Page 4 of Men or Paws

“Great news,” Oliver said. “I found someone who can watch Houdini for you.”

“Just like that?”

“Hey, I don’t mess around. You can put her up in your guesthouse, that way she’ll be available whenever you need her. I just texted you her phone number. You’re welcome. Gotta run.”

“Wait!” I said, an uneasy feeling in my stomach. “Hiring a woman is a bad idea.”

“Don’t worry. She’s not one of your leading ladies and I can guarantee you there is zero chance you will fall in love with her.”

“Not funny. And I’m not talking about that.”

“She’s not a stalker or a groupie, either.”

“Did you ask her if she was?”

Oliver laughed. “Not quite, but—”

“Who is she and how did you find her?”

He sighed. “Her name is Beth Myers. She’s the sister of Josh Myers.”

“The standup comedian?”

“The one and only.”

Josh Myers was an A-List comic and one of Oliver’s top clients. He was touted as our generation’s Robin Williams and had been touring to sold-out audiences around the world.

“I thought Josh lived in Beverly Hills,” I said.

“Malibu, but his sister lives not too far from you in Oceanside. They’re adults. They’re allowed to live separately and wherever they want without mommy and daddy’s permission.”

“If you’re trying to be the next Josh Myers, don’t quit your day job,” I said. “And you didn’t answer my question; how do you know she’s not going to come on to me or tie me up in the dungeon and torture me?”

I didn’t like being a pest about it, but I’d had my fair share of weirdos and psychos, complete strangers who claimed they loved me and were sure we were meant to be together forever. One woman even scaled the seven-foot wall surrounding my property and was found swimming naked in my pool. I had been shooting a movie in Croatia at the time, but luckily my next door neighbor, Douglas, called the cops on her.

He calls the cops on everybody, actually.

Oliver chuckled. “Beth will leave you alone, Lover Boy. I guarantee it.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because she doesn’t like you.”

For some reason, that caught me off guard. “What do you mean?”

“It’s pretty self-explanatory. You do nothing for her. There’s a better chance of her killing you before she ever thinks about sleeping with you.”

“And exactly how is that supposed to make me feel better?” I asked.

“She’s going to leave you alone and do her job, so you can do yours,” Oliver said.

Unfortunately, curiosity got the best of me. “Not that I care, but why does she hate me so much?”

“I never said hate.” Oliver laughed again. “What’s the matter? Is your ego taking a hit right now?”

“No.”Maybe.

“Liar. Face it, we have finally found a unicorn, the one woman in the world who doesn’t want to sleep with you, marry you, or swim naked in your pool. I guess there’s a slight possibility of you two becoming friends, but don’t hold your breath.”