Page 28 of Kilgannon #1

“What is it, Alex? Surely it cannot be as bad as you think. Tell me and I will judge for myself.”

He shook his head and looked at me, his eyes very blue. “I am a fool for telling ye this, Mary Lowell. I’m verra afraid it will cost me ye. I want ye to ken I love ye, lass, and despite what Robert Campbell says, I dinna have a clan full of savages.”

“What is it, Alex?”

“One of the clansmen was murdered in his house.”

“No! How horrible! Who—”

“I dinna ken, lass, and that is why I have to go home at once. I will find the murderers.”

I stared at him in horror. “Dear God! This is terrible.”

“Aye.” He watched my reaction.

“What will you do?”

“I must go home and sort it out, lass. It’s no’something I’m looking forward to doing, but only I can do it. So I canna stay. I will discover the truth of it, and I will punish whoever did it.”

“How will you punish them? ”

“We’ll try them, and if they’re guilty we’ll hang them.”

I stared at him. “You’D put them to death?”

“Perhaps.” He met my look unflinchingly.

“You can do this? You have that power?”

“The power and the responsibility, Mary. When a clansman is killed I have to act. I canna allow such lawlessness. We would be savages if such a thing were unpunished.” I shook my head to clear it.

If I were to marry him, what kind of life would I be going to?

Was Robert right? Alex’s life was far more violent than any I’d known, I thought, remembering him killing the men in the coach.

He moved toward me now, his hands extended.

I took them and looked up at him as he spoke.

“Mary, it’s no’ always like this. But with all of this happening in just the last few months, I.

… Mary, it is no’ always like this,” he added, his tone miserable.

“I see.” I paused, looking at the haunted look in bis eyes. “Our lives have been very different, Alex.”

“They have been.”

His expression was guarded as he stood there, watching me.

He seemed to be calm, but I knew he was as aware as I that the next few moments could change our relationship forever.

I watched a vein throb at his throat as I reflected.

Was I simply full of brave talk, or was I willing to take all of his life, and not just those portions I understood?

Was I willing to trust his judgment? Was I sure he was the man I thought he was?

I knew he was a good man, and if I told him to, he would leave me now and I would never see him again.

I would marry Robert and have a very safe life, a life with few surprises.

A life of comfort and wealth, among my friends and family. A life without Alex. I raised my chin.

“I love you, Alex,” I said, and watched his expression lighten. “Can’t you send Angus to see what he can discover?”

Alex shrugged and almost smiled. “Angus willna leave me alone. He thinks he needs to be at my side.”

“Is he always this protective? ”

Alex shook his head. “He thinks I was poisoned in France.”

I stared at him. “When you were so sick?”

“Aye.” He frowned down at our hands.

“So do I.” His head snapped up as he looked at me. “No one is that sick for four days after a bad meal. Your skin was gray, Alex. You were very ill and no one else was.”

“Aye, but bad food can do that.”

“Angus is right.”

“I am not convinced.”

“Who would do such a thing?”

He looked at me without expression. “Hatred runs deep in the Highlands, lass. The MacGannons have enemies, as does any clan.”

“How many of them are in France, Alex? Only the Stewarts.”

“I canna believe anyone was trying to harm me,” he said, lifting his chin as he met my eyes. “I willna believe it.”

“Could it have been the Stewarts?”

He laughed. “Why would they? I’m not so important, lass. They dinna even ken I exist. No, the Stewarts dinna try to kill me.”

“Then who?”

“I dinna ken. But be assured I will find out. Mary, it’s no’ always like this. And I ken that saying that doesna make ye understand. Yer right to be wary of me just now, I’m thinking.” He sighed. “Shall I come back and see ye again, Mary, or shall I say farewell now?”

I stared at him. “Alex, I don’t want you to leave this room, let alone the country! I’m afraid to let you go; I’m afraid I’ll never see you again. I love you, Alex MacGannon,” I said. “We’ll sort it out together.”

He smiled tenderly. “I was hoping ye’D say that.”

“I love you.” I reached a hand out to stroke his cheek. “And, Alex, if I am to be your wife, I must know what is troubling you. You were right to tell me. Let me be your ally. ”

“I dinna want to worry ye, lass. I’m sure it will all pass.

It just came all at once and has been verra strange.

It is probably nothing.” He tried to smile as he pulled me close.

“Mary, I promise it willna be like this if ye wed me. Trust me, lass, I’m not bringing ye to a wilderness full of barbarians.

” He kissed my hand. “Ye have my heart now, lass, and I’ll give ye my name if you’D have it.

” I started to speak, but he put a finger to my lips, shaking his head.

“Dinna answer now, lass. Think on it. There’s a lot to consider.

I have sons already, and ye must decide if that’s what ye want.

I dinna come without them, nor the clan and Kilgannon.

And, of course, the religion. I’d not given it much thought, but the Campbell is correct.

Ye must know it is a problem to be a Catholic in Scotland now.

Scotland’s seen a lot of cruelty in the name of God.

So think on it, Mary. I don’t want ye to wonder later if ye were hastened into something.

Think on it while I’m gone, all of it. When I return we’ll talk.

” He kissed me gently, then stepped back from me, smiling wryly.

“I must go now before I disgrace us both. Think on it, lass. If ye tell me yes I’ll take ye to Kilgannon.

Ye’ll live in a castle, Mary, not a crofthouse.

But I’ll not lie to ye: yer Campbell is correct that I’m only a rich man when I’m on my land.

Or my ships, and we’ve just lost one.” He touched my cheek.

“But I love ye, Mary. If ye’D have me, ye’D make me verra happy and I’d do my best to be a good husband.

I dinna ken what else to say. If ye tell me no, I will understand and I will bother ye no more. ” He was already moving away.

“Alex, I don’t need time to answer you,” I said.

He whirled back to face me, his kilt swirling around his knees, and he smiled.

“Lass, if it’s yes I’ll be happy soon enough.

Ye must have time to think on all I’ve told ye.

There’s no going back. Whichever way ye answer, there’s no going back.

” He crossed the space between us, lifting me to him effortlessly.

“I love ye, Mary Lowell. It will be as ye wish,” he said.

“But ken this, lass. Ye’ll never find a man who wants ye, body and soul, more than I.

Never.” He bent me over his arm and kissed me until I was gasping, then righted me and smiled again as he moved away.

And then he was gone.

The air was thick with tension between Robert and me. When he had come to me after Alex left, I told him I was shocked by his deceit. I had never known him to lie before. He apologized, but I kept wondering, what if he’D succeeded? I would never have seen Alex again.

“Did he ask you to marry him?” Robert demanded, and I nodded, watching him change color as he paced in front of the fireplace. “In my house?” he roared. “The man barges in like the barbarian he is and proposes to you in my house? With me here? And you accept?”

“Yes,” I said, facing the naked pain in his eyes.

I hadn’t intended Robert to suffer, but he had, and my heart leapt out to him.

He stalked around the room shouting about Alex’s lack of breeding.

I listened for a few moments and then moved to a chair.

“Robert,” I said. “You never asked me to marry you. You were waiting to see if I was fit to be your wife. You never asked me.”

He stared at me. I met his gaze calmly, and he was the first to shift his gaze.

He paced the room quietly now, and after a while he sighed.

“You’re right, Mary,” he said, sitting opposite me.

“I did not claim you.” Claim me , I thought, like a piece of land or a good horse .

“If I asked you to marry me now, what would you say?”

“I would say no.” I watched as his anger flared again.

“So Kilgannon rushes in and steals you.”

“Ten months is not rushing in, Robert. You had two years.”

“I was waiting for the right moment.”

“You were considering. And you wanted to be sure no other man had usurped your place in my bed.”

We looked at each other for a long moment before he nodded .

“No man has been in my bed, Robert,” I said softly. “But Alex did not need to consider for as long. Nor did he consider as much.”

“But I love you, Mary,” he said softly. He was in earnest. For two men to tell me this in one day was absurd.

“Then you should have told me much before this, Robert. I was yours for the asking.”

He leaned back against the chair, then leaned forward again. “You will not be happy with him. He is a barbarian.”

“He is not a barbarian. He is a gentleman. And I love him.”

He sneered. “So Kilgannon comes in like a noisy, ill-mannered child and you fall in love with him?”

I smiled as I thought of Alex. “He is noisy, isn’t he?”

Robert was not amused. “Damn it, Mary, it’s not funny. You have no idea of what you’re choosing.”

“I’m choosing a man who loves me, Robert., a man who will let the world know he loves me and damn the consequences.”

“Then choose me. I stood by you, Mary. Few men would have.”

My eyes filled with tears. “Yes,” I said. “You did. And I am grateful for that. But I cannot choose you.”

“You mean you will not.”

“If I were choosing with my head, Robert, I would choose you. But I am not. I am choosing with my heart. It’s too late.”

We were silent for a long while. At last he sighed and spoke wistfully. “Would you ever have chosen me, Mary?”

“If you’D asked before I met Alex, I would be your wife now.”

“And if you’D been my wife and then met him? Would you have been unfaithful to me?”

I took a deep breath and decided not to take offense. “No, of course not. I would have been faithful.”

He stared at his hands before looking up at me. “So my caution has lost me you? ”

“Yes.”

He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them as he rose to stand before me. “So be it. So be it. Mary… if you change your mind, if you ever need help… ever, no matter what, as long as you live, call upon me. Even if you marry him, I will be there for you. You have but to ask.”

My eyes rilled with tears again. “Thank you, Robert.”

He left me alone then.