Page 34 of King of Ashes (Kingdom of Sinners #4)

KEIRA

I collapse onto the edge of my bed, kicking off the heels that have been pinching my feet all afternoon. For a few hours, I almost felt normal. Shopping with Lucy, Jenna, and Hannah was the closest thing to freedom I've experienced since Phoenix stormed back into my life with vengeance in his eyes.

The women were kind, surprisingly so. They didn't treat me like the enemy, didn't look at me with the same contempt Phoenix does. Even so, I’m not really a part of them and can’t believe I ever will be.

I'm a Kean. The name that once gave me privilege now brands me as something to be despised. The daughter of the man who destroyed the Ifrinn family. The blood of traitors runs through my veins and Phoenix won’t let anyone forget it, least of all me.

They have real marriages. Real children they love. I have a sham of a life, a groom who can’t stand me, and a daughter I can’t claim.

I move to my desk where the wedding plans are spread out in meticulous detail. The seating chart for fifty of Boston's most powerful families. The menu cards listing the seven-course dinner. The loyalty pledge ceremony that will precede our vows, Phoenix’s way of cementing his return to power.

And somewhere in that carefully orchestrated chaos, Nanny Fiona will slip away with Brigit. The thought makes my chest tighten. I may never see my daughter again.

The house feels eerily quiet tonight. The guards Phoenix assigned to watch me have changed shifts, and the new one seems less attentive than his predecessor.

Perfect timing to check on Brigit.

I smooth my hair and straighten my blouse, preparing a plausible excuse about needing to discuss flower girl details if anyone questions me. My heart aches knowing these stolen moments with my daughter are numbered. Soon, she'll be gone, whisked away to safety while I remain trapped with Phoenix.

Just as I reach for the doorknob, it turns on its own. I step back quickly, my pulse racing as the door swings open to reveal Phoenix standing in the hallway.

"Going somewhere?" he asks, his voice deceptively casual.

"Just stretching my legs." I should come up with a better excuse. He probably thinks I’m off to see my phantom lover.

He studies me for a moment, then steps inside, closing the door behind him. He looks tired, the hard lines of his face softened slightly by exhaustion. For a fleeting second, I glimpse the boy I once loved beneath the hardened exterior.

"Did you enjoy shopping today?" he asks, moving further into the room.

"As much as one can enjoy shopping for a wedding they never wanted," I reply, then immediately regret the honesty. "The women were kind. Kinder than I expected."

Phoenix's jaw tightens. "They're good women. My brothers are fortunate."

"Yes. They are." And I envy them.

An awkward silence stretches between us. It makes me wonder what my future sisters-in-law revealed to him.

Feeling surly, I say, "I hope they answered whatever questions you sent them to ask. Did they report back satisfactorily?"

His eyes narrow slightly. "You think I sent them to spy on you?"

"Didn't you?"

Phoenix's expression shifts, becoming unreadable.

He steps closer, hands in his pockets, casual but deliberate.

"Since you know I wanted information, was what they told me true?

Or did you lie to my brothers' wives?" There's something in his eyes, a vulnerability I haven't seen since he returned.

Almost as if he's hoping I'll confirm what they said.

I move to the window seat as for some reason it feels like a safe space. "What did they tell you?"

"That you never got over me," he says bluntly. "That you chased away suitors for years because you were waiting for me to come back."

Heat rushes to my face. Of all the things I shared with them, of course that's what they reported back. The one that reveals too much of myself to the man who already dominates me.

"Would it make a difference if it were true?" I ask.

He doesn't answer immediately, just watches me with those piercing blue eyes. "I'd like to know if anything between us was real."

The bitterness of the past decade rises in my throat. "Funny, so would I.”

His eyes narrow. “You think I didn’t care for you?”

I sigh and turn my gaze to look out the window.

“I didn't lie to them. I told them exactly what happened.

I loved you. I thought you were dead. I couldn't bring myself to love anyone else.

" I take a steadying breath and return my attention to him.

"But that doesn't change what's happening now, does it?

It doesn't change what you're doing to my family, or that I’m the target for your revenge. "

His jaw tightens. "You loved me enough to wait, but not enough to warn me about what your family was planning?"

"I didn't know!” God, how exasperating. “I don’t know how else to make you understand. I did not know what my father and Ronan were doing." I swallow hard, feeling a decade of hurt and betrayal rising to the surface.

I stand up, feeling too keyed up to sit. My hands clench at my sides as I take a step toward him. “Now you answer me. Did you ever really love me, Phoenix?"

His expression hardens. "How can you ask me that?"

"Because if you really loved me, you'd know I'd never have done the things you accuse me of." I study him, seeing the man I once loved but now wondering if he’d loved me the same. Were his words back then empty promises? After all, he didn’t die in the fire and he didn’t come back for me. He didn’t because he believed I was complicit.

"You claim you loved me so much you would have found a way for us to be together regardless of your father's wishes," I continue, unable to stop now that I've started. "But the moment you thought I betrayed you, you believed it without question. You never once considered that I might be innocent."

Phoenix's jaw tightens, his eyes flashing with something I can't quite read.

"The Phoenix I loved would have known I could never hurt him. He would have known I was locked away, powerless to warn him even if I'd known what was coming."

Phoenix's expression shifts, a mixture of anger and something else, confusion, maybe even a hint of regret.

"What did your parents tell you?" he asks, his voice suddenly quiet. "After the fire. What did they say happened?"

I close my eyes briefly, the memory still painful after all these years.

When I open them again, I force myself to meet his gaze.

"They called me downstairs and told me there had been a fire at your family's estate.

That everyone inside had died." I wish I could retreat from reliving these worst moments of my life.

"And then they told me it was my fault. I guess you have that in common with my parents.”

I turn away feeling utterly alone. Phoenix has his brothers and their wives. Even my parents have each other. But who do I have? No one. Nothing.

Phoenix goes still. "Your fault? How?"

I shake my head. I can't tell him about the pregnancy. Not now, not when Brigit's safety hangs in the balance.

"They said they did it because of me. Because of us. I didn't believe them at first. They didn’t find your body, so I kept hoping you'd survived somehow. That you'd come for me like you promised."

The pain of those days washes over me again. The endless waiting, the desperate hope that Phoenix had somehow escaped the flames.

"Every day, I waited. For months, I watched for you.

I thought about running away to find you, but they kept me locked up.

Monitored my every move." I look up at him, feeling the sting of tears I refuse to shed.

"I truly believed you were dead. That was the only explanation I could accept for why you never came for me. "

I take a shaky breath, meeting his eyes directly. "But you didn't die. You lived. And you never came back for me. You left me here to face all this alone."

I watch as something shifts in Phoenix's expression. His eyes soften, just slightly, the blue of them less icy than they've been. "I thought about coming for you."

"Then why didn't you?"

Phoenix runs a hand through his dark hair. "Everything was chaos. We barely escaped with our lives. My brothers were traumatized and I guess I was too. We knew immediately who was to blame and that we would be dead too. We had to disappear completely."

He moves to the window, staring out at the darkness beyond. "We had nothing, Keira. No resources, no allies we could trust. Coming for you would have meant exposing ourselves, risking everything."

I stand frozen, absorbing his words. All this time, I'd believed he was gone forever, when he was out there, hiding, surviving.

"And then…" He turns back to me, his expression hardening slightly. "Time passed. Days turned to weeks, then months. We built new lives, new identities. And the longer we were away, the more the resentment grew."

I can see it in his eyes. The slow poison of bitterness that transformed the boy I loved into this hardened man.

"Ten years is a long time to nurse hatred," he continues. "To convince yourself that everyone connected to the Kean name was complicit. To plan how you'd make them all pay."

I resent my parents even more, which seems impossible. But all I can see now are the years Phoenix and I might have had with Brigit if they hadn’t been stolen by my parents' ambition and cruelty.

“And so here you are. Mission accomplished. You finally get what you wanted. I hope you appreciate it, Phoenix. Most of us never get close to what we want.”

His eyes narrow. “What is it you want, Keira?”

I laugh bitterly. “I’ve given up wanting anything. What’s the point?” Of course, that’s not completely true. My only dream now is for Brigit to have a safe and happy life away from here.

“You want something. I know you do. Why are you hiding it from me?” His voice is even-keeled, but I know he’s not asking. He now has that air of authority that leaders have.

I don’t say anything.