Page 56

Alex

T he circles under my mother’s eyes are barely noticeable today, and there’s a soft smile where an empty curve of her lips used to be. “You look good,” I compliment, sitting down on the couch across from her. “Real good, Ma.”

I see a tiny light in her eyes that hasn’t been there in some time. “I took a walk today to get fresh air with Evie and then I finished a crossword puzzle. Pam even helped me with it.”

I don’t know who Evie is, but I can’t help but return her smile.

And her getting along with Pam is a step in a positive direction.

“It sounds like you’ve had a good day so far.

Did you want me to get you more crosswords?

I found one that’s challenging. I’ve been working on it before bed, and it’s stumping me. ”

“What about Olive? It’s not nice to ignore your girlfriend when you’re spending time together,” she chides lightly.

Normally, that label would terrify me. But I like hearing it. And I like more that my mother is the one addressing her as mine.

“She went home yesterday.” We spent the day together watching movies and talking about what life after she leaves will look like.

She’ll come to my first home game, and I’ll come to Lindon during my first bye week.

It won’t be easy, but I told her it’ll be worth it.

Because she’s worth it. “Classes start tomorrow for her, so she had to go back to Lindon.”

She frowns. “When is she coming back to see you? Long distance relationships rarely last. I read statistics on it. It’s even worse for pro athletes who date people early in their career.”

I blink at her pessimism. “Gee. Thanks,” I mumble. It isn’t like she’s an expert on relationships. She dated one person before Dad and nobody after him. “She’s coming to our home game in a couple weeks.”

She makes another thoughtful noise. “Is she going to come see me? I’d love to talk to her.”

See her? Here ? “Logan’s isn’t really a good place for her to be.”

My mother frowns. “But it is for me? This isn’t a prison, Alex.”

That’s ironic considering she’s referred to it as that for months.

“You know it’s a good place for you. Temporarily .

I talked to Pam, and she said you’re reacting well to the new medication.

If that continues, we can plan on getting you out of here as long as there aren’t any more episodes.

Then you’ll have time to spend with me and Olive in the future and get to know her better. ”

The way her eyes scan my face makes me wonder what she’s thinking. Why am I nervous? I’ve never latched on to anybody’s opinions of me that deeply before. “You see a future with her, then?”

Rubbing my palms down my legs, I dip my head. “Yeah. I guess I do.”

“You guess,” she repeats. “Don’t be like your father, Alexander. You’re either in or you’re out. There isn’t an in-between when it comes to love.”

Her talking about Dad without sounding bitter still seems so foreign to me. “I know that.”

“Then remember it. Because there is no guessing in love. You listen to your heart, and you follow it. Understand?”

The woman in front of me sounds so normal, like we’re not sitting in a mental institution. Like she hasn’t fought me or her nurses or the security staff. Seeing her clear-headed is a rarity, so I know how important it is to soak it in while it lasts. “I understand.”

She nods once. “Good.”

There’s a knock on the door followed by a middle-aged man sticking his head in.

“You must be Alex,” he greets, walking inside and shutting the door behind him.

He holds his hand out to me when he stops by the couch.

“I’m Dr. Rafner, one of the psychologists here.

I was happy to hear that you’d be joining us on today’s session. ”

Although therapy has never been high on my priority list, I know it’s important for my mother’s medical journey. Shaking his head firmly, I drop it down and watch as he sits across from us. “Pam told me it would be a good idea. I want to encourage whatever works for my mother’s health.”

My mother smiles. “If I’d known the counselor looked like Dr. Rafner, I would have agreed to come sooner.”

I internally wince. “Really, Ma?”

She laughs. “What? You know how much I loved watching Grey’s Anatomy . It’s like I’ve got my own McDreamy right in front of me. You can’t tell me he doesn’t strike a similar resemblance.”

Rafner looks almost identical to the neurosurgeon right down to the salt and pepper hair. “We’re here to talk to the guy, not flirt with him.”

Rafner chuckles. “He’s right, Colleen. And since he’s joining us today, I thought it might be a good idea to catch him up on where we left off. Do you want to fill him in on our last session and what we spoke about?”

My mother has flirty eyes as she looks at her doctor. It’s creepy. And oddly endearing. Mostly because I’ve never seen her interested in much of anything. Peeling her focus away from him, she turns her body to me. “We talked about what led me to coming to Logan’s.”

“More specifically,” Rafner presses gently.

Mom hesitates, fidgeting with her hands on her lap. “The episode that I had shortly before you brought me here.”

My heart momentarily stops. We’ve never talked about that before. I’ve been too afraid to because she’s never been in the right state of mind. All I knew when I found her that day in the corner of her bedroom was that something had to be done.

Mom scoots closer to me. “Alex, I didn’t know what I was doing that day. I never took my diagnosis seriously until Pam and her team here got me to understand how damaging it could be. Not only to me, but to you. And I’ve never wanted to hurt you or cause any type of grief. Knowing that I have…”

It’s hard to swallow as my gaze drops down to her arms where the scars are. “I thought I was going to lose you that day. I thought I had .”

God. There’d been so much blood. I knew something was wrong when I saw the droplets on the floor by the door that led from the kitchen to her room. The door was locked, and it’d been so quiet. So fucking quiet.

I had no idea what I was going to find when I body slammed it open, damaging the frame. When I saw Mom curled up on the floor in the corner and holding her arm, the beige carpet under her was red.

It was hard to get that image out of my head. It was even harder for me to get her words out of my head. “I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep doing this, Alex. I can’t keep doing this anymore.”

I’d seen my mother in a lot of states, most of them low.

When she was initially diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I’d done plenty of research to figure out what it’d meant.

I knew she battled depression, but I never truly understood how low her mood could go.

I’d fight with her about getting up, about eating, about doing anything.

But I never, never , knew she’d mentally given up.

“I’m so sorry I put you through that, baby boy,” Mom whispers, touching my hand. “I barely remember what happened. I don’t remember getting the knife or…”

She must feel my hand stiffen under her palm. “All I remember is you telling me that it would be okay. That you would get me help. Then the paramedics came and took me away. I begged them to let me go home, but they wouldn’t.”

The local hospital in Lindon put her on a psych hold. Suicide watch, they called it. Because the second the ER nurses saw the cut on her arm, they knew it was serious.

That was days before I was supposed to make my choice about who to play for. I’d always wanted to help her, to get her the best treatment and medicines. Therapy. Anything to make her happy. I had plenty of options to pick from.

But that day, when the doctors told me that her disorder had progressed and made her a danger to herself and others, I knew what I had to do. And that was to sign with the team who offered me the most money to give her what she needed before I lost her for good.

“You always wanted to play for the Bruins,” Mom keeps going. “You and your father dreamed of that for years. And I feel like I’m responsible for taking that from you.”

When her voice breaks, it’s hard not to let it hit me like cement. “Mom, no. Come on.”

“No” she cuts me off. “No. I won’t let you convince me otherwise.

I remember the three of us talking about the day we’d go to your games in Boston.

It was all you wanted. And when I got sick, and your father left, I know those dreams shifted.

But you always watched the Bruins; talked about what it would be like to play with Zdeno Chára.

I know for a fact they scouted you. I know they were an option when you graduated from Lindon. ”

I close my eyes and feel her fingers curl around mine. When I found out that the Bruins were interested in me, I’d wanted nothing more than to say yes. For me. For Dad. Since I was kid, it was all I wanted.

But that’s the thing. When it came down to making a decision, I had to accept that I wasn’t a kid anymore. The dreams I had when I was eight or thirteen or even eighteen weren’t the same as when I turned twenty-two.

So, I turned down Boston.

I turned down one of the few things I wanted.

And I did it for the woman beside me.

“Alexander,” Mom says quietly. “It kills me to know that I’m the reason you’ve sacrificed so much. I hate knowing that I’m the one who’s held you back. Who made you grow up too quickly.”

Cracking my eyes open, I force them to meet hers. The same color stares back at me, except her gaze is glossy with fresh tears. “You didn’t hold me back, Ma. I play hockey. I signed with the NHL. Dad would still be proud.”

She lets out a shaky breath as her hold tightens on me. “He would. He would be so, so proud of you. I know I am.”

Dr. Rafner clears his throat. “Alex, your mother and I have discussed what life could look like outside of Logan’s. Her treatment plan doesn’t end for another few months, but if she’s cleared by her team, then there’s a real possibility she can leave.”