Page 26 of King of Ashes (Kingdom of Sinners #4)

KEIRA

I stare at the endless lists spread across the table—florists, caterers, decorators, invitations. My head pounds as I try to focus on wedding preparations that feel more like funeral arrangements. The tablet Phoenix gave me blinks with unanswered emails from vendors demanding immediate decisions.

"He wants a loyalty pledge ceremony," I mutter, massaging my temples. "As if a forced marriage isn't humiliating enough."

My fingers hover over the seating chart. How will I be able to face these families again after what Phoenix did at dinner? But that humiliation isn’t as bad as wondering why the hell I had sex with him last night.

My body still tingles from the encounter despite how wrong it was.

For those brief moments with Phoenix, I let myself believe we were those young lovers again, sneaking around and dreaming of forever.

His hands remembered every curve, every spot that makes me gasp.

My body betrayed me, responding to his touch like no time had passed at all.

And for a heartbeat, I wanted to tell him everything. About Brigit. About the pregnancy.

But once the orgasms were done, he was out of my bed and once again accusing me of having a lover.

"Stupid," I whisper, pressing my palms against my eyes. "So stupid."

It’s a reminder that I need to focus on getting Brigit safely away before Phoenix discovers who she really is. One night of passion changes nothing. If anything, it makes everything more dangerous. Phoenix may own me, but he will never own my daughter.

I knock softly on Brigit's door, steeling myself for the heartbreak ahead. My sweet girl sits cross-legged on her bed, surrounded by colored pencils and sketches for "our" wedding. The innocence in her eyes nearly breaks me.

"I like this one for your bouquet," she says, holding up a drawing of wildflowers tied with ribbon. "They're like the ones you used to pick for me when I was little."

I sit beside her, memorizing every detail of her face. She has my eyes, but I can see Phoenix in her as well. My chest tightens. How can I send her away when she's been my entire world for ten years?

"Those are perfect," I say, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“When you’re married are you going to have babies?”

I jerk, taken off guard by the question.

“I… ah…” It’s then I realize that Phoenix didn’t use a condom last night.

I close my eyes that I may be in the situation I was in ten years ago.

Did he come to my room for the purpose of claiming me, but also insuring my loyalty by making a child? He did say he wanted kids.

“Because that would be fun. I could help you.”

God, I love this kid. “You’d be a great big sister.”

She looks up at me and her smile is so full of light. “I’m not really your daughter, but I could be like one. Sometimes, I pretend you’re my mom.”

I hate that I can’t tell her the truth. “I like being like your mom.”

Brigit gives me one of her sweet smiles and then returns to drawing. “Mr. Ifrinn isn’t so bad. He’s just grumpy.”

My brow furrows. “Have you seen him?”

She looks at me, her eyes wide and round like she realized she revealed too much. “I was hungry and went to the kitchen. He made me a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.”

For a moment, I’m panicked. I can’t have her growing attached to Phoenix. Worse, having her front and center in Phoenix’s mind. “That was nice of him, but honey, you need to avoid him. He’s a dangerous man.”

“Then why are you marrying him?”

“It’s best for the family.” I hate to take away her childhood ideals of true love, but I can’t lie to her either. “But I’ll protect you, sweetie. I promise. Just please, avoid Phoenix, okay?”

She shrugs. “Okay.”

Nanny Fiona enters with Brigit’s lunch. “Oh, I’m sorry. I should have grabbed something for you too.”

“No. It’s okay. I’d like to talk to you for a moment.”

Nanny Fiona gets Brigit set up to eat at her little table with her dolls to keep her company.

A shadow passes the doorway, one of Phoenix's men, always watching. Always listening. “Over here,” I say, moving to the closet and acting like I’m talking about Brigit’s wardrobe.

“Were you able to get the book?” I ask. It’s now more important than ever to get Brigit safely away from Phoenix.

She nods. “I’d feel better if you were coming.”

“It would be too dangerous. With everything Phoenix has going on, I think it will take him time to notice you and Brigit gone, but here I can keep an eye on him, warn you if needed.” Worried I’m asking too much, I say, “But if you don’t want to do this?—”

“I do want to do this. I just… she loves you so much and I know you love her. It will break her heart to leave.”

I fight back tears. “It has to be done. Here are the wedding arrangements.” I hand her a paper which if found would look like a schedule for the wedding, but coded with instructions on how and when Nanny and Brigit leave using one of the hired vendors as cover.

“You’ll need to lie to her to get her to go. ”

She nods. “I know. Hopefully, she’ll forgive me.”

“I’ll have a letter you can give her.” I hope it will be enough for her to forgive me as well. “Take her to Switzerland. My father had an old contact there who can help you get new identities. After that, disappear." My voice cracks. "Don't tell me where. It's safer if I don't know."

I pull out a small flash drive. "This has her birth certificate, medical records, everything you'll need. I haven’t gotten her passport yet, but I will.”

"The guards watch you constantly," Fiona whispers. "How will?—"

“Phoenix needs to go to my father’s downtown office if he plans to truly take over. I’ll figure out a way to get into the study and my father’s safe. I need you to be ready and have Brigit ready by the wedding, but she can’t know. We can’t risk her saying something to the wrong person.”

Fiona's eyes fill with tears.

"Once you're gone, don't contact me. Not until it's safe." I swallow hard. "If it's ever safe."

"She'll miss you terribly."

"Tell her…" My throat tightens. "Tell her I love her more than my own life. That everything I've done has been for her."

“What happens when he realizes we’re gone?”

I have no idea. Best case scenario, he won’t care. Two less people to worry about. "I'll face whatever comes." Remembering one more thing, I reach into my pocket and pull out a locket. “Give this to her when the time is right.”

Nanny Fiona sniffs as she looks into the locket to see two pictures—one of me just after Brigit was born, and one of baby Brigit. I’d had them taken just before I returned home after giving birth. I needed the pictures in case they sent her away.

That night, as I get ready for bed, I stare at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I’m not the young, na?ve woman I was when Phoenix and I conceived Brigit. I see a strong, determined woman on the verge of breaking, not because of Phoenix’s punishments, but at losing my child.

I’m proud of my strength even as I resent having to access it. But I've made my decision. The only way to ensure Brigit's safety is for me to remain here with Phoenix, keeping his focus firmly on me and away from my daughter's trail.

Being with him isn’t about love or hoping to find the man I once wanted to spend my life with. I can't afford wishing for fairy tales. This is about survival. About ensuring Brigit has a safe, fulfilled life away from the violence and vengeance now filling this house.

I’ll do my part and be the wife every Mob leader wants. And I’ll do it willingly because every moment I spend in his presence, every time I endure his touch or his rage, will be a moment he’s not hunting for Brigit.

Chances are Phoenix won't miss Brigit when she's gone. She's just a child he barely knows. Hampton's goddaughter, nothing more to him. The thought is both relief and knife-twist. My daughter means everything to me and nothing to her own father. How bitterly fitting.

It breaks my heart that Brigit won’t know I really am her mother. Not one she needs to pretend about. But I've spent ten years pretending she isn't mine. What's a lifetime more of the same lie? At least she'll be free.

I step out of the bathroom and climb into bed. I lie awake, staring at shadows dancing across the ceiling. My body is exhausted, but my mind races. I hope I’ve planned this right. I hope I’ve anticipated all the areas it could go wrong and made contingencies.

Am I doing the right thing? What if something goes wrong? What if Phoenix discovers them before they can escape?

I curl onto my side, pulling my knees to my chest like I did as a child when the world felt too overwhelming.

How ironic that all I’ve ever done was try to give Brigit a life in which she didn’t have to know this feeling.

I wanted to give her everything I never had. Safety, unconditional love, freedom.

Instead, I'm sending her away with nothing but cash, fake documents, and a nanny who loves her like family but isn't her mother.

God, I hate my parents for this. For all of it. For forcing me to hide my pregnancy, for making me pretend my own child wasn't mine, for murdering Phoenix's family and blaming it on me. They took everything from me. My love, my future, my right to be a mother to my own child.

And Phoenix… I hate him too. For not believing in my love ten years ago.

For thinking I’d betray him after I gave all of myself to him.

For not recognizing that I never stopped loving him, not for a single day in ten years.

For being so consumed by revenge that he can’t see that we could have had a second chance… a chance he ruined.

I wonder what my life would be like if Phoenix could find his way back to the man he once was. The boy who looked at me like I was the center of his world.

What if we could build something real from these ashes?

If the hatred in his eyes could soften to forgiveness.

If the cruelty could melt away to reveal the tender heart I once knew.

Would we wake up on Sunday mornings with Brigit bouncing on our bed, demanding pancakes?

Would Phoenix help her with homework and teach her to stand tall against the world's cruelties?

I close my eyes and let myself imagine a future where Phoenix knows Brigit is his daughter. Where instead of rage, he feels wonder. Where he holds her small hand in his and sees himself reflected in her eyes. Where the three of us become the family we were always meant to be.

In this dream, Phoenix's laugh returns, that full-bodied sound I haven't heard since we were teenagers sneaking kisses in his father's library. The darkness that haunts him fades in the light of our daughter's smile.

But dreams are for children and fools. And I stopped being either long ago.

Even if by some miracle he could find his way back to himself, how could I ever trust him with my heart? Or with Brigit? How could I risk her happiness, her safety, on the chance that his love for her might overcome his hatred for my family?

I press my palm against my heart, feeling it break all over again. Some losses cut too deep to ever heal properly. This one, losing Brigit, losing the future we might have had, will bleed inside me until the day I die.