Page 27 of Kilgannon #1

T HIS WAS AN ALEX I’D NEVER SEEN, PALE AND WEARY , A bleak expression in his eyes. He looked as though he hadn’t slept in days. “Mary,” he said, “how much did ye hear?”

“Enough.” I moved to the fireplace, then glanced at him. “I want to thank you for the cloak, Alex. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”

“Yer welcome.” He looked out the window, then back to me. “Mary, I … It’s good to see ye.”

I felt my cheeks flush. “And you, Alex. How have you been?”

“Fine.” He shook his head. “No, lass, that’s not true.” He met my eyes, then turned abruptly away. We can’t make this work , I thought. We both want to, but we can’t .

“How was your Christmas?” I asked quietly.

He went to the window and stood looking out. “Lonely.”

“Mine too,” I said, and took a deep breath. “Alex, I’m very sorry for the way I behaved the last time I saw you.” He turned to me in surprise. “I hope you will forgive me.” I watched as his expression grew warmer.

“Forgive ye, lass? It’s ye who should forgive me.”

“You’ve done nothing that needs forgiving. The fault is mine. You saved my life, Alex, and you thought I still needed protection. I understand that now.”

He nodded. “Mary,” he said, taking a step toward me and then stopping.

“I’m sorry for the things I said to ye, lass.

It’s true, I wasna thinking of the spot I’d put ye in by taking ye with me.

I dinna mean to make ye the sport of London.

Ye must ken that, Mary. I would not have had ye face that alone. ”

“Who told you that I did?”

“Yer brother wrote to me often. He’s kept me abreast of… of what’s been happening with ye.”

“I see,” I said, remembering Will’s behavior of late. His anger with Robert had not dissipated as I had thought. “I wrote to you as well,” I said. “Months ago. Did you get my letter?”

“Aye.” He started to say something, then pressed his lips together.

There seemed nothing else for me to say then.

He’d gotten my letter and chosen to ignore it.

I nodded. “Lass,” he said, his voice gentle.

“I thought I was doing the best thing by not responding to ye. I thought ye wanted me out of yer life and that it was for the best.”

“So I wrote to you because I wanted you out of my life?”

He made a futile gesture. “It made sense at the time.”

“You were still hurt.”

He met my eyes, then nodded. “Aye, and fair angry as well.”

“And now?”

He looked over my head. His cheekbone stood out in sharp relief against the dark shutter behind him. “I’ve not been angry for some time, Mary.”

“Alex, why are you here?” I almost whispered the question.

“Why am I here?” Blue eyes met mine. “Will wrote that ye’ve starting seeing Robert again and that yer considering marrying him.

And he wrote me about Robert’s mother asking him to wait until June.

” He paused as his cheeks colored. “To be sure that ye were not carrying my child. I canna tell ye how angry I was then and… and it was then that I stopped lying to myself. So I thought I’d come and see ye and discover where we stand.

We dinna part on the best of terms, lass, if ye remember.

But I’ve been to London and Grafton and Mountgarden looking for ye and used up all my time.

I must go home now.” My eyes filled with tears and I could not speak.

He moved closer and his tone was tender.

“Mary, why do ye cry? Have I made ye angry again? I dinna mean to make ye cry.”

“No.” I shook my head. “No, I’m not angry. Oh, Alex, I missed you so.” I could not say more, and his arms flew around me. I clung to him, my face buried in his shoulder.

“Mary, Mary,” he said into my hair. “I had to see ye once more. We must talk. I couldna believe it when Robert’s man said ye wouldna see me.” He leaned back to look into my face and brushed the hair back from my cheek.

“I would never refuse to see you,” I said. “I did not know you were coming. I saw Angus and Matthew in front of the house and I came to find you.”

He kissed my forehead gently. “Come, lass, come sit with me.” He led the way to the chairs pulled in front of the empty fireplace.

“I kent you were here for several more days and by the time ye returned to London I would be gone, so, Campbell or no, I came to talk to ye.” He glanced at the door.

“Ye heard Robert and me arguing?” I nodded.

He leaned back, the lost expression on his face again.

“Despite what I said to him, he’s correct about much of it.

I dinna ken what to do now,” he said softly.

He stared at the floor, deep in thought, and I watched him for several minutes.

“Alex?” I said at last. “Do you care for me at all?”

His head lifted. “Do I care for ye? Mary, have I not been proposing since the night we met? Have I not had the devil of a time keeping my hands off ye? Have I not told ye how I love ye?” I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak.

“No? I havena? No? Truly? Well, I do.” He knelt in front of my chair and took my hands in his.

“Mary Lowell, I love ye, lass, and I suspect I always will. How is it ye dinna ken this? Have I not told ye in every way? Curse me for a fool if ye dinna ken it. ”

“And I love you, Alex. I have from the first, but I didn’t know what you intended. You never said you loved me. You never proposed.”

“I mentioned it fifty times. Ye never said yes, and I was beginning to bore myself. I told ye I was courting ye. I thought ye kent my mind. What did ye think I meant by that if not marriage?”

“You mentioned marriage, yes. Proposed, no.”

“How could ye not know how I feel? I’ve been miserable these last months thinking of ye with Robert, thinking that’s what ye wanted for yer life. I couldna get ye out of my mind.”

“Nor I you.” I pressed my hand to my mouth and tried to force back the tears. “Alex, I missed you so—”

His arms were around me then, and he lifted me against him as he stood.

“Mary,” he said into my neck, “I couldna stop thinking about ye, about yer beautiful body and …” He raised his head to watch me.

“And about how ye responded to me.” I felt my cheeks go scarlet.

“No, lass,” he said, shaking his head. “Dinna think badly of yerself. It’s a good thing.

I’m thinking it bodes well for us. But, Mary, I dreamed of ye, of having ye in bed and of finishing what we began on the brig.

” He kissed me then, deeply and completely, and I met him in kind.

“Mary,” he said, almost savagely, and lifted me against him, then shook his head and stepped back.

“I canna do this, lass.” He moved away from me, straightening his clothing and taking deep breaths.

“You cannot kiss me, Alex?”

“I canna stop, Mary. If we go on I willna. It’s best we stop here.

” He ran his hands through his hair and looked at the fireplace.

I brushed my own hair into some order, then smoothed my dress, still feeling the warm, exciting sensations Alex’s intimate caresses had evoked.

I pressed my hands to my cheeks and found them flaming.

My whole body was hot, and I threw open the window. Behind me, Alex laughed wryly .

“There’s only one solution for this, Mary lass, and this is neither the time nor the place.” He moved closer. “But at least we ken ye’ll be an apt student.”

“I beg your pardon,” I said primly, and he laughed again.

I watched the weight of his cares lift for just a moment and thought, This man loves me.

He has killed for me, and right now I’d kill for him .

It was a sobering thought. There were parts of me I’d not known. “Alex,” I said, “must you leave?”

He nodded. “I have no choice, lass. I must get home. But I will return if ye’D have me. Ye ken that.”

“I know no such thing,” I said, taking his hands in mine.

“Mary, have I not told ye from the first day? It will be as ye wish. If ye wish me to return, I will. If not, I won’t.”

“How can you say you love me if you’D leave me so easily?”

He shook his head. “Yer a one. I dinna say it would be easy to leave ye. I said I’d do it if that’s what ye wished. I’ll no’ beg ye to love me if ye don’t, Mary. I dinna beg. But I’ll love ye ’til I die. It’s that simple. Now why are ye crying?”

“I’m happy.” I tried to smile.

He shook his head in wonder. “Yer happy.”

I nodded. “Oh, Alex, why do you have to go? Why can you not stay here, at least for a few days?”

“With Robert Campbell? I dinna think he’D invite me.”

“No,” I said. “In London. No, not in London,” I corrected myself, and met his eyes. “Someone in London does not wish you well. Stay with us at Mountgarden.”

He shook his head. “I canna, lass, much as I’d like to.

If I had my way I’d steal ye off with me, but I canna do that either.

Ye dinna like it much last time I tried that.

” He gave me a crooked smile. “I must go home. I’ve some sorting out to do.

” He frowned at himself. “Ye ken that things have been difficult for us lately. Strange things have been happening.”

“What things?”

“Well, do ye not think it strange that the first time I charter a ship to another captain it goes down without a trace? We spent weeks in Cornwall trying to discover what happened, and we’re no closer to the truth.

We could find nothing except for the three crewmen who swear she sank, and they each tell different stories.

How do I ken the boat even sank? It could be in the Mediterranean for all I ken. I’m still puzzling it out.”

“Someone knows.”

“Aye. Someone does. I’ll discover it eventually.”

“That’s why you have to leave?”

“Not just that.” He sighed and looked above my head. “There was a problem at home. It’s trouble in the clan, Mary.”

“First your boat and now this. You’ve had a difficult month.”

“Aye,” he sighed. “Not a few weeks I’d like to repeat. But” —he straightened his shoulders—” I have no choice. I must be there. I should have left a week ago.”