Page 11 of No Right To Love You (Winter of Love #6)

Ocean

My eyes watch my mother for any signs of distress, but she seems genuinely happy.

She sips her coffee while she waits for me to start up a conversation.

My mom and I used to be close. We used to talk but then things shifted as I got older.

She was never my focus of being angry or anything but at times, she let me talk or cry it out.

She and I had a special type of relationship. She was my rock, and I was hers too.

“How have you been?” mom asks, and I look her over. Her sweet face is still just as sweet, and her black hair is now all gray.

“I’ve been good, mom. How about you? Are you okay?”

“I’m good, my sweet boy. Yes, I'm okay.”

“Is he good to you? Please, don’t lie to me.”

“He is. He’s really changed, Ocean. He’s not like how you remember him. He’s been sober for 5 years now.”

“Are you sure of that?”

“Yes. I've met his sponsor. He says that he helps other people out too. He talks at these programs for the younger kids, please believe me when I say I saw the old him. The one that I fell in love with before… you know.”

I sit quietly because there’s nothing, I could say that would change my mother’s mind. She’s always loved my dad and that was her downfall. There wasn’t much that could be done about it, but I trusted her before. Maybe I can trust her again.

“How are the kids and January?” She asks before I get too lost in my thoughts.

I’m glad she stopped it because my mind began drifting back to those days.

The ones where he just made me angry. Where he would berate me with not getting first place in my science fair projects although I was only in the third grade.

I couldn’t see myself being disappointed in any of my kids.

Hell, if Jeremy told me that he no longer wanted to be part of the decathlon, I just couldn’t see myself telling him he had to do it.

Hell, I sat with Jasmine and watched a bunch of YouTube videos about how to do a wash day. January did that for both Jasmine and Zoe because she wanted to have that bonding moment with her girls just as much as she did with her first son.

Both Jasmine and I fought through the tears of figuring it all out.

I couldn't see myself being mean to Zoe when she lost her weird pet frog, Mo. When she cried dearly while we buried him and gave Mo a funeral in the backyard. To be like that is not something I could be and to see my mother say that he was never like that in the first place, is hard for me. I didn’t know that side of him much even though if I stared hard at a picture, I could see the love he had for me.

Alcohol made him the man that I never want to become.

“Sweetheart?” Mom calls for my attention and I look at her. “You alright?”

“Yeah, just thinking about things. That always happens when I’m around here.” I confess.

“When was the last time you came around here?”

“I always drive around to just see how the house is doing and if you’re keeping up with your grass.” I tease her.

My mom smiles and she reminds me of where I got my smile from.

“My grass is fine, Ocean. Remember it’s because of me you love nature so much.”

I playfully scoff.

“Whatever, Nani.” I call her by her first name and she rolls her eyes.

“I love you; Ocean and I miss you. I miss Janny and the kids. I want to see them.”

“Mom…” I warn her. Not because I’m mad or anything but because I don’t know if I could say no to her anymore.

I want to tell her that it’s not her, it’s more of me.

I don’t trust my father not to hurt my children’s feelings.

I don’t want them to grow up ever doubting themselves like I did.

I don’t want them to see how angry I used to be.

“I know, I know…” she reaches over, patting my hand while we sit on her bench.

When I was younger, we’d sit here and swing while she told me about her home.

Our home, Hawai’i. “Just know that I’m not mad at your decision.

What you decided to do was best for your children and I respect that. I respect you, sweetheart.”

“Thank you, but …” I wait for her to say something else.

“I have nothing else to say. Look, I know that we’ve been through some things and I after everything, I just want my son back. You’re my baby boy.”

“How am I supposed to believe that ma?”

Before my mother can say what, she had to say, the door opens and out steps my dad.

“Ocean? Son?”

“No.” I stand and place my cup down. “I’m leaving.”

“Wait, no, no, Ocean, I’ll tell him to go back inside. Don’t leave, baby.”

“Son, wait…”

“Ma, no, what am I supposed to say? I told you I didn’t want to see him and if I did, I would leave right?”

“Yes, yes you did.” My mom stands and softly holds my hand. “Please, wait, I’ll tell him to go back inside. He won’t come back out.” She begs me and I don’t like that she’s begging me.

“No, mother, you shouldn’t be begging me like this.

To talk to me. This is why I didn’t want to come around because it would be like this.

I don’t need you begging for your son to stay and see you.

Just because of him!” I grit through my teeth.

“No.” I say taking a step back because my anger is rising again and I’m losing control.

I don’t like that... “No.” I shake my head.

“Wait, Ocean, no, don’t leave. Let’s figure something out where I can see you without dad. I promise he won’t be there.” she says, and I can see the sadness in her eyes.

“I won’t be there, son. Just see your mother.” my father says.

“Do not talk to me.” I address my father. “You do not do that.” I point to my dad. “There’s nothing that you have to say that I have to listen to right now. My time to listen to you was when you were busy making me feel low.”

“Listen, son, I’m sorry. Just listen to me.

I mean it when I say I’m sorry. I’m not going to force you to talk to me or anything like that.

I just want you to know that I’m not that man anymore.

Things are different now. Your mother forgave me, and I worked hard for her to know that.

I can show you too. Just give me a chance.

I want to be a good father now or even, even.

..” he stumbles to get his words out. “I can be a good grandfather and father-in-law.”

“You will not be around my kids. Ever!” I step up to him and mom comes in between us.

“Ocean, son, please. Don’t.”

“Ma, I need to go.”

“Son, please. Just give me a chance.”

“I said no, and you will not push me to change my mind, do we understand each other?” I ask him. “Do we!” I get louder.

“Fine, Ocean, fine!” Dad yells back. “I just wanted to get to know you and January again.”

“Don’t ever speak her name again. You do not deserve to speak to or of her. I still haven’t forgotten what you did on our wedding night. I will never forget.”

Dad lifts his hands in surrender, and I shake my head disappointed that I got this mad. He should never get me this mad.

“Ma, I’ll call you.” I give my mom a kiss on the temple and walk away, not bothering to say anything else.