and we’re playing them well.” I reach out an arm to comfort her, but she shrugs me off.

“Don’t touch me.”

“I’m sorry, Harlow.” My own voice is breaking, barely even audible.

“I’m sure you are, Knox. I’m sure you are.” She wipes the tears from her eyes. “In all honesty, this is on me. We set the expectations for this at the beginning.” Her words come out more choked now. “You never asked me to fall for you.”

The words all but rip the shattered pieces of my heart right out of my chest.

Harlow… fell for me?

I sure as hell don’t deserve that.

She takes a deep breath and musters some composure. “Fake. That’s what this will continue to be. We agreed at the beginning that I’d be playing the part -“ Her words come out like venom. “-of the doting girlfriend, so I’ll keep doing that. We said we would take a walk around The Battery tomorrow morning, and that’s exactly what we’ll do. I’ll meet you here at nine. In the meantime, I’m going to go. There’s no reason for me to be here right now.”

She turns on her heel and stalks out the door, sniffling as she goes.

And I know I just let the one true chance I had at finding real, unconditional happiness just walk out the door.