Page 9 of No Right To Love You (Winter of Love #6)

January

I knock on Jasmine’s door and wait for her to let me in.

“Come in.” she says, and I know my sweet girl is just upset with me, but she doesn’t know what to do with all the emotions and feelings she’s experiencing especially around getting her period.

When I open her door, I see her as she sits on her window seat and looks out as she wears her yoga pants and big sweater that she got from her father’s closet.

Walking over, I sit on her bed and sigh.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I’m sorry that I wasn't here for your special moment. I should've been. Do you want to talk about it?”

Jasmine holds on tight to her stuffy and continues to look outside but I see the tears in her eyes. She must’ve been so terrified.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” she says in a small voice.

“Okay, we don’t have to. Just let me sit here with you. Can I do that?”

“If you want, it’s your house.” Jasmine shrugs.

“It’s your house too. No one can tell you that you don’t have any right to state that you want to be left alone in your room.”

Jasmine huffs louder and I know that she wants me to say something to her. To talk to her so that she can feel like I'm here for her. So, she knows that I would never let her down.

“First, let me just say that I love you with all my heart, Jaz. I love you more than you even realize it.”

At those words, Jasmine faces me.

“You love me?” she asks.

Those words sting my heart and immediately try not to cry.

“I love you, Jasmine. You are my world. The first daughter I've ever had and the only one to make me realize that I can set an example for you. I can show you that working and being at home are two things you can do. You can do them both or you can decide to just do one. I’m sorry that I missed your game and that I wasn't there when you needed me most. I want you to know something," I stand and move over to sit where she’s sitting.

I take her hand in mine and wait until she looks my way.

“You, my love are the best things to ever happen to me. I was and am still proud of everything that you do. You are an amazing daughter, sister, and person. I know that it wasn’t easy to go to dad when you got your period, but you did and I'm sure he sat with you until you felt safe enough to be alone. It is an amazing journey, one that comes with a side of pain that we don’t want.

I know that we, as women or young women, hate what comes with having our menstrual cycle but I want you to remember it's part of you. No one can take this experience from you. The same way your brother has to confide in his dad, and you get to confide in your mom. I will never take away your experience or minimize it, but I am glad that you had another bonding moment with your father. He must’ve felt special that he shared that with you. ”

“Yeah, but I wanted to share it with you, mom. You’re my mother.” Jasmine tears up and I immediately pull her into a hug that I know she needs. I situate myself unto the window seat and sit back as I hold her like I used to when she was much smaller.

“My sweet princess Jasmine. I love you and I promise you that we can still share this moment. I have done you so wrong by not giving you my availability and I promise I'll fix it. I don’t want you to ever think that I won't be there for you because I will.”

Jasmine cries some more in my arms and she just lets me rock her.

It doesn’t matter how long we’re going to be here, but I am just glad that we are.

My daughter, just like my other children, needs to know that I would never choose something over them.

They are my pride and joy and a lot of what I do for them is because of this.

Our moments, our talks and even the little walks we used to take.

I miss this. I miss my family.

“I miss you every time you’re gone, mom,'' Jasmine confesses as she hugs me tighter.

“I miss you too, baby. So much.”

I have to fix things and make it alright. I just have to.