Page 30 of King of Ashes (Kingdom of Sinners #4)

“I garden and take care of my mother. Soon, I’ll have a new little one,” Jenna blurts out like she’s wanting to change the subject. “Hannah is expecting too. And Lucy, well, they have little Flynn.”

I turn to her. “Flynn. Full circle, then.”

She nods. “We’ve all been fortunate to find love with an Ifrinn.”

I shake my head as I turn my coffee cup in my hand. “That ship has sailed for me and Phoenix.”

All eyes are on me.

“Ash said that he thought you and Phoenix once… before…”

“Blaise thought so too.”

“And Flint.” Lucy looks at me with sharp eyes. “Phoenix has never said anything, but after the display at dinner?—”

So much for the secret we thought we were keeping. And I’m wondering if this is what this little outing is about. "Is that why you're all here? To report back to your husbands about me?"

Lucy frowns.

"Phoenix sends his brothers' wives to befriend me three days before our wedding. One of whom happens to be a journalist. What am I supposed to think?"

Lucy has the grace to look embarrassed. "I'm not on assignment, if that's what you're asking."

"But you'll tell Phoenix what I say," I press. “Or tell your husbands who will tell Phoenix.”

“We won’t tell them anything that will hurt you,” Jenna says.

“But we won’t keep anything from them that could hurt them,” Lucy says, fierce protection of her husband in her tone.

Hannah puts her hand over mine. “It was Phoenix’s idea that we be bridesmaids, and I don’t know if that’s to be nice or he thinks we’ll get information. I know for my part that I want to be your friend and sister-in-law.”

It occurs to me that at one point Hannah was to marry Ronan, which would have made her my sister-in-law then too.

Jenna nods in earnest. “We’re not here to spy. We really do want to support you.”

“Especially if Phoenix is going to continue to be an asshole,” Lucy finishes.

I can’t help but laugh at that. “He wasn’t always like that.” And just like that, I’m sharing my history with them. I can’t say why. I don't fully trust them, and yet, I desperately want their friendship and support.

"Phoenix and I were young. I was eighteen and he was twenty-one, home for the summer from college. Our families were friendly then, or at least that’s what it seemed like.

” For a moment, I’m transported to the night it all started for me and Phoenix.

“His family was hosting a charity ball. Mrs. Ifrinn did a great deal to help the community.

Phoenix asked me to dance, and I remember thinking he was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen.

Dark hair, those blue eyes…" I trail off, lost for a moment.

“The Ifrinns do have it in the looks department,” Lucy says.

“Did he feel the same?” Hannah asks, her eyes a little wistful at my story.

“It felt like it. I mean, it was like instant. Like my soul was tied to his. But we had to keep it a secret. I know you think it’s old-fashioned, Lucy, but our world has rules including that I couldn’t be with a man except for one my father chose. Phoenix’s father wouldn’t approve either?—”

“What? Why?” Jenna’s brow knits together.

“Mr. Ifrinn would have wanted Phoenix to marry someone who strengthened their position, and my family wouldn’t do that. And I think by then, there was tension between them. I suspect Mr. Ifrinn had something personal against my father, who was likely pushing back and openly challenging him.”

"So you snuck around," Hannah says, leaning forward.

"Yes." I twist my napkin between my fingers. "Secret meetings in the library at his family's estate. Notes passed through trusted staff. My father got suspicious and so would lock me in my room, but Phoenix taught me how to pick locks and how to climb down a trellis without breaking my neck."

Hannah smiles. "That sounds romantic."

"It was." The ache in my chest intensifies. "We were so careful, but when you're that young and that in love… well, we probably weren’t as discreet as we thought we were being. My father found out." I don’t mention the pregnancy. That secret will now go with me to my grave.

The women exchange glances.

"What happened?" Jenna asks gently.

"My parents locked me away. Took my phone, my computer, everything. They posted guards around me 24/7 so I couldn’t sneak away. I couldn’t even warn Phoenix that my father knew." My voice catches. "The next thing I heard, the Ifrinn estate had burned down with everyone inside."

“Oh, God, how horrible,” Hannah says, her hand squeezing mine.

“I’ll never forget that night.” Jenna shudders, and it reminds me that her mother had been the gardener back then. They’d have seen the fire from the cottage where they were living.

“You thought Phoenix was dead?” Lucy asks.

I nod. “Yes, otherwise, he’d have come for me. He promised he’d take me away.”

Lucy arches a brow. “I can’t imagine your surprise when you saw him again.”

I close my eyes, feeling the shock and, for a moment, hope that he’d finally come for me. But he hadn’t. Instead, he hated me.

"My father told me it was my fault for getting involved with Phoenix. For years, I believed him. I believed I was responsible for killing the man I loved and his entire family."

“Oh, honey.” Hannah puts an arm around me. “That’s terrible.”

I seem to be on a roll. "Phoenix thinks I betrayed him, that I was part of my father's plan. But I would never. What we had was real. It was everything to me."

“Of course it was.” Jenna’s expression is equally as sympathetic.

“How could he think I was working with my father? Or that I wouldn’t have tried to stop him if I knew?” I take in a breath. “The fact that he does think that suggests he didn’t really know me, couldn’t have really loved me, right?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I’m sure what happened messed things up for him, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t love you then,” Lucy says, making me wonder if she’s on Phoenix’s side.

I shrug. “Ironic, really. I'm about to marry the man I once loved more than anything and who now can barely stand the sight of me and is using our marriage as revenge. God.” I pinch the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger. “If I’d accepted one of the men my father tried to marry me off to, I wouldn’t be in this situation. ”

“I didn’t realize you had other opportunities to marry,” Jenna says.

“My father was always trying to push someone on me. I always sabotaged the dates so they didn’t want me. The closest I got was an older widower whose wife disappeared under questionable circumstances. He dumped me after I pretended to have a psychotic episode at his family's estate."

Lucy's eyebrows shoot up. "You didn't."

"I did.”

"Why go to such lengths?" Hannah asks.

I look down because I feel like such an idiot.

All those years I grieved for Phoenix when he spent those same years planning to ruin me and my family.

“Deep down, I couldn't let go of Phoenix. Even believing he was dead, I couldn't bear the thought of belonging to anyone else. My parents called me stubborn, difficult, ungrateful. It’s the only battle I’ve ever won against them. "

I laugh. "And now here I am, getting exactly what I once dreamed of, marrying Phoenix Ifrinn. The universe has a twisted sense of humor, doesn't it?"

Lucy stares at me, her brows furrowed. "Wait—you never loved anyone else? In ten years?"

I wonder why that’s a big deal. "How could I? Phoenix was The One .”

"But you thought he was dead," Hannah says gently. "You couldn't have mourned him forever."

"Couldn't I?” I had Brigit, a piece of him. That was all I needed.

Hannah's expression shifts, a shadow crossing her face. "You know, Ash had someone before me too. Someone he loved very much."

My stomach tightens. I've heard rumors about Ash's past, about a woman who died in the same fire that took his parents.

"Her name was Meghan. She died in the fire. Like you, he spent the last ten years grieving and feeling guilty.”

The air feels suddenly thin. My father's work. My family's crime. Another life destroyed because of the Keans.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper, the words painfully inadequate.

Hannah gives me a wan smile. "I'm not telling you this to make you feel worse. I'm telling you because he found love again. He still loves and mourns Meghan, but he loves me now too. It’s different, I think, but still wonderful.”

And my father nearly took her away from Ash as well. God, no wonder Phoenix hates all of us.

“It’s not quite the same, though, is it? I mean, I won’t find another love because I’ll be married to Phoenix.”

“Yeah, that sucks,” Lucy says, shaking her head.

"The worst part was believing I caused his death. All their deaths. That my love for him was what killed him." I take a shaky breath.

"Did you ever try to tell him the truth?" Jenna asks.

"Would you believe me if you were him?" I counter. "After ten years of hating me? After believing I helped murder his parents?" I shake my head. "Besides, he's not interested in the truth. He wants revenge. He wants to make an example of me."

"So why go through with it?" Lucy challenges. "Why marry him?"

“You aren’t from our world, are you?”

“I live on earth in the Twenty-First Century.” Lucy purses her lips at me.

“Yes, well, our world is more archaic. The truth is, I didn’t have a choice.”

“God, when I saw you at dinner… The way you kept your head held up high, I thought you were amazing,” Jenna said. “You don’t have a choice but you weren’t going to let him bring you down.”

“I liked it when you threw your champagne in his face.”

I smile. “Yeah, well, that sort of behavior isn’t smart.”

“It’s Phoenix who isn’t smart. I imagine if he’d see the truth, you and he could have something special,” Lucy says.

I shake my head. “When pigs fly.”

“I don’t know. I mean, I never thought Ash would be anything but cold and difficult,” Hannah says.

"What changed?" I ask, almost afraid to hear the answer, afraid to hope.

“Patience. Eventually, he had to make a choice between holding onto his pain or reaching for something new." She smiles, her hand moving to her belly where her child grows. "He chose life. Chose love."

Could Phoenix make that same choice? Could I? It seems impossible.

"I don't know if Phoenix can let go of his anger at my family. Even if he could see I wasn’t a part of betraying him, he can’t look at me and not see a Kean.”

“Well, then he’s an idiot.” Lucy flicks her hand like she’s swatting a gnat away.

“Let’s talk about something else. Tell me about little Flynn, and Jenna and Hannah, about your pregnancies.”

I’m relieved when they eagerly change the subject.

I’m grateful for their kindness even if I’m still wary of it.

Having female friends feels odd after years of isolation.

My marriage will be a cold and difficult one, but these women as sisters-in-law could be a bright spot.

They won’t replace the emptiness I’ll feel when Brigit is gone, but they’ll be a distraction.

A way to cope through a long, unhappy life with Phoenix.