Page 41

OLIVIA

“ S he’s doing it again.”

“Doing what?”

“Looking at pictures of Ash on her phone,” Loren says with a laugh. “Can’t you do that later? Like when you’re alone in your room?”

I’m not bothered by the teasing. “Weren’t you just hiding in the bathroom while you talked to Mike so we couldn’t hear you?”

If there were a mic in my hand, I would have dropped it.

“Okay, fine. I was just teasing. We all think it’s sweet how you’re pining for Ash.”

“I wouldn’t say that I’m pining…”

Liar.

I’m totally pining.

He’s been gone for a week and a half, and it feels like an eternity. The nightly calls are fine, but it’s crazy how much I miss him, which is why I obviously blurt out:

“Gah! How is it possible that I miss him this much already? It’s only been a month! Not even! Am I some kind of weirdo? Is this all happening too fast?”

Three pairs of sympathetic smiles face me.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Oh, sweetie,” Vanessa begins, and yes, she’s reaching out for my hand as she says it. “There is no right or wrong when you find your person. There’s no handbook on feelings. I mean…maybe there is, but let’s be honest, it’s not a one-size-fits-all approach.”

“Okay, but…”

“Look at me and Zayne,” she goes on. “We’ve known each other since elementary school and didn’t fall for each other until a few months ago.”

“Mike and I have known each other since the seventh grade,” Loren adds.

“I mean, I knew who he was before that, but we didn’t actually interact with each other until then.

” She shrugs. “He asked me to the winter dance in eighth grade and we’ve been together ever since.

When the feelings are there, they’re there. ”

“And as much as I hate to bring up my horrible ex, Theo and I dated for three years before we got married. I’ve never been an overly romantic person, but he swept me off my feet. And if he hadn’t developed a drug habit, maybe we’d still be together.”

That’s the first normal thing Roxie’s ever said about her relationship with her ex-husband.

“You see?” Van asks. “Three different relationship timelines with three different outcomes. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how long you know someone…”

“Or how short,” Roxie amends before laughing. “Is that even the right way to say that?”

“You know yourself,” Vanessa goes on. “You know how you’ve felt in past relationships. And we’re not talking about the one you had with Matt. The two of you were too young and immature to count that one. Think about the relationships you’ve had after that.”

“I can count them all on one hand and none of them made me feel like this,” I admit.

Vanessa reaches out again for me. “Then there’s your answer, Livi. Don’t doubt yourself or your feelings.”

Easier said than done.

“I need to…” Pausing, I sigh. There’s been something on my mind that I feel like maybe I’m overreacting or maybe my author brain is creating weird scenarios, because that’s what it does sometimes.

And since we’re all sitting here talking, now seems as good a time as any to ask the girls.

“So, we’ve been talking about this new book, and nothing’s gelling, and I’m feeling unsettled.

I miss Ash, and…I don’t know…I feel like it’s all connected. ”

“What is?” Roxie asks.

“I know this is going to sound bizarre, but…” Another sigh. “I feel like all the bad luck I’ve been having is karma for celebrating after Matt died.”

There. I said it.

“Liv, come on,” Vanessa says, her gentle mom tone out in full force. “You haven’t had bad luck. You’re essentially being forced to write something you’ve never written before, so it’s only natural that you’re struggling.”

“Plus, that all came into play before Matt died,” Loren reminds me.

“And karma’s not always a bad thing,” Roxie chimes in. “Sometimes karma works in good ways—like maybe meeting Ash and being thrown together as much as you have is karma’s way of rewarding you for all the crap Matt did to you and all the things you missed out on because of him.”

Huh. Does that actually make sense?

“Have you and Ash talked about this?” Loren asks.

“Not about the karma thing. That’s something I was keeping to myself because I thought I’d sound crazy.”

“You’re not crazy, Liv,” Vanessa assures me.

“Have the two of you talked about your feelings?” Loren asks.

“We have and we’re on the same page—crazy about each other. It just feels like it shouldn’t be this easy, you know?”

“Easy?” Roxie snorts. “Liv, come on. Nothing about this is easy. You guys had two great weeks together after an awesome meet cute on the plane, but now’s where the hard stuff begins.

He’s traveling for business and you need to go and pack up your life in Seattle…

these are the things that can make or break a relationship. ”

“Jeez, Rox!” Loren snaps. “What the hell? Way to be encouraging.”

Uh-oh…

“I’m a realist,” she casually counters. “There are things that happen that test us all, whether we want to admit it or not. If Theo had opted to go into rehab, would I have stayed?” She shrugs.

“I don’t know. I’d like to think I wouldn’t because the damage was done, but that’s something we could have faced.

You can’t tell me you and Mike haven’t had something like that happen in all your years together because… ”

Loren huffs, falling back against the lounge cushion. “Obviously we have, but it’s not like what Olivia and Ash are going through. Mike cheated.”

Ooh! Ooh! I’m finally going to hear the story!

Maybe I’m a terrible friend for being excited about it, but I really am.

“When was this?” I ask, feigning confusion.

“Back in college,” she replies, and I can tell she’s still uncomfortable with the topic, and now I feel bad for asking.

“It was a one-time thing—and before you ask, I know this for a fact. We weren’t on a break or anything.

He was at a party, had a little too much to drink, and… well…you can fill in the blanks.”

I should let it go, but my mouth gets ahead of my brain and asks, “How did you find out?”

“He told me. He called me the next day and asked if he could come and see me because he’d done something awful.

” She shakes her head. “I didn’t need the details; I knew what he was going to say.

It gutted me. I went to this really dark place and had to go for therapy.

Then we started couples therapy and we got through it. ”

“But it was a make-or-break moment,” Roxie reminds her. “You could have said it was too much and walked away, but you didn’t. Liv and Ash might not be dealing with something as deep as that, but it’s still something rough they’re going to have to work through.”

Loren looks at me. “You know this is going to be a lot of work, right?”

I nod.

“Maybe it’s too soon, but…do you love him?”

I don’t even have to think about it. “I think I do.” My cheeks heat as my friends all squeal with delight before piling onto my lounge and hugging me.

I’m feeling this wave of emotion crashing over me and suddenly I hear myself say, “And I’m scared because my parents don’t love me!

I mean…how do I even know what love is? What if I’m too damaged? ”

There’s a collective gasp and they’re all speaking at once, but I can’t make any sense out of it because I’m crying.

Ugly crying.

Like…where-the-fuck-did-all-these-tears-come-from crying.

I have no idea how long this goes on, but by the time I feel like I can breathe, we’re back inside the house on the sofa in the den. A box of tissues is shoved in my hand, a cold compress is put on my forehead, and a chocolate chip cookie appears out of nowhere.

But it was probably Loren’s doing.

I try to focus and let out a shuddery breath. “Holy crap,” I whisper. “I…I don’t even know what to say. That was…”

“That was held in for too long,” Vanessa gently assures me, petting my arm. “Clearly it was time for you to let it out because you know this is a safe space.”

Honestly, I’m a little embarrassed by my outburst and would like to just forget about it, but I’m not delusional. My girls aren’t going to allow that to happen.

“Liv, why do you think your parents don’t love you?” Roxie carefully asks. “They’ve always been distant; we all know that. But sometimes people are just like that. Has something happened?”

“They just…I know they’re disappointed that I didn’t follow in their footsteps.

They never congratulate me on my achievements.

I’ve made the New York Times and Wall Street Journal best-seller lists multiple times.

My books have been turned into movies. Those are monumental achievements, right?

And when I share that with them, they barely acknowledge it.

Just once I’d like for them to say they’re proud of me—even if they don’t really mean it, it would go a long way in making me feel less like a failure. ”

Loren sits on the coffee table so she can fully face me. She’s looking fierce, and I instantly brace myself for whatever she’s about to say.

“Here’s the thing, Liv, you aren’t a failure,” she states.

“Do you hear me? You are not a failure. You’re a fucking best-selling author!

You’ve written ten books! People all over the world know your name!

Can they say that? No! You have relationships with your readers; they message you, comment on your social media posts, stand in line to see you!

And you know what? You respond to so many of those comments, and you talk to every single person who comes to see you for a signing, and you make them feel like they’re a friend. Your parents can’t say that.”

“You don’t know…”