Page 31 of Not His Usual Style (Diamonds of London #10)

Mountjoy House

Berkley Square

Mayfair, London

The urge to cast up his accounts rocked Grey’s form as he walked into his drawing room.

The nuptial ceremony was set to begin in twenty minutes.

Already, guests were coming in. The space had been cleared of its usual furniture, and in its place were two rows of seven chairs each, featuring gilt legs and blue brocade cushions.

This would be a private ceremony, so not many people had been invited.

As he roved his gaze about the room, it briefly landed on Viscount Lorrington, his wife’s lover.

Acknowledging him with the faintest lift of the chin, his gaze next landed on his soon-to-be mother-in-law, the Marchioness of Beckworth.

An attractive woman and much what he imagined Sarah would resemble in thirty years’ time, he offered her a small grin, but she merely nodded.

I guess I know where I’ll stand in the family.

Letting his thoughts have free reign, with every step, it hurt to breathe and the ache around his heart throbbed.

He couldn’t acknowledge the guests coming in, couldn’t bear to think of what would happen far too soon, couldn’t contemplate having to attend the dinner that would directly follow the ceremony.

Instead, he moved to one of the windows, clasped his gloved hands behind his back, and peered down into the Mayfair street below.

Why the hell am I doing this?

Right now, in that moment, everything was pointless.

It took all his control over his emotions not to break down in front of everyone, for he knew it was too late to do anything about his circumstances.

Today, he would marry his best friend. Unfortunately, she wasn’t the woman that lit his blood on fire or made his soul soar, but hell, she’d done a wonderful job in decorating the space.

Slowly, he turned from the window to glance about the room.

It was done up lavishly with autumn flowers and sprays of leaves, candles, tulle and ribbons.

They hung over the doorways, above the windows, on the sills.

There were vases of the blooms resting on a few of the tables that remained.

Two small urns reposed on the fireplace mantel.

What had it cost Sarah to do all this while her heart was being torn apart?

God, I don’t deserve her or Victoria, for different reasons. They were both right to call me a coward.

Now he understood her pain. Now he understood her feelings of being trapped.

Now he knew exactly how hopeless she was.

All because he was an arse to go through with this, yet how could he not, when it was the last promise, the last words he’d said to his father, and then his father had said he was proud of him?

When the double doors opened, and Sarah stood briefly in the frame, his heart didn’t soar. In fact, it hurt like the devil. Hell, it was already broken, and he didn’t have the strength to summon false emotions, not even for her sake. But to give credit where it was due, she was stunning today.

Clad in an ethereal gown of ivory and gold with the long, sheer veil she’d told him about, she was the very image of a forest elf escaped into the human world.

A modest tiara sparkling with small emeralds and diamonds set in gold sparkled in her dark hair—the stones matched the engagement ring he’d given her a seeming lifetime ago—and in her hand, she carried a small bouquet of white lilies and yellow roses.

Clearly, nothing in the flowers represented passion or love, only friendship.

If it was a symbol for him, he understood.

When she looked through the veil and met his gaze, the grief in her expression echoed what he felt, but when her father, who escorted her into the room, patted her hand, she turned her head and gave him a smile that was watery at best.

Murmurs of appreciation went through the guests, and he died a little more inside.

Too late, too late, too late!

The marquess, who was quite a tall, well-built, barrel-chested man, escorted Sarah to where Grey stood near the windows.

He cleared his throat and rested a narrow gaze on him.

“I’m trusting that you will make my daughter happy, that you will keep her in the style to which she’s been accustomed, and that you will remember her dowry and gifts have already been used by your father. ”

“I am well aware of that, Beckworth,” he said around clenched teeth.

“Papa, stop. This is already a difficult day,” Sarah whispered to her parent. “Go sit with Mama. I would like to speak with Greystone alone before the ceremony begins.”

“Very well.” The marquess bussed her cheek then left her standing before him.

As of yet, the minister hadn’t made an appearance, so Grey took Sarah’s free hand in his. “I’m sorry that this day can’t be an occasion of joy as it should be.”

“I can see that.” She peered up into his face and searched his gaze with hers. “I can also see that you are as miserable as I am. I’m sorry for that most of all. You are far too lovely a man to think getting married to me is the same as having a noose put ‘round your neck.”

“That paints me in a rather horrid light.” But he brought her hand up to his lips and kissed the glove-covered back.

“Now I know what you’ve been feeling all along.

” Then he put his free hand to his chest over his heart, which had shattered beyond all repair.

“I suppose we’ll both be miserable together, so there’s that to give us a further bond. ”

Though she attempted a smile, it was a watery affair at best. “Perhaps.” A stifled cry escaped her. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you, Grey.”

“I know.” A wave of pain went through his chest that had nothing to do with the circumstances.

Knowing he’d angered his best friend so thoroughly that she held ire for him, made him feel like a failure as well as a cad.

“Again, I apologize. Ours will be a union in name only. It has to be, for I won’t bed you; can’t, not anymore.

” He paused, merely to struggle with the emotions that sat far too close to the surface, ready to be let loose at any time.

“I’ll give Phillip’s babe my name. It’s the least I can do for you.

It will want for nothing. You can raise it as you see fit, live at the country estate with the babe as well as Phillip, I care not.

” In this moment, he wanted to walk into the Serpentine and not stop until the water entered his lungs and he could no longer draw breath.

For then the relentless hurt and desolation would stop.

“There is nothing left for me anyway in this life.”

“On paper, that is a lovely sentiment, but in my heart? It’s a slap to the face.” Still, she held onto his hand, and he appreciated the physical support, for he would break soon. “Oh, Grey. You are well and truly tip over tail for Miss Amherst, aren’t you?” she asked in a barely audible whisper.

“Yes.” The word was yanked from a tight throat, and there was no embarrassment. There were only facts, and he had come by them far too late. “But she’s gone, left to go to France on a visit of some importance, and I’m bereft.” Quite frankly, he would never be the same.

Not that he wanted to. Since knowing her, he’d changed in tiny ways but hadn’t had the opportunity to explore what they would mean.

And now, it didn’t matter.

“I’m sorry.” Sarah laid a hand on his arm. “Life is sometimes unfair. I expect there will be more of that in our future.” Tears sparkled in her eyes.

“It is.”

“You won’t even consider taking Miss Amherst as your mistress? At least then the two of you could still be together…”

“Ha. She is far too lovely for that, and I couldn’t bear only having her for part of my life. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to you, even if you have Phillip.”

“Yet our marriage will be empty.”

“I can’t talk about this, Sarah. It’s too painful.” He patted her hand, and hoped to God she would learn how to forgive him. “Will you continue being my friend? I couldn’t bear it if you left me completely as well.”

“Of course.” She wiped at the tears on her cheeks. “I’ll make sure you don’t do anything stupid or harmful to yourself, just as I was there for you during the war.”

“Ah.” Never had he asked her to do that, she’d merely taken it upon herself.

If possible, his chest drew tighter, squeezing him, choking the life from him.

It hurt to draw breath. “Thank you.” Responsibility and his own personal beliefs were crushing him.

“God, Sarah, why can’t I just throw everything to the winds and do something not expected of me? ”

Her smile was rueful at best. “Years of ingrained expectation, no doubt.”

“And your father will sue me for breach of contract.”

A tiny chuckle left her throat. “He probably will, but I might be able to talk him ‘round. I’ve already started that, and I think he’s beginning to thaw.” She shrugged. “Once he discovers a grandchild is on the way, I’ll wager he’ll be more open to negotiations.”

“Unless he’s not pleased with the scandal, and we’re out of time, besides.”

“There is that.” Her expression crumpled back into devastation.

Hot panic welled in his chest. I’ve ruined everything. “Run, Sarah. Leave me. Go now before everything starts. Take the wedding trip with Phillip.” He nodded in encouragement. “I’m strong enough to withstand the scandal.”

He hoped.

“Oh, Grey.” Once more, she gave her head a shake as the murmur of guest voices grew in intensity.

“I can’t do that, and you know it. Especially not for this child’s sake,” she added in a barely audible whisper.

“At least we have company in martyrdom.” She was near tears again, and he couldn’t bear that it was because of him.

Grey squeezed her fingers in sympathy. “You are making a huge sacrifice for me? Why?”