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No. No, I want to scream at them, but what good would that do? I’d come off sounding like an ungrateful, crazy person.

“I just wish you all would have been honest with me, that’s all,” I say carefully. “I don’t appreciate the ambush.”

They at least have the decency to look guilty.

“You’re right; we should have,” Loren agrees. “But…you’re a flight risk, Liv. We wanted to do everything possible to get you here. And be honest. If you knew the guys were joining us, would you have come?”

No.

“We’ll never know now, will we?” I say instead.

“Liv, we all know you wouldn’t have. But this is going to be fun, I swear,” Vanessa says in earnest. “You’ll see. It’s going to be great. It’s going to be just like old times. Remember when we came here on prom weekend? That was one of the greatest weekends ever!”

It was, but I’m not ready to give in yet. I still have a little mad left in me, and even though I’m being a brat, I feel like I’m entitled.

“We’re not kids anymore. We all keep saying that,” I remind them. “Besides, you can’t go back. We’re not those people, Matt’s gone, and…I just don’t know how I’m going to write with so many people around!”

Bratty McBitchy, party of one!

“We promise to give you time to write. The fifth bedroom is now an office, so you can set up in there to work,” Van assures me. “It was always such a tiny room and barely fit a single bed, so my dad turned it into an office. It means one less bed, but no one’s missed it.”

It’s on the tip of my tongue to say that I do—especially since it means I’m now sharing a room with Roxie and the dogs—but I keep it to myself.

The three of them are looking at me expectantly, and I hate that I’m the problem.

I’m the one causing them all to hold their breath while they wait to make sure I’m okay.

I guess this is why I don’t come home more. In the last three days, I’ve seen a version of myself that I don’t like. I’m whiny and pitiful and emotional, and that’s never been me. And now that a metaphorical mirror has been shoved in front of me, I don’t like what I see.

So, starting now, it’s time to reach deep down and find the old me—the Olivia who was last at this house on prom weekend, and maybe the one who hopped on a plane and flew west so I could fully immerse myself in the stories I was going to write.

I need to treat this trip not like I’m only here because of a funeral, but like I’m coming back to celebrate life with my friends.

All our lives.

Even the guys who I still feel are crashing this trip.

Smiling brightly, I ask, “Are we just going to stand out here all day, or are we going inside?”

The relief is palpable as I’m embraced in a fierce group hug before we release each other and start grabbing our luggage.

When I turn and fully face the house, I’m overwhelmed.

It’s a bit of a monstrosity that looks like a normal beach house was divided down the middle and a smaller section was inserted.

At one time, I’m sure it looked modern, but right now it just looks odd.

The ground level is nothing but a split garage—one on each side of the house—with storage space in the middle. This means we have to walk up a divided set of stairs to the second level to get to the front door.

“Are your folks going to put in an elevator when they do the renovations?” Loren asks, because we’re all thinking about it as we lug our oversized luggage up the stairs.

“That’s the plan!” Vanessa cheerily replies. “I know this part sucks, but once everything’s inside, we don’t have to do this again. Our groceries will be delivered and they’ll bring it all to the door for us!”

We all sort of stumble through the door and I’m blinded by the view.

Literally.

The entire back wall of the house is glass, the floors are off white, and the furniture is all white. I imagine we’ll all be wearing sunglasses in the house during the day because it’s all so bright.

“We’re here!” Vanessa cries out, her voice echoing in the two-story entryway. “I can’t believe we’re finally here!” Then she’s hugging us again. “It’s official. Our vacation starts now!”

We all sort of scatter a bit to look around, and they weren’t kidding. Everything looks exactly the same as it did when I was last here. It’s a little like stepping back in time.

Which I suppose works with my whole going-back-to-the-old-me thing.

“Okay, so Zayne and I are taking the master on the third floor,” Van begins. “Lolo, you and Mike have your usual room on the second floor. Ash will…”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Loren loudly interrupts. “What did you just say?”

“Um…that you and Mike have your usual room?”

“No…”

“You and Zayne?” Roxie cries out, causing the dogs to bark, and the sound is almost deafening.

“I thought emotional support dogs weren’t supposed to react like this,” I casually throw out there.

“They’re not official emotional support dogs,” Roxie clarifies. “I just need them. And don’t change the subject, Liv!” She turns to Vanessa. “You and Zayne? Seriously?”

She nods, nibbling on her lip. “Yeah, seriously. It just sort of happened and we figured this trip would be a good time to test the waters and see how everyone handles it. So if you’re going to freak out, do it now and get it over with, because I’m genuinely happy and it would be really great if you guys didn’t crap all over this.

For the first time ever, I think I’m in love. ”

Yikes. I’m not touching that with a ten-foot pole. After all, who am I to comment on any relationship? Basically, I’m not part of the inner circle anymore, so I’m just gonna stand here and keep my mouth shut.

“No one’s crapping all over anything,” Roxie says diplomatically. “We’re just surprised, that’s all. You guys hid it really well.”

“Oh. Okay. Whew! I was so afraid you were going to freak out and tell me I was making a mistake.”

Loren hugs her. “We love you and we love Zayne, and we’re all happy for you. So…relax.”

There’s an awkward silence for several long moments before I blurt out, “We are two for two in the crisis department, and we just got here! I can only imagine what’s going to happen next!”

Yeah, that falls flat and my friends just blink at me like I’ve lost my mind.

“Why don’t we all get settled in? The guys should be here in a couple of hours, so we have some time to just unpack and get our online grocery order started,” Van tells us. “We’ll meet in the kitchen in thirty!”

I trudge up the stairs to the second floor and the room Roxie and I are sharing. She’s hot on my heels with the dogs trailing behind her. I come to a stop when I realize our room has a twin bed and a full-size one.

Considering Roxie has the dogs, I’m guessing she’ll take the full one.

Dammit.

I haven’t slept in a twin bed since the fifth grade.

“Hey, roomie! This is going to be so much fun! Like a month-long slumber party!” Roxie announces just as the dogs come in and immediately jump all over the beds.

I’m in hell. I’m officially in hell.

I love animals, but I don’t want to sleep with them. I love my sleep more than is probably normal, and…

“Don’t worry. Mosy and Stella sleep with me, and Gunnar always sleeps on the floor. I swear they’re not going to bother you. We will totally respect your space.”

Gunnar’s nose is currently in my crotch, so I’m not feeling so respected at the moment.

I sigh wearily and scratch his head before carefully moving him out of my way so I can unpack.

“What a wild day so far, right?” Roxie asks as we squeeze around each other and try to find space for all our stuff. “I can’t believe Vanessa is hooking up with Zayne! It’s crazy!”

“And you had no idea?”

“None. The two of them haven’t let on a thing.” She pauses for a moment. “Although I’m not great with that sort of thing. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own mess of a life that unless I walked in on them doing it, I probably wouldn’t have noticed.”

“I’m really sorry that I haven’t been here for you,” I say, sitting down on the bed I’m claiming. “You were really going through something and I should have come back to visit or at least invited you to come and stay with me so you could get away.”

“Liv, don’t be silly. I didn’t expect you to come home because of my divorce.

Besides, I wasn’t the greatest to be around.

Van and Lolo were great, but I even pushed them away a lot of the time because I really just wanted to be by myself.

You always called and sent funny memes and believe it or not, it was exactly what I needed.

Don’t beat yourself up about not being here. ”

That makes me feel a little better, but not completely.

“I didn’t realize how my move and my life affected everyone,” I admit lowly.

The need to explain myself after the driveway conversation is almost overwhelming.

“To me, nothing changed except geography, but clearly I was wrong. I guess I just expected everything to be the same, like I’d come to visit and everyone would be exactly how I left them. ”

“I get that, but I’m not gonna lie and tell you it didn’t suck every time you bailed.”

“I didn’t bail, I…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Weather delays. Flight cancelations, blah, blah, blah…” she says dramatically.

“It just always seemed to happen to you. None of us ever have issues traveling like you do. It doesn’t even seem possible!

Are you sure you didn’t make it up sometimes because you didn’t want to visit? ”

“I swear I would never do something like that. And believe it or not, I can prove at least some of it to you.”

“Liv, come on. I’m not pressuring you for proof.”

Standing, I quietly shut our bedroom door and lean against it. “What I’m about to tell you has to stay just between the two of us. At least for now.”

Roxie’s eyes go wide, but she nods.

“I met Ash on the flight from Denver,” I whisper.

“Seriously? How did you know it was him?”

“I didn’t until the funeral. When he walked up to the casket, I swear I almost fainted!”

“Holy shit! And you only just met him on the plane? You’d never been introduced on the brief trips home? Matt never mentioned him?”

I shake my head. “I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the whole thing, but we were sitting next to each other on the plane and he was helping me write the eulogy!”

“No!”

“Yes!” I move across the room and sit next to the dogs on her bed.

“We started talking because he saw me typing and heard me sighing and grumbling and I told him I was writing a eulogy for my ex. I never said Matt’s name and he never mentioned that he was on his way to a funeral either.

Then the flight got delayed and we had to deplane, and I ran into him again in the lounge. ”

She’s laughing and smiling and truly enjoying herself. “This is awesome! Talk about a meet cute! This needs to be in your next book!”

Ugh. I don’t even want to think about the next book right now.

“Then we got back on the plane and some old bitch tried to take my seat and he stood up for me.” I shrug. “He’s a nice guy and I was bummed when I didn’t see him again in the airport when we landed. I kept kicking myself because I wanted to get his number.”

“And now you’re going to be on vacation with him! I love it!”

When I don’t match her enthusiasm, she immediately senses that I’m holding something back.

“Okay, out with it.”

Why lie? “Fine. Now that I know he was a friend of Matt’s, there’s a bit of an ick factor there. That’s not the kind of connection I want with someone.”

The look she gives me is of utter disbelief. “Do you even hear yourself? You’re friends with Mike and Zayne and tons of other people who knew Matt and you’re not icked out by them. What’s the big deal?”

“I don’t know!” I snap. “This was all thrown at me so quickly and I’m sure he must think I’m a psycho after the way I carried on about Matt on the plane and then at the funeral. He saw me at my absolute worst and one of my lowest moments. I’m sure he’s icked out about hanging out with me too.”

“Yeah, because guys are icked out by beautiful blondes with big green eyes.” She rolls her eyes before adding, “Be serious! If he’s a guy with a pulse, he’s not going to be icked out by you.”

“Um…”

“And do you even want him to be? He’s a good-looking guy who is ridiculously nice. If I didn’t hate all males—except for Gunnar—I’d be into him.” She reaches over the dogs and hugs me. “Don’t let the ick ruin this for you.”

I hug her back and pray that she’s right.

The timing is completely wrong, and he probably thinks I’m a total mess, but…maybe I’m mistaken?

Only time will tell.

We break apart as Stella gets on her hind legs and starts licking Roxie’s face. “Uh-oh, someone’s jealous,” she says with a laugh, and that’s my cue to get up and finish unpacking.

By the time we’re done, the room looks like a tornado went through it. Between all our stuff and all the dogs’ things, the space is completely crammed. Thank God I’m only going to be sleeping in here because just looking at it makes my eye twitch.

“Guys! I’m starting a shopping list!” Vanessa calls out from the kitchen. “And I’ve opened a bottle of wine! Let’s do this!”

I’m halfway out the door when Roxie stops me. “Remember, no ick.”

Laughing, I turn and hug her. “And you remember, this stays between us.”

“Deal.”