Page 48 of Kilgannon #1

We stood in silence then while I thought of all he’d told me. And what a difference it made. “Why didn’t you tell me, Alex? Before the trial, after the trial, even last night, why didn’t you tell me?”

Alex shook his head. “I dinna ken, Mary. I dinna want to go through it again, and then, when ye were so angry, I was even more angry that ye could consider me a barbarian when I was trying to stop men like Allen and his brothers.” He shrugged.

“I guess I thought that ye should ken I would behave properly. I guess I thought ye’d believe that of me no matter what.

I thought ye’d trust me to—” His words, spoken so calmly and quietly, undid me.

I went to him, full of guilt, and knelt at his side.

“Oh, Alex. I should have known there was more. I’msorry.”

He pulled me up and onto his lap, holding me against him.

“It’s no’ yer fault, Mary Rose. I dinna mean to withhold the story.

I just thought.… och, lass, I dinna ken what I thought.

I just acted. When Murreal asked me to avenge her sister and her niece and Tavis, I dinna think on it further.

” He raised his eyes to mine. “I’msorry for not telling ye the truth of it, Mary, but I’ll never be sorry for ridding the world of the likes of Allen.

That part was rightly done, even if for the wrong reasons. ”

“But having the boys watch …”

“Aye. I dinna ken anymore if that was good. I’ve talked to them, and I fear I may have replaced die old nightmare with a new one.

But at least they kent their da dinna let the monster man come to set them afire.

And that’s what I was thinking, Mary, to protect my boys.

And the clan. And, aye, to let Thomas and Murreal have their revenge.

And me mine. And that’s why, when I found ye here and ye called me vindictive, I … ” He shook his head.

“Alex, you should have told me.”

He nodded. “Probably.” And met my eyes. “But I dinna, lass, and it’s done the now.”

“Yes,” I said, and slowly rose from his lap. “You’re right. There’s no changing what has happened.” He nodded, watching me, his expression growing colder as he stood. I looked out over the water, trying to sort out my thoughts.

“Let’s go then,” he said over his shoulder as he strode away.

“Alex,” I said heatedly. He turned with a wary expression and faced me. “Where are we going?”

“Where do ye wish to go, Mary?”

“Home.”

He nodded. “Aye, well, then there’s much to do.”

“What? What is there to do?”

“Readying the ship—”

“Alex, you damned fool! Let’s go to Kilgannon, not London.” He didn’t move but looked at me for a long moment, then over my head at the sea beyond. “Alex,” I said in a softer tone. “Let’s sort this out together. Trust works both ways, you know.”

His eyes met mine. “What do ye mean?”

“You assumed that I was ending this marriage because I left your bed for a while to sort things out in my head, that I despised you and wanted to go back to London. Right?”

He slowly nodded. “Aye, that’s what I thought.”

“I was confused, Alex, and I was angry. I thought I knew you and Thomas and Murreal and Angus, but suddenly none of you were acting like the people I knew, and it made no sense to me. I needed time to think it through.” I took a deep breath.

“Alex, I love you, and I fear that even if you were a bloodthirsty savage I would still love you. I wouldn’t stay with you, but I’d love you. ”

“Ye thought I was a bloodthirsty savage.”

“No. But I didn’t know who you were. And I came here to think.

Alex, look at you.” He gave me a puzzled look.

“You’re huge. You’re beautiful. You’re a very intense man.

You dominate every room, every group, every moment when you’re with me.

And when you pulled me out of your mother’s bed and back to ours, I was furious that you could do that.

I could not think straight when I was lying in bed next to you.

I left so that I could sort things out in my mind without you—just by being there—dominating me again.

” I waved my hand at the yard around us.

“As for trusting you, I have already proven myself. Do you not understand how foreign all this is to me? I trusted you enough to give up everything I knew, everyone I loved, to come here to this unknown place just to be with you. With you, Alex. Not your money, not your looks, nor your title nor anything else. You. I don’t know how I could demonstrate my love or my trust better than that.

So don’t assume that I’mending this marriage.

If it’s over, it’s because you choose it to be.

I love you, Alex, and I want to be your wife; But I want you to talk to me.

Even about unpleasant things. Talk to me.

Explain it to me. If I still don’t understand, I’ll tell you. But trust me enough to tell me.”

His expression had changed from puzzled to guarded to thoughtful as I spoke. Now he watched me silently and then nodded. “I love ye, Mary Rose,” he said. “And I’msorry.”

“You’re sorry you love me?”

He smiled then and extended his hand to me. “No, lass, I’msorry I dinna tell ye the story. It caused all this, my silence, and I’msorry for that.”

“So am I, my love,” I said, taking his hand. He drew me to him and wrapped his arms around me with a sigh. “Take me home, Alex,” I said.

“Aye, Mary Rose,” he said. “I will.” And he kissed me .

Later that afternoon, after we’d ridden back to the castle in harmony and been greeted without comment by Angus and Thomas, I stood alone on the top terrace and stared across the meadow to where the three brothers still hung, hidden now by the trees.

I wondered how a man could rationalize actions such as theirs, how they could have been so brutal.

I was still pondering when I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to meet Murreal’s eyes.

“Mary,” she said.

“Oh, Murreal,” I cried. “I didn’t know. Alex told me today what happened to your sister and niece. I didn’t know.”

She nodded. “He told me. I thought ye kent, Mary, or I would have told ye myself. Dinna fret, lassie.” She gestured to the meadow.

“I’mmore at peace with it since I ken he’ll no’ come back again.

” I nodded. “My sister is avenged. My niece is avenged. And my brother-in-law’s shade can rest now.

I ken it’s passing strange to ye, coming as ye do from England, but I feel as though it’s finally over.

” I nodded again and tried to put myself in her place.

If Betty had been killed and Will and their child injured, would I want the life of their attacker?

Part of me shouted yes, and I turned to Murreal and met her eyes again, humbler now.

“It’s not as strange as you might think,” I said, and Murreal gave me a sad smile.