Page 59 of Mr. Green (Mr. #2)

Lana

I walk out to the living area where Queenie slept. She’s still staring at the front door, waiting for Grant to come back. She misses his presence as much as I do. I need coffee to help wake me up since I hardly slept. Being alone in a big bed isn’t comforting.

I know I should consider not meeting with Ryan, but it’s something I need to do. I’ve been so confused about what happened between us. How could someone that loved me just leave like that? I need to know what happened.

I start my morning with a bath. Water always helps me to get grounded.

Once the tub is filled and large amounts of lavender have been added, I think a meditation would be helpful.

I click on a guided meditation about letting go.

After seeing Ryan last night and feeling nothing, I know I need to do this. For myself.

The voice is a soothing female who guides me.

I want you to imagine the thing you are holding onto.

Take a deep breath,

and imagine letting it go, through your mouth.

You are releasing it from your body.

Envision it leaving.

I do. I see my ex, and the empty apartment we lived in.

Me hoping for him to come back. I let it go.

Tears drip down my cheeks and stream into the tub, but I don’t care.

I’m letting go for me, for the promise to move forward, and it’s okay.

I’m going to be okay. I’m not going to let him weigh me down anymore .

I stay in the tub, feeling weightless, with my hands tingling like they’re asleep, for what seems like hours. Once I notice the bath water has become cold, I open my eyes. Then grab a towel and dry myself off, stopping to look in the mirror.

I start smiling at the reflection I see looking back at me. For the first time in years, my wide brown eyes are filled with ease. My eyes are puffy from crying, but it doesn’t hide the hope I see in finding myself. I know I can move on. I know I can be happy.

A few months ago, I was depressed and pining for Ryan.

I’ve realized I don’t need him. I never needed him.

I’m my own fabulous fucking person. I’m worth more than the scraps he would give me in our relationship.

I agree with Grant; I deserve the world.

It’s a realization I should’ve come to a long time ago, but better late than never.

The sides of my mouth lift into a smile.

I’m ready to be myself again, better than before.

I don’t want to hurt Grant, but I know I need to talk to Ryan.

I can’t fully be with Grant until I’ve had this conversation.

Even though I can choose myself again, I’ll still be wondering why.

This is my chance to never wonder another thought about Ryan, but I need to talk to him first. Grant is a sensible man, he’ll see he was overreacting.

I’d never pick Ryan over him, but I will pick myself. I need this.

I have a day before my meeting with Ryan.

I have some research to do on my ex. I’ve been a coward, a shell of the person I used to be.

In the time we were apart, I didn’t dig into what was going on.

Why he left. If he got with other women immediately.

I blamed myself for him choosing to leave and I need to hear him say how he could do that face to face.

I would’ve given up anything for him. I found out we weren’t on the same page when he just up and left.

I can’t stand by and never know the answer.

He thinks I’ll just take him back. I saw the look of arrogance in his eyes last night.

He doesn’t know I have my backbone back. I can see what an asshole he was now. It took finding purpose and letting someone else in to realize I deserve better .

I grab my laptop and get to work. I’m coming in prepared.

~

I walk into the café to meet with Ryan as he requested the next morning.

My hair is down in the long waves I’ve come to love.

I have my glasses on; I like them and he hated them.

I’m wearing the army green dress Paige found for me with gold accessories.

Lavender must be seeping out of my pores.

It’s helping me stay calm instead of punching the motherfucker.

I spot him immediately. He’s at a small table by the window. His hair is grown out a bit like a dad haircut. He’s balding in the back, which is new. His shoulders slump over as he sits sporting a polo and black slacks like he’s dressed for a business meeting.

I hesitate for a moment. I’m unsure if I should go order something or just go sit with him. I choose to just go sit with him. He stands once he sees me.

“Hey, Lana! You came!” He tries to hug me, but I stand out of his reach. “Sorry.” He clenches his hands into fists by his sides. “I was just excited you came. Wasn’t sure you’d actually show.”

“I came for answers.” I keep my head high as I sit down in the chair across from him. “It’s been a while. You haven’t reached out to me in over two years and all of a sudden you need to talk to me. What’s up?”

“I wanted to explain. I think I made a huge mistake.” He motions to me. “Leaving you was a huge mistake.”

I don’t say anything. I want to hear the whole explanation.

“I got a job offer the day I left. They said I had to come as soon as possible or someone else would fill my place. It was a job one of my frat brothers was able to get me. So, I just packed up and left. I figured I would call you and you could meet up with me. Then I got there and it was so out of my realm, I didn’t think we’d work out.

It didn’t seem like anything you’d like.

There were people everywhere. It’s New York and the energy there is just super exciting. ”

He swallows, his Adam’s apple dropping. I see he’s sweating a bit. There’s something he’s not telling me. I’m not getting the full story.

“Everything we had talked about our entire relationship—moving to New York wasn’t it. I should’ve at least told you what was going on. I guess I didn’t want to lose you, but I knew I couldn’t take you.”

“You knew I was in love with you. I would’ve gone with you because it was what you wanted. I always wanted to support your dreams. I would’ve given up mine to be with you.”

“I know. That’s why it felt so wrong. I didn’t want to make you give up the life you wanted.”

He’s blaming me for him being a coward. I’m glad I’ve come prepared.

“I don’t think that’s what happened. I think your frat brothers were in New York and wanted you to be single. I know a few things now, Ryan.” I hand over my phone.

“What’s this?”

“Proof of the jackass you really are.”

He sees all the pictures I found of him partying with his frat brothers, making out with several women who are much different looking than I am. Most of them are blonde, without glasses or a curve in sight.

I made a fake profile and asked him to follow me so we could chat.

He accepted my request within the hour, the day after he kissed me at the wedding.

I have messages of him telling “Crystal York” that he thinks she’s hot.

He told her he’s single and wants to meet up as soon as possible.

Then there’s the messages of Crystal talking to his friends.

They outed him in two seconds, saying he got fired and was looking for a way to get back with his ex so he could crash. Bingo.

He swipes through all the pictures I found of him on my phone. Things I should’ve looked into a lot sooner. It would’ve given me the closure I needed.

“I think you’re right,” I start, while he gapes down at my phone.

“You let someone go who loved you and would’ve done anything for you.

I’m glad you did. Otherwise I’d still be blind to what a piece of shit you are.

I should’ve looked into you earlier. I would’ve had a lot of answers but I was so blindly in love with you, I blamed myself.

” I scoff. “I would hear your depreciating comments in my head and thought I didn’t deserve you.

What I’ve found out is I was way too good for you .

I hope you get your shit together, Ryan.

” I take back my phone. “Don’t contact me ever again. ”

I stand up.

“What is this, Lana? You’re fucking some other dude and now you have a backbone?”

I squint my eyes at him in my most evil look.

“Don’t you dare try to insult me,” I start with an even voice.

“You need to take responsibility for your actions. Stop being a fucking coward and grow some balls. I deserve someone who loves me back, not someone who leaves, and thinks I’ll take them back.

You messed up. Not me. I’m not blaming myself ever again. ”

I walk out with my head high, shoulders back, and heart pumping out of my chest. I just confronted my ex. I laugh, feeling lighter already.

~

I stick to my routine for the next week. Queenie and I go running, still preparing for the marathon. I’m up to thirteen miles, but I’m trying to beat my time. I want to make it through the half marathon in under two hours and ten minutes. So far, I’ve gotten to two and a half hours.

I still meet with Jason at nights for weight training.

Scarlett is out of town on her honeymoon.

I’ve tried reaching out to Grant, but as soon as I type a message, I delete it.

I knew he’d leave and that’s what he did.

I didn’t kiss Ryan back or ask to be kissed.

I had to confront the person who I’ve let keep me down for so long.

I was going to stand up to him after years of not acting like myself.

Before Ryan, I would’ve spoken my mind, but I had forgotten and I needed him to know I was back.

It was my final closure to our relationship and to ensure he knew never to contact me again.

I thought of all the people in the world, Grant would understand. I think he must be going through his own stuff to be so insecure about my dipshit ex, and that’s on him. I’m not letting a guy take me down again.

My heart is a bit broken. I haven’t heard from Grant and I was close to letting him in entirely.

I would have if we’d stayed together for more than three days.

He’s always been everything I’ve ever wanted.

Maybe after I’ve finished the marathon, I’ll have clarity on what to do about Grant.

Until then, I’m focusing on achieving my best time for this long ass run.

I have to focus on this or I’ll go back to staring at my phone, willing a message to pop through. I can’t do it again.

I’ve also focused on work. The books are done early and the app is complete. I spend a lot of time fixing the bugs. It’ll be available to clients next week, but the employees at the gym are using it now and giving me feedback.

Tonight, Paige and Jason are going out for drinks. I have two weeks until the contest, so I think I’m going with them. At the very least, I won’t be alone sulking in my apartment. I need to be strong.

Eight o’clock comes around and Paige knocks at my door. “Hi, La La! You ready to get your party girl on?”

Jason pops out of nowhere from behind her and starts shimmying into my place. “Hi, babe!”

“You guys are nuts.” I blink at them.

“Nuts as in we like them near our mouths!” Paige shouts, high-fiving Jason. He finds this hilarious.

“Come in before my neighbors call the white vans with the straightjackets,” I tell them, not that any of my neighbors would notice. I don’t’ even know if I have neighbors living next to me. It’s so quiet.

“I’m on a mission to find my next hot guy.” Paige bites her nail.

“You’ve found him,” I deadpan. “It’s Jake.”

Paige has been seeing Jake for years. If she can’t find someone out at a bar or has a bad date, she calls him. She sees us the next day looking relaxed.

“It’s not Jake. Jake is a guy I hook up with once a week. You know my rule.”

“You see him more than once a week.”

I’ve never met Jake. I just hear of him, but I know Paige has already fallen for him. I have a feeling he’s exactly who she’s been looking for, but she’s scared to commit. I can tell. They call me Cupid for a reason.

“Don’t you pull your Cupid shit on me, Lana.” She points at me.

“Why? You’re always content and happy after seeing him.”

“Let’s move on. Jason, who’s your latest flavor of the week?”

“I need a new one too.” He sulks, putting his hand under his chin while he leans on my island. “Why do you think I’m here with you, instead of out with a man?” He looks offended as he brushes over his chest with his hand.

“Let me get my purse and we’ll get out of here,” I tell them.

Jason and Paige pet Queenie and talk baby talk as we head out for the night. Looks like we all need a night out. I need to have fun, especially if I’m going to be single forever. I still have hope for Grant and I, but just in case I’m focusing on the music tonight. I need to get lost in a beat.

It doesn’t stop my mind hoping Grant will be there.