Page 36 of Laila Manning (Shadeport Crew #3)

H ow was it possible to be living like nothing changed, when in reality, every single thing inside of my brain was different?

Somehow, Zeke had rewired certain parts of my brain to process thoughts and feelings in a new way. A healthier way.

It was stupid in hindsight to credit mind-blowing sex with trauma healing. I knew that. But I couldn’t explain it in any other way than how feeling the ecstasy and the connection forged between us when we were in bed changed the hormones inside of my brain to just kind of—relax.

It wasn’t just the orgasms either, as earth-shattering as they were.

It was something deeper than that. I felt refreshed when I woke up and felt the sunshine streaming through the blinds.

Normally, I’d contemplate my need to get up and out of bed, trying to come up with any reason to stay buried under the blankets in my safety cocoon.

Yet today, I was up with the sun and ready to face just about anything the world tried to throw at me.

Believe me, I’d been served my fair share of shit sandwiches by the world, so that was saying something.

And stop number one for my fresh and easy-going morning—Carly.

I had seen no one since the gala, thanks to Zeke’s intent to keep me naked and screaming his name all day yesterday, not that I was complaining. But she had been going through some deep shit when I last saw her, and I wanted to check in.

Even if I knew the conversation had the potential to derail this sunshiny feeling that bloomed deep inside of me.

When I walked up her front path, I had hoped she would be on the porch, as usual, with a cup of coffee and a welcoming smile. But her chair was empty, and I felt uncertainty trying to claw its way up my neck at what that meant.

Did she not want me to visit?

Was she mad that I couldn’t deliver Jed to her like she needed at the gala?

Was she mad at me?

Before I could dwell on my insecurities and let it darken my mood, I climbed her stairs and gently knocked on her front door.

“Come in, Laila.” Carly’s voice called from inside, and I entered her serene space, something that used to cause such panic inside of me, yet lately, it only gave me mild prickles of unease.

And today, nothing.

“Hey.” I said, sliding my shoes off and nodding to her where she sat curled up on the couch with a book and a fluffy blanket. “Is it okay that I’m here?”

Her nose scrunched up, and she closed her book. “Why wouldn’t it be okay for you to be here? ”

“Well—,” I paused and sat down at the other end of the couch. “You weren’t out on the porch.” I stated plainly.

She rolled her eyes and patted my knee before tossing part of her blanket over my lap, welcoming me into her comfort. “I’m avoiding your brother.” She pursed her lips, “If I’m on the porch, he can keep eyes on me through the security cameras.”

I smirked at her wisdom, “But if you’re inside, he’s dark. Sneaky, I like it.” I relaxed on the couch. “What happened after—” I paused, not sure what to call it exactly since I wasn’t sure what she knew, “After I left the gala?”

She took a deep breath and played with a string on the blanket, “I’m not pregnant.” She shrugged her shoulders and tears welled in her blue eyes as she huffed and stared at the ceiling. “I can’t seem to stop fucking crying about it, though.”

I fought the urge to remove myself from the situation completely, and instead slid closer to her, taking her hand in mine with a gentle smile. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But I do want you to know I’ll listen if you do.”

She chuckled and rested her head on my shoulder, wrapping both arms around mine and taking a couple more deep breaths.

“I didn’t expect you to be the calm, cool, and collected one while I was having a freak out.

” She joked, “But I kind of like leaning on you.” She tapped her head against my shoulder for emphasis before sitting back upright.

“I don’t quite know why I’m sad. I didn’t want to be pregnant at the gala, the idea alone terrified me.

” She sighed, and I squeezed her hand, giving her my silent support while she worked through it.

“Yet, I think a part of me is disappointed that it was negative. Does any of that make sense?”

“You can be terrified of something and still want it.” I replied, looking down at our arms linked together.

“I used to be terrified of physical touch,” I patted her arm, “And now look at us.” She chuckled again, even as her tears slid over her lashes.

“But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t still scare the shit out of me.

It just means I’m choosing to welcome the benefits of it without dwelling on the negatives that could maybe come from it as well. ”

“Well, when you put it that way.”

“Do you know what it is about the idea of parenthood that freaks you out?” I questioned.

She shook her head, “That’s what’s weird.

I love babies, and I love little Gavin with everything inside of me.

There isn’t a day that goes by without me wanting to be involved in his everyday life, and I spend so much time with him that I can honestly say it’s not the responsibility or burden of parenthood that scares me. ”

“Then what is it?”

She looked at me with wide eyes and whispered, “I think it’s the chance of bringing a perfectly innocent little baby into this world just for it to chew them up and spit them out.

” My heart seized in my chest as I realized what her fears were, deep down.

She wasn’t na?ve about the cruelty of the world, especially the one she lived in, and after being kidnapped, trafficked, and assaulted, she was well within her rights to be terrified.

“I wouldn’t survive something bad happening to my baby, especially if it was because of the life I chose to live. ”

“I get it.” Nodding my head, I offered my complete understanding. “No one in the world will grasp your fears like I do, Carly.”

“So, you don’t think I’m crazy?” She cringed, “Or selfish?”

“Did Jed call you selfish?” I scowled at her, feeling anger building in my chest for the injustice he delivered to her trauma.

“Not in as many words.” She sighed, “He just aches to be a dad, and I’ve been able to hold him off so far with small excuses, but I think this—scare, lit a fire inside of him that made him realize he really wants a baby.”

“And if you asked him to leave the crew to dispel some of your fears in exchange?” I asked and then thought better of it, “ Can he leave the crew? Is it like a blood in, blood out thing?”

She snorted and shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t think Ryker would kill him for leaving if he wanted to. But I also don’t think he’d ever willingly leave the very thing that saved him when he was a teenager, lost, scared and all alone.”

“What a pickle.” I mused, leaning back onto the couch as she chuckled her agreement from next to me.

We sat there in silence for a while before I ended the serenity of it all with word vomit. “I saw someone at the gala.”

She looked over at me but didn’t say anything right away, giving me that supportive silence my therapist always used when she wanted me to expand on a thought without shaping it with her own words.

So, I went on. “Out of all of them,” I swallowed, and she tightened her hold on my arm. “He was the worst.” I don’t know why I felt the need to tell her, but there was a part of our relationship, a bond made in the hellhole of that place, that made me feel like she would understand.

“Is that why you fell into a panic attack?” She asked, so she must have heard something about that night.

“He didn’t know who I was.” I laid my head back against the couch and chuckled humorlessly.

“I guess I’m hard to recognize in an evening gown and not tied down to a table so he could torture me—.

” The words dried up in my throat like sand, and I closed my eyes to quell the anger and panic burning in my gut.

“I’ve never felt rage like that before.” Her sad blue eyes met mine when I opened them back up, I said, “I didn’t even recognize myself.

I don’t know what kind of scene I would have caused if Elora hadn’t rescued me from the entire situation. ”

She questioned something I wasn’t even willing to think about yet. “What were you thinking of doing?”

I hesitated, then admitted the truth. “Exposing him. Telling everyone the depths of his depravity and decaying soul. Destroying him, like he destroyed me.” As soon as that fantasy popped into my head like a bubble, my excitement deflated.

“I could never go through with it though, because in order to expose him, I’d have to expose myself.

” I clenched my teeth at the pure impossibility of the entire situation. “And I wouldn’t survive that.”

“What if—” She paused and sat forward on the couch and looked at me over her shoulder. “What if he silently paid for what he did? What if the world never knew, but you knew that justice was served?”

I regarded her, trying to understand what she was saying as darkness took root behind her usually bright blue eyes. “I don’t understand.”

She swallowed and looked at the floor, so I leaned forward to sit even with her as she carefully plotted her response.

“Frankie was my friend at one point.” She spoke of the guy responsible for her kidnapping, and while I didn’t know all the details of the ordeal, I knew he betrayed her.

“We hooked up on occasion, but it was casual. So, when I got with Jed and told Frankie I wasn’t interested in that kind of relationship with him anymore, I thought he’d be okay with it.

But he wasn’t.” She played with the tiny gold bracelet on her wrist as she talked.

“I’d never felt betrayal like that before in my life.

I thought it was going to cost me everything, and I’d have no way to even the score. ”