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JOSKA

She wasn’t trying to test me. She was trying to figure out if she was ready for the dark part of me. She wasn’t like the women I had been with before. Those women were with me for fun, and none of them had ever wanted more. Or vice-versa.

I had always been honest with them, making sure they knew that after a night together, I didn’t want to see them again. Because back then, I never fucked the same woman twice.

With Bennie, things were a little different.

We were dating, and though this was only our second date, we both knew there was something strong growing between us. And if things ever went further, I for sure wanted to do it all over again, every day, for the rest of my life.

I reached out to take her hand, holding it in my lap while caressing the back of her fingers. “What do you want to know about my past with other women?” I asked, showing her that I would be open to answering whatever questions she had.

She studied me with her pretty brown eyes, gathering her many thoughts. It seemed like she was fighting an inner battle, with a gleam of amusement and curiosity flashing in her eyes. “Did you really have a threesome before?”

Out of all the things I thought she would ask, that wasn’t one. I laughed and squeezed her hand gently. “Did Sin tell you that, or my brother?”

She pursed her lips and shrugged. “Both. So, is it true?”

I nodded, smiling gently at her. “Yes, it’s true. I’ve had a couple.”

“And…the women you had them with…were they, like…” She stopped and furrowed her brows. “Were they religious?”

“I don’t know. I never asked them about their religion.”

The tip of her tongue came out to lick her lips, and I watched her face closely as she struggled to find more words. She was battling with her faith again, unsure how to feel.

“Talk to me, Bennie. I can help,” I told her, my voice calm.

She looked into my eyes again and smiled tightly, her gaze filled with insecurity. “When I was little, I was always told that being with a man in a sexual way was a sin. I believed that, and I was convinced that I would only ever be intimate with a guy once I was old enough. The older I got, I figured it wouldn’t be so bad to explore my sexuality, and while I didn’t have many boys be interested in me, I did kiss a few. Then, when I met my ex, I was so in love with him that I wanted to explore my sexuality even more, and I knew I wasn’t the only religious woman who did sexual things. So…I figured God couldn’t be mad at me for that. Then again, I thought he already hated me because of the cancer he made me fight two times.”

She took a deep breath, her emotions overcoming her. Her voice became shaky, and her body was tense.

I pulled her closer to me, putting one arm around her shoulders to hold her close, and keeping on holding her hand in my lap. I pressed a long kiss to her forehead, giving her the time she needed.

“God doesn’t hate you, Bennie,” I assured her, gently rubbing her back.

“I don’t know if I can believe that.”

I understood her issues, and while I was meant to guide her, I was starting to feel anger myself. The God we both trusted all our lives had hurt Bennie, and it made me angry. In the strangest way, I felt rage toward him for inflicting so much pain that she started questioning everything she went through.

My body was tense, and I needed a moment to reflect on everything.

Bennie had been the first person to ever make me question my faith, and while I knew I had always done a good job as a priest, I knew my private life was sinful, and God definitely didn’t appreciate the things I did.

But with Bennie, I couldn’t regret anything. Not the path that brought me here, not the things I had done to upset the church, and certainly not the pull I felt toward her. She made me question not only my faith but also my purpose.

Maybe I was never meant to be a damn priest. Maybe I was meant to be a sinful man who occasionally went to church to beg for forgiveness, only to then leave and do it all over again.

But I was just too good at my job. I was good at listening to people, to help them, to give them advice. Hell, even if I was now questioning my beliefs, I could still be a good priest.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice breaking the heavy silence. Her head dipped, and her hair fell forward, hiding her face.

“For what?” I asked, my voice sharper than I intended. I tilted her chin up so she would look at me, the warmth of her skin immediately making me calm down as my emotions stirred inside of me. “Bennie, you have nothing to be sorry for. Ever.”

Her lips quivered. “Yes, I do. For making you talk about all this. For…doubting. For dragging you into my mess.”

I shook my head, an ironic smile tugging at my lips. “You think this is a mess? Bennie, you’re the clearest thing in my life right now. The one thing that doesn’t feel like a lie. You’re challenging me in the best way possible. In a way no other woman has ever challenged me.”

Her eyes searched mine, and I let her see the truth of it. The way she was unraveling all the walls I had built over the years to hide who I really was. I wasn’t supposed to feel this way, wasn’t supposed to want something so badly that it threatened everything I thought I knew about myself and the life I chose. But here I was, and here she was, and I couldn’t let go even if I wanted to.

I leaned in closer, resting my forehead against hers. “We both have a lot to figure out, but we’ll figure it out together. I’m here for you. I want to be here for you. And I just know that this thing between us will be big.”

She let out a soft sigh as her body slowly eased. I leaned back to look into her eyes, and she smiled softly at me. “It’s funny, you know?”

“What is?”

“How my mind was leading me in one direction, but my heart just pulled me down this road.” She laughed softly, shaking her head gently. “I wanted to know about your past, know everything about the things you have done, but now, all I want is to find it out myself.”

Her curiosity was still there. It never left, and in a way, that was the sweetest fucking thing ever. She had an innocent soul that got hurt many times before, but she wanted to explore. Wanted to see what life was like with a man was who could show her new things. Good things. Things she’d cherish and learn to love.

I wanted all that for her. And I wanted to be the man by her side.

“I feel like a mess,” she whispered, her gaze dropping to our hands in my lap. “But it’s exciting.”

I smiled and pressed another kiss to her forehead, then another to her cheek, and one last to her soft lips. “We’ll figure it out. Together. And we’ll make it exciting, every step of the way.”

Her face lit up, that curiosity keeping on shining in her eyes. “Promise?”

“I promise, sweetheart.”

She wrapped her arms around me, holding me close as if she never wanted to let go. And in that moment, I knew that Bennie was the one who would change my life in ways I never thought possible.

BENNIE

Our date was more than just a date.

Just like our first one, it was more than a simple getting to know each other to find out if we were compatible.

We didn’t just graze the surface, trying to figure out simple things about each other. No. we had deep talks, and serious conversations. Even the stories he told me got us talking about things not many would talk on a second date.

But I was glad we did.

Even if my goal had been to know more about his past with women, I later on decided not to dig deeper. Ultimately, it wasn’t any of my business.

The words he said to me, and the promises he made earlier, were things I took to heart. Even if things between us seemed rushed from the outside, it was only right to take it the way things came to us.

Why would we stop this when it felt so right?

Why would we fight it?

There was no reason to, and in a way, I wanted to prove to myself that, for once in my life, I could let go a little, and not be in constant control of my feelings.

I needed to live and not worry all the time, because if there’s something I had done way too often, it was worrying about my future.

I didn’t want to worry anymore.

Not about my past, and not about the future.

I moved my gaze from the fireplace to watch Joska come back through the hallway. He smiled at me, stopping in front of me. “Ready?”

I smiled back and nodded. “Ready.” Getting up from the couch, I stood right in front of him, looking up with a tilt of my head.

His smile turned into a smug grin, and his hands touched my hips, pulling me closer to him. “I know you won’t change your mind, and I know you have to get up early for work tomorrow, but I wish you would stay the night.”

As his hands moved to my lower back, my body pressed against his, and I placed my hands on his chest, slowly moving them up to his neck. “I had the best time tonight,” I assured him, smiling up at him gently. “But I fear that if I stay, you’ll have me here forever.”

“I like the sound of that.” He leaned in and kissed the side of my neck, making my whole body tingle as his lips and tongue moved against my skin. “Sure you won’t change your mind?”

I closed my eyes and enjoyed his kisses, moaning softly as he gently sucked at my neck. “I’m sure. But I would like to stay another time.”

“I’m free the whole weekend.” He leaned back to look at me, his eyes filled with excitement. “Would you like to come by on Friday night?”

How could I say no to that?

Spending time with him became important to me.

“Yes, I’d really like that.”

“Good. It’s another date,” he said with a proud grin. “We’ll cook, watch a movie or talk, and spend time together all weekend long.”

That was a good plan.

“What about Sunday? Don’t you have Mass?”

“I do, but maybe you can come with me. Watch me work.”

“Really?”

He nodded, smiling gently as his hands moved further down, cupping my ass. “Really. That way you can see the good side of me.” He winked.

Pursing my lips, I once again let my mind wander to places I had yet to explore. He had shown his good side ever since I first met him, but it was his dark side that I had yet to get to know.

“I’d love to see you preach. Maybe it will even help me figure things out.”

He nodded again, leaning in to give me a quick kiss. “Good. I can’t wait to see your pretty face in the crowd.” He took my mouth again, and I melted into him, with my hands running through his hair.

He deepened the kiss and squeezed my ass tightly as his tongue curled around mine. My body warmed, and my heart pumped loudly in my chest. I wanted to feel this way every day, forever.

I wasn’t ready for him to break the kiss, but I truly had to go.

He watched me closely as his hands came up to brush back my hair. After giving me one more kiss, he said, “Let me walk you to your car.”

I let him, and on our way out, he went to grab the flowers he got for me. I would put those flowers next to my bed so I could smell them all night.

Once we were outside, we headed to the car, and once I unlocked it, he opened the door to the backseat to put the flowers inside carefully. When that was done, he pulled me to him again, giving me a tight hug. “Text me when you get home, okay?”

“Okay, I will.” I smiled. He wanted me safe. “Thank you again for tonight, Joska.”

“Thank you .” He pressed a kiss to my head before moving away and helping me into the car. “Drive safe.”

“I will. Good night, Joska.”

His smile was soft, his eyes pleased. “Good night, sweetheart.”

I would have trouble falling asleep tonight.

One, because tonight had been incredible, thanks to Joska.

And, two, because I couldn’t wait to see him again on Friday.