Page 64 of Meet Me Under the Northern Lights

GUNNAR’S HOME, OUTSKIRTS OF REYKJAVIK

‘So, are you going to tell me what is wrong?’ Hildur asked later that night, looking up from her knitting. ‘Or will you pretend you are reading that book for the rest of the evening?’

Gunnar lifted his head from the page he had re-read so many times and looked at his old friend. ‘Are you pretending to knit?’

‘Do not be stupid! Look! See how long the work grows!’ She shook her needles and the wool attached to it that was forming a long train of something. ‘Tell me about the story you are “reading”.’

Gunnar closed the book, put it on the coffee table next to a display of pine cones Magnús and Hildur had painted silver, then leaned forward in his chair.

‘We saw a blue whale today.’

Hildur gasped and put her knitting to one side. ‘You saw a blue whale!’

‘We know they are here but?—’

‘Not in the winter time,’ Hildur said. ‘Are you sure?’

Gunnar nodded. ‘I am sure.’

‘Then it was a spirit!’

‘I knew you would say that.’

‘But you tell me anyway.’

Gunnar shrugged.

‘And because of this there is something on your mind.’

He sighed. ‘Chloe had some very good news today. She has been offered partnership with the company she works for.’

‘That is fantastic!’ Hildur said, clapping her hands together. ‘She is a very smart woman. I tell this from the moment we meet.’

‘She is,’ Gunnar agreed.

‘But this is a problem,’ Hildur said.

‘No.’

‘Gunnar Eriksson, I know you.’

‘I do not know what to say,’ he stated. ‘It just feels like everything is repeating itself all over again.’

As he said the words he hated himself for feeling any kind of way about Chloe’s work news.

He should only feel complete happiness for her achievement and he did feel joy for her but, underneath it all was a horrible burning sensation that told him that as soon as he had begun to open himself up, be honest about Magnús, try to unlock that vulnerable personal side of himself, the universe was preparing to take it all away and shut it down again.

And as all these thoughts revolved in his head, Hildur hadn’t said anything, was simply looking at him like she was waiting for more…

‘It is like what happened with Kirstin, no? She finds out about Magnús, she gets a new, better work opportunity, she leaves. It is the exact same pattern of events. I do not know why I expected anything else.’

‘Have you said any of this to Chloe?’ Hildur asked him.

‘How can I?’ he said, throwing his hands up.

‘Why would I? I want Chloe to be happy. She deserves all the happiness given everything she has been through. And I am not the kind of person to say “but what does that mean for the beginnings of us”? We have known each other for such a short time. It is insignificant compared to all the time she has put into making her successful career.’

Hildur hauled herself to her feet and began to shuffle across the living area towards him.

‘What are you doing?’ he asked.

‘I am coming closer so I do not need to shout,’ she said, her arms brushing tinsel and baubles as she passed by the Christmas tree. ‘There may be hugging.’

Gunnar folded his arms across his chest and retracted slightly. But he checked to make sure Hildur was on her way to safely sitting down beside him. And then she launched her tiny frame at him so he almost had to catch her and she held on tight with what he imagined to be the grip of a Norse god.

‘You need to have faith,’ Hildur told him.

‘In God? In the spirits?’

‘In Chloe,’ Hildur said. ‘And, in yourself.’

She let him go then, sitting down beside him and meeting his gaze.

‘Chloe is not Kirstin. And you are not the same person that you were back then.’

‘No?’

‘No,’ Hildur told him. ‘Back then you were looking for someone to share a relationship with because you thought that is what you should be doing. You never really, truly opened yourself up to the possibility of love, you only partially unlocked the door and peeked out to see what was there.’

‘I do not think?—’

‘I am right. You know this. Do not question it.’

Gunnar said nothing else.

‘Kirstin was not the right person for you. And you knew that really, if you are honest. You knew how she would react to finding out about Magnús and, in the end, that is the reason you told her.’

Gunnar felt a squirming in his gut that said Hildur had seen right to the heart of the matter, as always.

‘You were not ready with Kirstin. Kirstin was not the right person. The situation is not the same.’

‘But Chloe will leave.’

‘And you have known that from the very start,’ Hildur reminded him.

‘You knew that she was only visiting. Yet still you made time and opportunity to pursue something with her. Why?’ She took a brief breath before carrying on.

‘You do not need to answer that because I know the reason why. Because she is the right person. Because you are ready now, to unlock the door and step boldly out from behind it. No more peeking.’

He sighed. ‘But she is still leaving.’

‘Yes,’ Hildur said. ‘And you must let her go. No matter how hard that feels. Because if Chloe is the right person then she will come back. I have faith in her like I have faith in you.’

‘But look at me, Hildur and look at the life I have. Chloe could find someone with more time to give her, not someone who spends hours on a coach every day and has a surrogate son to manage.’

‘Ah, yes,’ Hildur said. ‘This is very true. And while we are on the subject of not being enough, why not wonder if she might be happier with someone who looks like Pedro Pascal?’

‘OK, that was uncalled for.’

‘People do not fall in love with a face,’ Hildur told him. ‘People fall in love with a feeling. That special something someone sparks in you when you are around them. That is what you have with Chloe. I believe that is what she feels with you.’

He so wanted to believe it. He wanted to hold the thought tight and imagine how much stronger it could grow given more time.

‘And remember the blue whale?’ Hildur said. ‘You know what that signifies in mythology?’

‘Wisdom,’ Gunnar replied. ‘But also solitude. I thought it was showing me how to get ready to continue to be alone.’

Hildur shook her head. ‘No. In mythology a whale signifies “harmony”, “courage” and “abundance”. All good things.’

‘I guess it depends what book you read,’ Gunnar said with a shrug.

‘But there is another thing a whale can signify,’ Hildur continued.

‘What?’

‘Family,’ Hildur said. ‘Motherhood in particular.’

‘What are you trying to say?’ Gunnar asked her.

‘I am not trying to say anything,’ Hildur said. ‘I do not have to. The spirits are doing all the talking. Loud and clear.’