Page 30

Chapter 29

A TRAUMA SHARED IS A TRAUMA HALVED

P ashim carried me all the way to the barracks as if I weighed nothing, and maybe to him I didn’t. I was already healing, the pain ebbing. I could have walked, but it felt nice to be held.

He took the steps to my floor, two and a time. “We can get you cleaned up in your room,” he said. “No need to visit the medical bay.”

“No need to see that bitch, Briella,” Blue added with a sneer.

Or see what I’d done to her. “How bad did I hurt her?”

“She’ll live,” Pashim said tightly.

“She fucking deserved it,” Blue said.

But guilt was a hot coal in my chest as Pashim carried me into my washroom and slowly set me down on the counter by the sink .

“Blue, run downstairs and ask Dipika for some salve, please.”

“On it.” Blue hopped down and scampered out of the room.

I craned my neck to see how he’d get through the closed door but was too late to catch it. How did he do that?

Pashim gently gripped my chin and turned my face this way and that. “She caught you on the jaw. But the bruise is already healing.” He grabbed a washcloth and wetted it with warm water. “Your lip too.” He dabbed at it to clean up the blood, and I closed my eyes and let him work. I hurt all over, but his hands were warm and comforting.

It felt nice to be taken care of this way.

But I didn’t deserve it. Not after how I’d hurt Briella.

“Leela…” Pashim said softly. “Please don’t cry.”

I blinked up at him through a sheen of tears. “I should have held back.”

“You were pushed. It was deliberate, and now I think on it, it was bound to happen. Better it be a seasoned demigod than a novice.” He tucked my hair behind my ear, and his fingers lingered on my cheek. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who should apologize. I should have considered this possibility.”

I gripped his wrist and leaned in to his touch. “No. You’ve been amazing. You…you’ve made this place be arable. Seeing everyone with their drohi, happy and content, it would have been so much harder if not for you.”

He sighed, his warm breath skimming over my skin. “He doesn’t deserve you, Leela. I trust in the Shakti, but I cannot see the wisdom in this union.”

His gaze dropped to my mouth, darkening and softening. “I wish they had given you to me.”

My breath caught at his confession, at the sound of words I’d thought too many times, finally said out loud.

He lightly touched the corner of my mouth. “Have you thought it too?”

A shadow filled the doorway. “Go on, Leela,” Araz drawled. “Tell us, have you thought it too ?”

Pashim dropped his chin with a weary sigh. “It’s rude to eavesdrop, Araz.”

“Even ruder to cloister yourself with another drohi’s jodi.”

“Why do you even care?” Pashim said. “You’ve made it clear that you don’t want her. Or have you changed your mind?”

Araz’s lips twisted in disgust. “I don’t care what you do with her, just do it elsewhere. Maybe you can try the hot springs. The little voyeur can sneak up on you and offer you her body there.”

My ears heated. “You bastard. It wasn’t like that, and you know it.”

He gave a derisive snort. “I’ve changed my mind. Do what you want with her, wherever you want. I don’t give damn. In fact, I’ll do the same. Wherever I want, with whomever I want.” He stalked out of the room and slammed the door.

“Fuck,” Pashim said.

I blinked back fresh tears of anger and frustration.

“What did I miss?” Blue said from the washroom door.

Whatever had been about to spark between Pashim and me in the washroom died quickly after the encounter with Araz. The rest of the day seemed to drag with dummy gauntlet training and supper, where Pashim was a no-show for the first time in almost two weeks.

Had Araz’s jibe about the springs put him off? Not that it mattered. There was no Pashim and me. I was bound to Araz.

Blue did his best to cheer me up with his unique humor and even accompanied me to my meeting with Ravi that evening, riding on my shoulder, one hand clutching a tendril of my hair for balance. With only a day left till the proper run, this was my last chance to run the whole course.

“I still think you should rest,” Blue said.

I’d planned to do just that, but the earlier encounter with Pashim and Araz and Pashim’s subsequent absence, and all the possible reasons for it, had left me too antsy to sit around and do nothing.

“I’ll rest tomorrow.”

“Only because ya have to.”

There were no lessons tomorrow in preparation for the gauntlet.

Ravi was waiting on the platform leading to the rotating log as he usually did, and as soon as Blue spotted him, he dropped a whiskery kiss on my cheek and scampered to the ground.

“I’ll see you in the morning.”

I blew him a kiss and watched him vanish into the shadows before continuing toward the course.

“Wasn’t sure you’d show,” Ravi said. “I heard what happened earlier.”

I climbed up the ladder to join him. “I’m fine. I healed. But I hear Briella is still in medical bay.”

“Yes. They’re not sure she’ll be fit to take the labyrinth.”

A rock settled in my stomach. “Oh shit…”

“She attacked you, Leela.”

“She was ordered to and?—”

“With unnecessary viciousness and force.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “How do you know?”

“I saw it.”

“You were there? ”

He smiled wryly. “I’m always there, Leela. You just don’t see me.”

There was a double entendre there that gave me pause. “Ravi, I don’t?—”

“Hey!” someone called from the wall.

Ravi rolled his eyes, but there was a smile on his lips. “I told you not to follow me, Prem.” He ran a hand over his short locks looking sheepish. “That’s my baby brother.” He turned to the wall. “Now that you’re here, you may as well come and say hello.”

The figure jumped off the wall and jogged over. The boy was a teen, all long limbs and a face he was still growing into, but the resemblance between him and Ravi was unmistakable, especially their stunning green eyes.

“Hi.” He smiled shyly at me. “I’m Prem”—he jerked a thumb toward Ravi—“this one’s better-looking brother.”

Ravi got him in a headlock and rubbed his knuckles on his head. “Say that again.”

“Ouch, fine, you’re marginally better looking.”

Ravi released him with a chuckle. “This is Leela, my…friend. I’m helping her with the gauntlet.”

“Can I watch?”

Ravi looked to me.

I shrugged. “Sure. But no laughing when I fall on my ass.”

“You were right,” Prem said to Ravi. “She is pretty, and she smells nice. ”

“Ready for a final full run-through?” Ravi asked quickly, twin spots of color appearing high on his cheekbones.

I bit back a smile. “Sure. Let’s do this.”

I ran the gauntlet.

The whole thing. And I didn’t fall or get knocked down.

Granted it was the dummy gauntlet, but it meant something, right?

The desire to share the news hot in my chest, I poked my head into the kitchen only to find it empty.

Urgh. Araz would have to do. Even if he had nothing encouraging to say, he could listen, right? It was the least he could do.

I returned to my room triumphant, exhausted, and determined to have a conversation with my drohi. But I sensed something was off as soon as I opened the door. The room was lit only by moonlight, and Araz’s bed was moving.

A woman moaned in pleasure.

An icy fist gripped my heart, and I quickly stepped out and closed the door. I stood in the hall, breath shuddering in and out of my lungs, tears pooling in the corners of my eyes and anger coalescing in my chest because what the fuck was wrong with me ?

Araz could fuck whomever he wanted.

I didn’t care. I didn’t fucking care.

But where would I sleep tonight? Who could I turn to?

There was only one person. One place.

Pashim opened his door looking wide awake even though he was dressed for bed in loose black pants and no top.

No top.

I lifted my gaze from his bronze skin to his concerned face. “Araz has a woman in the room, and I…I didn’t know where to go.”

His jaw clenched hard, sapphire eyes lighting up with anger. “Come in.” He stepped back, admitting me into his sanctuary, lit by low lamplight.

The room was almost identical to mine, but the washroom was on the opposite side. The space was neat as a pin, the walls lined with books. It was obvious that Pashim liked to read.

“Wait here while I go put an end to this cruel game,” Pashim said.

“No!” I grabbed his hand. “I don’t…I don’t want him to know I saw it. I just—Can I sleep here? I won’t be any trouble. You can make me a bed in the corner and?—”

“What?” He stared at me in confusion.

“A bed in the corner of the room.”

“Why would I do that when there is a perfectly good bed in the center of it?”

“It’s fine. I’m used to it. I don’t mind.”

Several seconds slipped by where he stared at me in dawning comprehension, and it hit me that he probably didn’t know the truth about Araz and my sleeping arrangement. Had he not noticed my separate bed when he’d carried me to my room earlier tonight?

He exhaled through his nose, reining in his emotions. “You’ll take my bed,” he said. “I don’t sleep much anyway.” He led me over to his neatly made bed. “Sit down.”

He was so kind, and I felt awful for taking advantage, especially since he’d gone to the pains of avoiding me at supper earlier. “I’m sorry. I know you probably didn’t want to see me, but?—”

“Why would I not want to see you?” He studied me in confusion.

Had I misread his absence? “After Araz said those things and you didn’t come to supper I…I thought…”

He crouched and gently took my hands in his. “I was giving you some space. Araz’s reaction to my being close to you suggested that he cared more than he was allowing us to see. I cannot stand in the path of a jodi that has true potential.”

“And you think that we do?”

“I did until this moment. Araz has gone too far. Hurting you this way.” His jaw tightened. “It is unacceptable.”

“I’m not hurt.” My voice came out thick with emotions.

“Then why are you crying?” He lightly touched my wet cheek.

I swiped at the traitorous tears. “I’m tired, that’s all.”

He nodded. “Yes. It has been a long day. You should sleep now.” He helped me to lie down and covered me with a thick blanket. “I’ll be right here.” He leaned in and kissed my head, then made to retreat.

“Pashim?”

“Yes, Leela?”

“Will you… will you hold me till I fall asleep?” I held my breath because maybe it was asking too much, but I needed it. I needed the comfort of an embrace.

He sighed wistfully. “It would be my pleasure.”

He settled behind me, his arm around my waist, chin resting on my head. The heat from his skin penetrated the material of my shirt, soothing my tense muscles.

I relaxed in increments, my limbs growing heavy. “Ravi told me that Briella might not make the labyrinth.”

“Yes. I heard.” His words vibrated against my back.

“I know you said it’s not my fault, but it is. I lost my temper. I wanted to hurt her.” Pashim didn’t say anything, so I continued, “I haven’t lost my temper like that in…well, a long time. I used to be angry all the time when I was younger. It would churn inside me, desperate to be free. I think it was because of the bullying and the isolation…” Why was I telling him this?

“Go on.”

Did I want to go on? Did I want to remember? The words spilled from my lips, making my decision for me. “I was fifteen when I met Darren. He was new to the school, and he took an interest in me. He didn’t seem to care that I had no friends or that people called Nani a witch. You’d think the whole thing would have died out by the time I got older, but Nani…well, she had her quirks, like herb picking in the moonlight. People saw her, and they talked. Anyway, Darren didn’t seem to care, and we grew close. I thought he loved me and then…” My pulse quickened. “He invited me to a picnic at lovers point, a cliffside spot where people went to…to make out.”

“Make out?”

“Kiss and…things…”

“Ah… Go on.”

“I wore my best outfit. Did my hair, even wore a little makeup, but when I got there, he wasn’t alone. There were others from my class with him. The girls and boys that had made fun of me. They’d been waiting to see if I turned up. It was all a joke. A bet to see if he could entice me to…” My throat pinched as I recalled that moment and the soul-crushing disappointment followed by the surge of white-hot rage. “ They laughed at me and…so did he. I lost my shit. I ran at him and shoved him. He fell twenty feet to the ledge below. He was in a coma for a week. He almost died. I almost killed him over a prank.”

“It sounds to me that he deserved to be punished,” Pashim said. “His actions were deliberately cruel. He broke your heart, and you broke his bones. An even transaction, in my opinion.”

“Maybe in this world but not in mine. The punishment did not fit the crime. My rage got the better of me. It stole my reasoning, and after that incident, I vowed to control it. To lock it down. But yesterday I failed.”

“You curbed your strength and your anger, and it caused damage. Maybe it’s time to hone them both into a weapon of battle. You are a demigod, Leela; your rage has power. It is a gift that, if used wisely, can be an asset in this world.”

His words made sense. Maybe I could use it. Hone and channel it. “How are you so wise?”

“Not wise, I just…I have seen something similar before.”

“Oh?”

He was silent for several moments before speaking. “I had a demigod once. I’m sure you’ve heard.”

I wasn’t going to lie to him. “Yes. I heard.”

“Her name was Arti. She was…formidable. Strong like you, with a temper like phoenix fire. When she came to me, she too struggled to control it, but in time…” He exhaled. “She was a warrior and would have made an excellent god.”

“She didn’t pass the labyrinth?”

“No. She died within it.”

“Wait. What?” I turned in his arms to face him. “I thought that she was killed by a pishacha.”

His gaze was flat. “Yes, she was.”

“ Inside the labyrinth?”

“There are creatures in there. Many creatures. I failed to protect her.” He took a deep breath. “It has been decades, but even now, when I sleep, sometimes I still hear her screams.”

Is that why he didn’t sleep too much? I turned onto my back so I could look at him. His eyes were dark with painful memories, but he mustered a smile for me. “I’m so sorry, Pashim.”

“Thank you.” He kissed my head and tucked me to his side. “And now that we have grown closer by sharing our trauma, we should sleep.”

I relaxed and allowed my limbs to go heavy once more.

I’d missed this kind of contact. Being held. Being…loved. I’d never have this with Araz, and in truth, I had no right to demand it of Pashim, but I’d take it for now.

Just for tonight.