Page 58 of Kilgannon #1

“Not enough.” He looked at me from under his bushy eyebrows.

“We see an ugly chain, lass. First Argyll and the others sold Scotland and put us in this godforsaken Union; now we’ll have a German ruling us and the Whigs, who have no love for us.

What’s next? Are we to be beaten into the ground like the Welsh?

I never thought to see this. Begging yer pardon, lass, but England and its monarchs have rarely done well by Scotland.

And I can see no remedy. As ye say, we have no choice, but as we say, we dinna have to enjoy the experience.

” He stalked off and I looked after him.

I forgot Angus’s words and Alex’s worries as spring arrived and we were at last able to be outdoors again.

The tasks filled the days, but I was joyous as I worked, for I was with child again.

If I carried this baby full term it would be born at the end of September.

I wondered if I could hostess the Games and then calmly give birth a month later but decided not to think that far ahead.

We celebrated our first anniversary with music and a hall full of people but no dancing and the tamest lovemaking we’d had, for Alex was determined to give this child every chance of surviving.

The letter that Lachlan had warned of never arrived in Kilgannon, and I was not sure if Alex was relieved at the reprieve or annoyed at being overlooked.

In any case, Alexander MacGannon’s signature was not requested and he never agreed to accept Sophia as Anne’s heir.

I suspected that Anne had never intended that her half brother James inherit.

The fact that James Stewart was male and the true heir, if one believed in primogeniture, was discussed at length.

I watched as Alex listened to the talk about whether the first son should always inherit, and I knew he was thinking of his brother.

We had heard nothing from Malcolm, and Alex had not written to him.

He was rarely mentioned and I forgot about him, but I knew Alex never forgot.

In early June Alex got a letter from his agent in London that hinted at information to be passed, and Alex grew steadily more tense.

He and Angus conferred about it for hours, reaching no conclusions but unable to drop the topic.

We had canceled our proposed trip to London because of my pregnancy, but I suggested to Alex that he go without me to visit his agent since William Burton seemed incapable of simply writing whatever it was he had to tell.

Alex refused, and I wondered sometimes whether he would have been just as happy to have never received the letter.

As for me, I had no doubt what the information was.

I was certain that it was confirmation that Malcolm and the captain of the Diana had plotted to have her appear to sink while the two of them split the profits of the trip.

Or that the attack on us had been traced to Malcolm.

I never discussed my theories with anyone, for fear of starting a trail of arguments with Alex again, but I knew both Alex and Angus suspected the same.

And then in the middle of June, a week before the summer solstice, I lost this child as well.

I had stood in May with Alex on Beltane morning and watched the bonfires burn on the hills surrounding us as he explained the custom and the ancient beliefs.

I had marveled then that these people could harbor such primal fears and superstitions.

But at dawn six weeks later, on the summer solstice, I admitted to myself that if I had thought the ceremonies taking place in quiet glens and meadows would help me keep a child, I would have joined the celebrants without a qualm.

Last year, I knew, these same dates had been celebrated, but I had been too new to Scotland and too enraptured with my new life to notice that half the staff and most of the clansmen were nowhere to be found.

And that they returned, exhausted, to stumble through the day.

Alex turned a blind eye to these celebrations, although, he explained to me, he did not believe in the old superstitions or customs.

“But, lassie” he’d said. “I’ve been educated and I ken that there’s a world beyond Kilgannon.

Some of these people have never been off MacGannon land and will never see anywhere else.

I willna take away their customs. As long as they dinna harm anyone it’s best to let them follow the old ways as well.

Now, if they decide to start sacrificing humans again, we’ll have to discuss it.

” He had laughed at my expression, then shrugged.

“I have two choices. Leave them as they are and try to change the little things, or get their backs up and nothing will ever change and we’ll always be doing things as our great-great-grandfathers did.

I decided years ago to change the small things and let them have their beliefs.

It’s a compromise, lass, and one I can live with.

They’ll listen to my ideas for new crops or something else to try, but I’d better not tell them what to think.

” He grinned at me. “Of course, I am open to all new ideas and suggestions myself, so I dinna understand their resistance.” I had shaken my head and decided not to think about how very different this was than London.

London. I had wanted so much to visit. And on the day that I lost this latest child, as I stared at the bed hangings and waited for Alex to come to me, I decided that the best thing for me was to go home.

No, not home anymore, I corrected myself, for Kilgannon was home now.

But I wanted to go to London, to hear only English, to eat food I relished, to visit with friends, to see a play or an opera.

But most of all I wanted to see Louisa. And a doctor.

Alex exploded into the room, his expression alarmed, and I burst into tears at the sight of him.

I didn’t have to tell him what had happened.

He gathered me to him, his tears mingling with mine at this new loss.

Later I asked him to take me to London as we had originally planned.

After his worried comments about whether it was wise for me to travel, I told him I wanted to see a doctor and my aunt. We left three days later.