Page 4

JOSKA

I could tell she was having trouble opening up to me, but the more questions I asked, the more she talked. And though she was answering my questions, she had yet to explain what the real reason for her crisis was.

She hinted on having come out of an abusive relationship. Without having to tell me, I knew what she meant when she said that her ex hadn’t treated her right. It was easy to figure that out. While her words were cryptic, her eyes told me everything she wasn’t telling me.

I wasn’t going to nudge her into telling me details about her past relationship. We had just met, and while I was a priest, this birthday party wasn’t the right place to talk about personal worries.

Bennie had a way with words. Again, yet very cryptic, the way she spoke was soothing. I caught myself staring at her mouth a couple of times, but I just couldn’t help it. She was wearing a pretty red color on her lips. It was dark, yet I could see her natural color peak through. I had no damn clue about makeup, but she sure knew how to pull it off.

The small gap between her two front teeth was what I liked most about her mouth. It suited her, and I had always found women with little flaws like that attractive. Though, calling that little gap a flaw wasn’t right. To me, it made her just look more attractive. That’s all.

She had a sharp jaw and high cheekbones, yet there was a softness about her that intrigued me. Her nose was straight, with her tip turned up a tiny bit. I noticed that it moved whenever she spoke, which was another thing I would be thinking about once I didn’t have her in front of me anymore.

Her eyes were big and round, with her dark lashes making that golden color of her irises glow. Dark curls framed her tan face perfectly, and the shorter fringe covering her forehead wasn’t taking away from her beauty.

It had been a while since a woman made me admire her so much, but there was something about Bennie that pulled me toward her, wanting to get to know her better.

At this time, I was just a guy at a party who happened to be a priest, and she was a woman who needed someone to talk to her who would simply listen and maybe give some advice.

“…And now that you practically still know nothing about me because I keep beating around the bush, I should probably tell you the reason why I’m losing my faith in God,” she said with a nervous chuckle. “I’m sorry for wasting your time.”

“You’re not wasting my time. Fifty percent of my job consists of listening,” I told her, giving her a wink.

“I just want you to know that I wouldn’t be upset if you would want to go back inside.”

“I would like to stay here and talk to you.” I smiled and took a sip of my beer before putting the bottle down and leaning back to get more comfortable.

“Okay.” She pressed her lips together tightly as she gathered the words she wanted to say next. “So, the reason why I’m losing faith is because I’ve had cancer two times. Once when I was younger, and a second time four years ago.”

I let those words sink in for a moment. I never liked hearing about someone battling a sickness as cruel as cancer, and I was slowly starting to put the pieces together why she was feeling faithless.

“I know it’s a stupid thing to say, and I’ve heard many people give me their reasons why I shouldn’t act this way, but I just can’t understand why I was put on this earth by God, only to battle cancer half of my life. It seems unfair that I have to honor him, and in return, he doesn’t keep me healthy.”

Her reasoning was valid. It was something many people couldn’t fathom when things in their life went downhill, when all they’ve done was being good all their lives.

I took a deep breath and smiled gently. “How are you feeling now?” I asked, wanting to know if the cancer was fully in the past or not.

“Good. I feel healthy and I’m happy. Happier .” Her smile was tight.

I nodded. “That’s good to hear. First of all, I want you to know that it’s completely normal to have feelings of confusion when you’re faced with difficult circumstances like that. I can also understand the frustration, and it’s natural to question why we have to endure suffering, especially when it seems unfair.” I paused and leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees while I kept my eyes on her. “Is anyone you’re close to also religious?”

“My whole family is, but I guess my dad is the only one I’ve been very close to during all those years. Although…he has lost his faith completely because of my cancer.”

I nodded, taking another moment to think about my next words. “We may not always understand the reasons for our struggles, but it’s important to remember that God loves us unconditionally. I could lie to you now and say that I know why you got sick, but in reality, no one knows why some people have to battle a sickness so cruel.”

I stopped for a moment, unsure how to continue. It had been a while since I questions my own beliefs, and God, but because of Bennie, I was doing exactly that.

I furrowed my brows as I continued to talk. “I don’t believe God was the one to make you sick. Do you?”

She looked at me with an expression I couldn’t quite read. But there was confusion in her eyes. “I mean, I’ve been taught that everything I go through in life is God’s doing. Everything I go through is God’s plan. That’s what I’ve been told ever since I was little.”

I understood that every church, every family had their own idea of who and what God was, and, surprisingly, hers made me think.

I pursed my lips and rubbed my jaw, letting her words linger before I continued with, “As a priest, I should be telling you that, even if it seems wrong, God has put you through all that because it was his plan, like you said, but he also helped you through it. He helped you get better by standing by your side while you battled cancer. But…now that I think about it, that’s bullshit.”

Bennie had been taking a sip of her Coke when I said that, and she choked on her drink, surprised by my words. Her eyes lit up with amusement, and she laughed after setting the Coke down, and wiping her lips with the back of her hand. “See, that’s what I’ve been saying. It’s contradictive. How am I supposed to believe in God when he makes me sick yet helps me get through it. And what if I wouldn’t have made it out alive in the end? What if cancer won? Would that have been God’s plan too? To let me die?”

She had a point. I understood what she was saying, and while I was trying hard not to put everything against my religion, it was nice to have a conversation like this for once.

“I get it.” I reached out my hand and placed it on her thigh, squeezing gently. “What I understood from all this is that you don’t trust him.”

“Not so much anymore, no.”

“That means you’ve not fully pushed him away.”

She shook her head. “Not yet.”

“So then…maybe only trust in him when you think he’ll be helpful.”

She stared at me like I was crazy. And, to be fair, I felt like I was.

I was the first to break God’s trust by doing the unthinkable as a priest, but I still wanted to help other keep their faith.

Bennie chuckled. “So you’re saying I should only trust in God partially.”

“Yes. Because he only helped you partially too.”

Her lips curled into a smirk. She was trying hard to hold back a laugh. “Aren’t you supposed to make me believe in him fully again?”

“No, I’m supposed to listen and give advice. What you do with that advice is up to you. I can’t force you to believe in him the way you had when you were younger, just like I can’t force anyone else to believe in my God when they already made up their minds.”

We looked at each other as the silence rolled over us. I could tell she was thinking hard about everything I said, but she wouldn’t want to continue to talk about this. We had both said enough.

“I really appreciate that you sat with me and listened. I’ll take your advice to heart,” she assured me, smiling gently. She placed her hand on mine, and I squeezed her thigh one more time,

“Anytime.” I stopped for a moment, weighing my options before going for the one I wasn’t so sure she’d react well to. “And I mean that. If you ever want to talk again, let me give you my number and we can meet up. Have coffee and talk.”

She pursed her lips again, and I was starting to love that expression of hers. “Are you trying to ask me out?”

“No.”

“That’s a shame.” She let go of my hand and got up. As she looked down at me with her golden eyes now dark, a flirtatious gleam flashed through them. “I would’ve totally gone on a date with a hot priest.”

With that, she headed back inside, leaving me there, sitting all alone in the moonlight.

I leaned back and ran my hand over my face, chuckling, and shaking my head at the words she had left me with.

She was young. Smart. And maybe far too beautiful for a man like me.

But who was I not to chase after a woman like Bennie?