Page 17 of Losing My Siren Luna (Hidden Cove #1)

I feel disoriented for a few seconds, time standing still as reality sets in.

I told him not to kiss me again earlier today, then our Lycans went ahead and did the act for us, leaving us in a very awkward position.

“I’m sorry,” he pants, his hands still resting on the sides of my face. “I was yelling at him to stop, but he just ignored me.”

I press my lips together, still feeling his warmth and moisture on them. I can’t really blame him when Val initiated it as much as Killian did.

“That’s okay,” I mumbled, pushing my body away from his and kneeling at the end of the bed, “Val is to blame as well.”

He looks disoriented and lost, almost, as he stares at me, still lying on his back on the bed. I felt self-conscious, wondering what he was thinking.

That was the first willing kiss I had ever had. The thought is wracking my brain. It may have been Val, but my body was still a willing participant. The thought is humbling, and makes my stomach feel like a bottomless pit.

Every other touch I felt before this was forced on me, and the first time my body participated in an act of intimacy, I'm confused because I truly didn't mind kissing Killian, but I don't know how I feel kissing Lachlan, who I see as a man and not the adoring child or pet his Lycan was.

“Lira, I’m sorry,” Lachlan says, probably seeing the disturbed look on my face. He sits up, looking concerned as he watches me. “I should have gotten control and stopped him sooner. It happened so fast, though, and Valerina seemed to want it, so-”

“It’s okay,” I smiled weakly at him, “I’m just…surprised,” I mumbled out, trying to shake the disturbing images from my head.

He continues to watch me, not moving like he is scared he will frighten me away.

“ I’m sorry, Ela,” Val whispered, “ I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to bring up those memories. I was just so excited to finally meet him. I won’t do it again.”

I cringe at the mention of those memories. I don’t know why the kiss triggered those images to reappear when the kiss from our wedding earlier didn’t. Maybe because I was so guarded and overcome by my hatred earlier today.

Now, I was starting to relax around Lachlan, despite trying to maintain my indifference. Not being as guarded, let those disturbing feelings and memories, that really only just happened yesterday for me, come to the forefront of my mind.

“ I don’t want to feel like this, Val. I don’t want to feel weak and helpless. Not in front of him,” I managed to mutter out to her inside my head after some time.

She whimpers, not liking the memories either. She was a prisoner inside my mind when my uncle's men abused us endlessly. It was horrifying, and the fact that a consensual kiss with Lachlan, our mate, is what triggered those disturbing thoughts from returning was like a wake up call to her as well.

“ I won’t take control again. I can wait, Ela, however long it takes for you to trust him. Just please, don’t blame him for my mistake. Don’t blame Killian.”

Her pleading for her mate takes the edge off my anxiety. I don’t want to hurt her, more than anything else, I don’t want to cause her pain or guilt.

“It’s not your fault,” I told Lachlan again.

He looks on the verge of a panic attack himself.

I tried to offer him a reassuring smile.

I don’t think it has the desired effect, though, because he looks more worried now, “I’m sorry.

I must just be overly tired from the day. I can’t seem to think straight.”

Lachlan watches my face, his concerned eyes traveling over every feature, making me feel more self-conscious.

I was thinking ill of him for having so many partners and being a loyal customer to the women of the night, when I am no better.

I may be a virgin in this rebirth, but just yesterday to me, I was going through worse things than I’m sure he had ever done.

I feel filthy all of a sudden, like I am dirty and broken once again. I hate this. I hate remembering what awaits me if I go down the same, lonely path I went through in the past. All this stemmed just from a kiss.

If he wants to do more, I don’t know how I can make it through.

Right then, the necklace that lay hidden under my nightgown around my neck started to pulse, and the comforting magic embraced me, helping to calm my racing thoughts.

“Let’s go to sleep,” Lachlan says after a while, moving off the bed and pulling the sheets and thick blanket down from the top of the bed, indicating with his extended hand that I should get under them.

I nod, grateful he’s not asking for more. He told me he wouldn’t, but after being pounced on by Killian, and then that kiss, I didn’t know what else to expect.

Val whimpers as Lachlan moves away from the bed after gently tucking the sheets and blanket around me. He’s careful not to touch us, which I am grateful for, but Val is worried he’s going to go visit those other women now.

To my surprise, and Val’s relief, he moves to the other side of the bed, sitting on its edge and taking his boots off methodically.

He looked deep in thought, staring down at the task, then breathing deeply before turning back to face me, where I was lying flat on my back under the covers.

“Good night, Lira,” he whispered, his voice thick with some kind of emotion.

He stays fully clothed, which surprises me. He’s still in the clothes he was wearing at our reception and they can not be comfortable.

He rolls over so his back is facing me as he pulls the covers to his waist. His back seemed tense, his neck muscles rigged and tight.

Did I make him mad with my reaction to him? I didn’t manage my behavior or emotions very well. He always hated it when I showed any kind of emotion in my first life.

Pain, anger, annoyance, fear; they were all met with his anger. He would berate me, calling me names or telling me how pathetic I was.

My indifference over time was the only thing that would keep him from yelling at me. If I went completely numb, not showing any emotions whatsoever, he would give me a look similar to the one he was giving me just now.

“Good night, Alpha,” I whispered so softly, I’m not sure he heard.

It was automatic. If I didn’t respond when he spoke to me in my past life, that angered him more than anything.

I’m suddenly so mad at myself. Furious.

One kiss. That’s all it took for me to revert back to the weak and vulnerable Elelira from before.

I can’t be weak. I can’t be vulnerable. I can’t let my walls come down.

I need to protect Val, but to not hurt her, I can’t hurt him.

I’m lost in what to do and furious that I’m so helpless.

I am doomed to always be weak and helpless.

The necklace once again started to almost vibrate against my chest, warmth and this sweet soothing feeling filled me.

I’m not helpless. I went through hell, but it made me stronger.

I have to survive. I desire nothing more than to protect Valerina and access our freedom so we can escape back to the sea…..

But now Val wants Killian more than anything.

I just don’t know if I can bring myself to want Lachlan, or any man in that way ever again.

~

Lachlan POV

Shit, shit, shit.

“ You tell me not to mess this up, then you go and scare her again like that!” I screamed at my Lycan in my head, facing the wall so Lira couldn’t see the anger on my face and think I was mad at her.

“ We had her! Her walls were finally coming down! Did you not learn anything after the kiss earlier? We agreed not to do that shit until she trusts us!”

“I know,” he cried weakly, terrified seeing the look on Lira’s face after she moved away from us, hurrying to kneel at the end of the bed in a meek stance.

We’ve seen that look plenty of times. We lived in war and battle all of our adult lives.

That appearance is all too common for those who survive something truly horrifying.

That was the look of terror that grips a person when nightmares that are all too real resurface, driving a person to the brink of madness and fear retakes them.

We did that. We made whatever nightmares plague her mind resurface, all from our touch.

I thought the mate bond would be enough to override my past mistakes, but I don’t know now. I don’t want to see her hurt like that ever again.

Letting her go might be better than letting her live a life filled with reminders of the horrors she once faced.

“ We never hurt her,” Killian murmurs brokenly, “ I never hurt her at all, but you only hurt her emotionally. That was not trauma from emotional pain. That was physical. It was triggered by physical touch, Lachlan.”

He’s right.

Emotional trauma is different from physical trauma. The way she was rubbing her arms, shaking slightly like she was freezing cold, despite the heat from the fire making the room almost stifling, that was how victims of torture or abuse react when triggered by some physical stimulus.

If I had yelled at her or started calling her names and she reacted like that, I would think the trauma was from me, but somehow I don’t think it is.

Then, she apologized to me.

I hate myself that she went to a place where she felt she needed to say sorry to me.

“ Valerina wanted me,” Killian whimpers, “ She wanted me, just as much as I wanted her.”

“That may be the case, but Lira isn’t there yet. She didn’t want that. She told us never to kiss her again.”

“No, she told you that, asshole,” Killian growls.

“ That was me and Valerina until you ruined it. I bet Elelira wouldn’t have even reacted like that if it was me and not you she was staring down at when she opened her eyes.

Don’t blame me because you messed up in the past. Even if you didn’t physically hurt her, you still hurt her, and you are the reason she doesn’t trust you. You don’t get to blame me for that.”

I bite down on my lips so hard I break through the skin, drawing blood. He’s right. He’s one hundred percent right, and it makes me want to scream.

I know I told Cherum I was punishing him at training in the morning for touching my mate, but I might let him rough me up instead. I deserve it, and it’s his job to protect his Luna. It's my job as well, but I don't know how to protect her from myself, or the memories that plague her.

“Good night, Alpha,” Elelira breathes out. My heart can’t take it, the brokenness in her.

She has been a beacon of strength and grace all day. This is the first time I’ve seen her acting so weak and frail.

Things were going so well too.

I rolled over to face her, longing to see her glimmering emerald eyes and the vibrant glow in her cheeks. She had already rolled away from me, though, and I was met with her slim silhouette and golden hair illuminated in the fire’s light.

She’s not sleeping yet. Her breathing isn’t even enough for that.

“I’m sorry, Lira,” I whispered. “I don’t want you to be scared of me. I’m sorry I didn’t stop my Lycan sooner.”

The sweetest sigh escapes her, and she slowly rolls back on her back and turns to face me.

Her face was no longer filled with fear. It’s back to the controlled expression she has had all day, far from the smiling face she showed Killian just moments ago.

Her walls are back up. She is back on her guard.

Shit.

“I told you, it’s not your fault. Val wanted to do it too.

I am not interested in those things, though.

I….,” she bites her bottom lip, her face looking momentarily vulnerable before the mask of control returns as she stares up at the ceiling.

“I don’t think I ever will be. I know I agreed to it if you wanted those things for the sake of keeping Mimi, but-”

“Lira,” I reach out and grab her hand, and to my amazement, she lets me, “I don’t want those things, not without your trust.”

She turns those brilliant emerald eyes to look at me, shunning me momentarily.

I want to spend the rest of my life looking into those eyes, and I hope she lets me. I hope I never again cause her to feel like she isn’t safe with me or protected by my side. I want to keep her radiant and strong, not make her weak and broken.

“Okay,” she whispers. “I’ll believe you, for now.”

For now.

Those words sting like I can’t even describe. Even Killian is wincing inside me.

With that, Lira pulls her hand from mine, rolling back to her side, away from me.

“ We have a lot of work to do,” Killian whispers. I can feel his anxiety and mournful tone, like we are losing our mate once again. “ I don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want to lose her.”

“ I’m not giving up yet,” I tell him, watching Lira’s body curl around a pillow as she tucks herself in to sleep.

Even her back is beautiful. Even if I never get to touch her more than just holding her hand, I’ll be happy with just the image of her back every night as I close my eyes and let the night take me, the image of her back being the last thing that is imprinted on my mind before going to sleep.

“ Tomorrow is a new day. We will have to make it a good one from the start,” I reminded my Lycan, “We have to show her she can trust us. We will make our first date with our mate a memorable one and show her how much she means to us.”