Page 63 of Meet Me Under the Northern Lights

HúSAVíK

‘Today, we are hoping to see not just humpback whales.’ Gunnar spoke to his happy band of travellers waiting to board the traditional Icelandic oak ship about to take them out of Skjálfandi Bay. ‘But other kinds – fin whales or maybe even dolphins.’

Despite the excitement of the whales, a mention of dolphins always seemed to get appreciation. Except one person didn’t seem to be fully engaged in his pre-tour patter. Chloe. She was gazing out over the bay like her mind was swirling with a million thoughts as her eyes grazed over the water.

‘So,’ Gunnar said, clapping his gloved hands together. ‘We can get on board the boat now and the crew will give you further instructions.’

Everyone rushed toward the vessel, cameras already out of their bags, desperate to get the best seats or standing area where they could have the perfect view to capture a maybe once-in-a-lifetime shot.

The only thing on his mind was easing whatever was going on in Chloe’s.

He stepped towards her, then, without overthinking, slipped his arms around her waist and drew her close into his body.

‘Let us hope the whales do not mind snow,’ he whispered close to her ear as the flakes continued to fall around them.

She snuggled into him and he relaxed a little, her head nestling close to his.

‘You are OK?’ he asked her.

‘I am OK,’ she answered.

But he sensed it in her voice. She was deep-thinking. ‘Tell me, krúttio mitt .’

He felt her body tense first and then slowly release.

He held her as she began to still, relax, simply breathe.

And then she turned around to face him, snowflakes landing on her pinked cheeks.

She was so beautiful, like a warm, radiant picture against the cold, rugged landscape.

She was looking at him now as if there were a million things she wanted to say and he wished she would tell him, let him lighten her mental load.

Then she slipped her gloved hands into his, giving them a squeeze.

‘Let’s get on the boat.’

* * *

It was even colder out on the water, but they had been provided with suits to lock their body temperature in and to repel the snow and it really did feel like they were at one with the ocean.

As their boat guide gave information about the area and what they hoped to see, Chloe’s mind was working overtime wondering what she was going to do about the new dilemma she was faced with.

It was head over heart, something she had longed for versus unchartered territory and something she could never have envisaged coming along for her.

‘There is Lundey, or, Puffin Island,’ Gunnar said. He pointed ahead of them to a lump of rock sticking out of the sea then he passed her a steaming hot drink.

‘Is this where we are going to see hundreds of black and white birds who look like Magnús’s costume?’ Chloe asked him.

‘No,’ Gunnar answered. ‘We will not see any puffins today.’

‘What?’ Chloe said, confused. ‘But it’s called Puffin Island.’

‘Yes,’ he told her. ‘But the puffins, they only come here for the summer months. To breed. In the summertime there can be up to three hundred thousand puffins here.’

‘That’s crazy,’ Chloe said. ‘So many.’

‘Yes,’ Gunnar said. ‘And the island, it is only two hundred metres long and one hundred metres wide.’

‘Can you go there? Walk on it?’

‘No,’ Gunnar said. ‘It is owned privately. But we will go close on the boat. There are not only puffins there. There is much other wildlife too.’

She took a sip of her coffee and hoped it would warm her body and soothe the internal conflict too. But even Icelandic coffee couldn’t work miracles…

‘Chloe,’ Gunnar said so softly. ‘Do not think that you cannot tell me your truths.’

She leaned against the boat and turned a little to face him. ‘Did you hear any of my call with Michelle?’

‘No,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘I am a professional driver. My eyes were on the road, my mouth was telling the stories of the huldufólk and my ears were listening for the throwing up.’

Chloe laughed. ‘There wasn’t any of that.’

‘On the way here,’ Gunnar said, smiling. ‘But, you know, after a trip on water, fish and chips and a long day.’

‘Stop it.’

‘I have stopped.’

Chloe took a breath of the salty snowy air and looked deep into Gunnar’s eyes. ‘Michelle offered me partnership.’

Her chest swelled as she delivered the news and she felt excitement, joy and pride flooding her like it should have flooded her when she had first heard Michelle say it.

‘Chloe!’ Gunnar exclaimed, not hesitating to throw his arms around her and hug her tightly. ‘This is the most amazing news! The moment that you so wished for in all of the world.’

And, just like that, her feelings changed, see-sawing instantaneously. Her body stiffened. It was not the moment she had so wished for in all of the world. That moment could never be achieved.

Gunnar let her go, stood back, knowing, feeling. ‘Chloe, I am sorry. That was not what I meant. God, I am so stupid! The worst person! I did not think!’

‘Stop,’ Chloe said, putting a finger to his lips and pressing hard. ‘I know what you meant and it’s fine. It is what I wanted for so long. The thing I have been striving for, dreaming about, trying to manifest, it’s finally come true.’

‘But there is a problem?’ Gunnar asked.

She nodded. ‘Yes. I think. I don’t really know. I’m just trying to work it out in my mind.’

He nodded now. ‘There is much to think about.’

She looked out to sea now, as the boat began to move a little closer to the island, waves lapping at its base, snow covering the rocks.

‘I suppose, when Michelle said all these amazing things about my work, about me, and then offered me the partnership, it didn’t quite feel how I thought it was going to feel. ’

‘It did not feel good?’ Gunnar asked her.

‘It felt… OK.’

She couldn’t believe she had actually voiced that. And how? How had her career dream changed from all she could think about night and day into an ‘OK’. What did that say about the path she had set herself on for so long? What did it say about her future?

‘You know,’ Gunnar began, standing close.

‘Sometimes when we have been very focussed on one thing for a long time we can be blinkered to everything else going on around us. Sometimes, dreams and ambitions they can be solitary places, places that we go to that feel strong and grounding and safe, always there to hold on to, our one purpose.’

‘Yes,’ Chloe said, nodding. ‘Exactly that.’

‘For me, this is Magnús,’ Gunnar admitted. ‘From the moment he arrived in my life he was the focus, the purpose. I did not think about anything else other than giving him everything I could to try to make up for everything he had had taken away from him.’

‘And you have done an incredible job with him,’ Chloe said.

‘Maybe,’ Gunnar replied. ‘But, you know, that one thing or person or goal, it can hold you back from exploring other things, missing other moments in your life, or even finding a different road to travel to a destination you never had the time or the space to realise.’

‘You have regrets about being Magnús’s guardian?’

‘No!’ Gunnar stated passionately. ‘No, not one regret for that. If the same situation would happen again I would do the same thing. But, I think I am beginning to realise that accepting responsibility for Magnús should not have meant shutting down every other area of my life.’

And that was exactly what Chloe had done with her work.

She hadn’t been able to conceive, which had made her relationship with Michael fall apart and all she felt she had left was her work.

She’d needed something she felt she could excel in, succeed in, something that was totally under her control and something that wouldn’t ever have to rely on someone else.

Safe but oh so solitary… She gripped the handrail of the boat.

Gunnar put his hand over hers and interlinked their fingers.

‘To be honest with you, I think the problem with most things is expectation.’ He sighed.

‘Other people’s expectations, society’s expectations, everyone doing the same things because people have done the same things for centuries.

There is no room for personal expression, for deeper personalised thinking, for living without pressure, for living gently. ’

Living gently. She liked that. She really liked that.

‘Ah! Look!’ Gunnar said, pointing ahead of them, his breath visible in the freezing air. ‘I do not believe it! There is a blue whale! See?’

Chloe looked and there it was, a huge mammal swimming in the water. ‘Is that rare?’

‘Yes,’ Gunnar said. ‘They come only in the summer usually and, even then, they stay maybe a few days here to feed and then they leave again. In the winter this is not normal.’

She could sense his excitement and she loved how his thrill made her feel.

And that’s when it hit her. That’s when it fully, truly, all-the-way hit her.

She smiled to herself as she watched the blue whale submerge then pop up again and the other passengers started to ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ as they took photo after photo.

She wasn’t going to take photos. She was going to drink this moment in for all that it was and all that it was telling her.

‘Gunnar,’ she said, squeezing his hand.

‘Yes, krúttio mitt .’

‘I like “not normal”,’ she told him.

‘Me too,’ he said, wrapping an arm around her. ‘Me too.’