Page 28 of It Happened Back Then (Nilsson Family #3)

A fter seeing Savannah in the store and hearing her hurtful words, my mind spun with thoughts, and I was in and out of sleep all night long. Which made today a bad day. It’s not a special date or anything, but memories flood my mind, and I can’t make them stop.

I dreamed of my dad. He was in the yard with the four of us, throwing the football to Lief while my sisters and I played on the swing set.

My mom was sitting under the tree in the shade with an iced tea.

I could feel the safety and happiness of the six of us together so strongly that when I was jolted from my sleep and realized it was a dream, tears poured from my eyes.

He died right after my eleventh birthday. He had back pain for a while. My mom finally made him see a chiropractor. That chiropractor felt a lump and told him to go get a scan. That lump was a cancerous mass, and one minute he was there, and the next he wasn’t. It was so quick, and I was so young.

Mom and dad didn’t tell us much, which made it worse. I didn't know how to process that he was gone. And then everything changed.

The house was too big, the rooms too quiet. Mom acted like everything was normal but it was anything but. Meadow would disappear for days on end. January graduated high school and took off for New York City. Then my brother followed her. The house became a ghost town.

And me?

I was a kid who suddenly had to take care of myself. I had to understand this new life I was thrown into. I may have been young, but grief didn’t care. It weighed on me daily but forced me to live at the same time.

I laid there, willing myself to relax when more memories came sharp and fast. I remember this same scenario.

I was paralyzed with grief, crying in bed.

Bennett came crawling through my window and into my bed, wrapping himself around me.

He was always there, no matter what time or what was happening around us.

And the more I think of Bennett, the more the happy memories crash through again.

I remember Bennett and I down at Bean Lake, laughing and teasing and having fun in the water.

I remember staying out until the sun went down.

I remember the way his face glowed under the moonlight while he was inside me.

I remember the baby we made together.

I remember the baby I lost alone.

I kept the pain to myself, like I owed it to him to protect his future, even if it meant breaking both our hearts.

We’re only weeks out of graduation. The caps are still hanging on our bedroom walls like trophies, tassels swaying from the rearview mirror in our cars.

It’s supposed to be the best summer of our lives.

Homecoming already feels like a distant memory.

Prom was everything I wanted it to be. And graduation?

We’d made it through, side by side, like we always said we would.

The plan is simple: I’m supposed to leave with Bennett.

He’s headed to college in Seattle, and I’m meant to follow him in a few weeks.

We found a little apartment near campus.

And we still had our pact. At twenty-seven, we’d get married.

Not too young, but not too far away either.

There was enough time to work, save money, build a life together.

We’d pay for our wedding ourselves. Buy a house.

Talk about kids eventually. But not right away. We wanted time to be us first.

But now everything feels off.

I keep waking up nauseous. Waves of sickness sneak up on me during the most random moments, when I’m brushing my teeth, opening the fridge, just hearing about certain foods.

Bennett tells me I’m just stressed, that maybe I’m nervous about leaving home.

I don’t think so though. I’ve been in this town since kindergarten.

Nothing here scares me. Especially not with him by my side.

My body feels strange. My clothes don’t fit right. I’ve always been curvy, but they feel tighter now. Some mornings I wake up sweating, and I’m always tired. Deep down, something whispers that this isn’t just nerves. Something’s different.

Then it happens.

I stop by Bennett’s house after school. He’s gone to the Swoops Nest, where he’s been working in the kitchen all summer, to pick up his last paycheck.

I crash on his couch while waiting for him, trying to sleep off the nausea, but it gets worse.

A sour taste floods my mouth. I bolt to the bathroom, barely making it in time.

My stomach twists and heaves until I’m shaking, gripping the toilet seat like it might steady me.

When I finally open the bathroom door, his dad is there, blocking my way out.

“What's wrong with you, Blossom?”

His voice is sharp, accusatory, like I’ve done something wrong. I shake my head, “I don’t know. I must’ve eaten something bad. ”

He doesn’t move. Just stares at me with a look like I’m no good.

“I know what’s been going on with you and my son,” he says, his tone only getting colder. “If you think you're going to trap him with a baby, you’re wrong. He’s going to college. And I’m getting him as far away from here, and you, as I can.”

My whole body goes cold. “I’m…baby…what? I don’t understand.”

“Oh, you understand.” He steps closer. “My son deserves more than this tired town and the same sad people clinging to it. You will not be the reason he throws away his future.”

The air between us is suffocating. His face is flushed, twisted with fury, and his breath is hot and gross. It makes my stomach churn all over again.

I slam the door in his face, fall to my knees over the toilet, and heave until nothing’s left but the echo of his words.

Baby.

Am I pregnant?

My hands tremble against the toilet; the bathroom spins around me. This isn’t part of the plan. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

And worst of all, I don’t know what it means for me.

Or for Bennett.

Or if we’ll ever leave this town together now. I can’t do this to him. His dad is right; he has so much going for him. I can’t hold him back.

Those memories make me cry more, the vision of seeing the positive test. The feeling of excitement and fear all wrapped in one. Knowing his dad would never make it easy for us and knowing Bennett would cancel all his plans for college led me to holding onto my secret.

Until I couldn’t hold onto any part of it.

Bennett is leaving today for college. I stand in his front yard, arms wrapped around him, trying to memorize the way he smells, the feel of his heartbeat against mine.

His dad watches us from the front window, like he’s just waiting for me to crack, for my secret to spill out so he can run out of the house and send me away.

I tell Bennett we’ll make long distance work. That I’ll always be here, waiting.

What I don’t tell him is the truth. That I have no idea how I’m going to keep that promise. I don’t know how I’ll tell him or what will happen when I start to show.

But right now, I just need him to go.

He needs to leave this town and become everything he’s meant to be. And it wasn't until his dad’s awful words hit me, that deep down, I know he won’t find that in Bluemoon

Or with me.

Just five days later, I wake up feeling like my insides are being pulled apart. The cramps are worse than before, but I push through, drag myself into the shower.

I lean into the hot water, hoping it helps. But then a sudden sharp pain hits me like a knife, twisting deep in my stomach. I double over, crying out, one hand catching the tile wall to keep from falling.

And then I see it. Blood swirling in the water and down the drain.

Something is incredibly wrong. I begin to shake, not sure what to do, but in my heart, I know. I know what’s happening. My body is rejecting my secret.

I scream for my mom.

She bursts into the bathroom seconds later, her eyes going wide the moment she sees me. She doesn’t even ask. She just moves, turns off the water, wraps me in a towel, and helps me sit down on the edge of the tub as I start to sob uncontrollably.

“I didn’t tell him,” I cry. “I didn’t tell him anything.”

“I know, baby,” she says gently, her voice breaking. “I know. ”

She helps me dress with shaking hands, then calls the doctor, her voice somehow calm while I sit hunched over on the bed, crying silently. I’m begging her not to say anything to anyone, not to my sisters, and especially not to Bennett. And she promises.

Because she knows it’s already too late.

The guilt and shame I had for putting my mom through that was so much. She had lost her husband at a young age, was left raising four kids alone, and here I was, the baby, losing her own baby. It was another loss this family was not prepared for.

She’s always kept my secret, even from my sisters. I couldn't do it to them either.

All of this clouds my head and keeps me paralyzed inside my apartment. I want to call Bennett. I want to cry, and I want him to hold me, but it’s not fair for me to put this hurt on him. He didn’t ask for any of this.

I don't know where these feelings come from. There doesn’t need to be a source, though I honestly do know why. Savannah's words have haunted me since I saw her in the flower shop.