Page 22 of In Death, Love Survives

TWELVE

Nova

It’s Wolfe’s release day.

Any minute now, Wolfe will be released and considered a free man.

The thought of leaving today with Wolfe has been ever present on my mind. It’s why I rode the bus to work today instead of driving like I usually do, and why I brought some extra clothes as well in this leather backpack.

Everything I did this morning was in preparation for leaving with Wolfe. If we had more time for me to think about it or even discuss it, Wolfe should have met up with me at my apartment instead of the grand gesture of waiting outside the prison all day for me to decide.

Nonetheless, I do find it incredibly romantic that he’s going to be out there waiting for me.

All the stolen stares, forbidden touches, and being in his orbit is like my free will is coming to an end. The only thing that matters is Wolfe when we’re together.

That’s why I’m still so unsure about what the right decision is.

I want to be with Wolfe.

I’ve never felt so seen and heard until now. It’s like in our short time together, he’s gotten inside me, and I know that he means every word he says.

If I were to take this chance, then I’d be living a life of crime. I’d be part of some kind of motorcycle club that I truthfully don’t even understand what that means or entails.

I’d be Wolfe’s possession.

Every part of me feels unhinged for even considering this.

It’s not because of his time here; it’s because of the unknown.

If I were to stay at Roper State or even transfer somewhere else locally, I could continue on with life as I know it. Neither Ryan nor Crawley has any real evidence of what I’ve done with Wolfe. I could get a new job and just disappear, act like my time at Roper State was a blip.

I could go back to the way I was before I let all these feelings flood my very existence.

“I think you may actually kill your coffee,” Tim comments.

I jump in surprise and clutch my hand to my chest.

“Didn’t mean to scare you,” he says.

I look down and see that my hand is breaking the wooden stirrer.

“I was lost in a trance.”

Tim pours sugar into his coffee next to mine.

“Want to talk about it?”

I laugh at the offer.

“As much as I appreciate the willingness for a therapy session from you, I think I’ll be okay.”

“Sometimes it helps just to let it out to someone.”

He says it so nonchalantly, I realize maybe he’s right. I can’t give too much away though.

“Do you ever wish for a change in your life?” I ask.

“Every day.”

“Why don’t you do anything about it?”

Tim looks over at me as he stirs the sugar into the mug.

“I’m too old for a big change.”

I lightly laugh.

“That’s not true.”

“It is for me. I’m happy enough. But you? Dr. Fletcher, you’re meant for something bigger than this place.”

Tim goes back to stirring his coffee, then discards the stirrer while I stand stunned in the break room.

“I told Jessica I would be leading group today, so you don’t have to.”

“Oh, okay,” I answer. A change of subject. I’m not sure if it’s intentional or not coming from Tim.

“And Dr. Owens asked to meet with me about new hires. Do you know anything about that?”

Yeah. Ryan thinks I’m leaving too.

“No. I’ll ask.”

“No need. I’ll let you know.”

Tim picks up his cup and leaves without another word.

Back in my office, I go through the motions of reviewing paperwork that needs attention. I don’t have any sessions today, so it’s just me and my thoughts.

Jessica comes in and out of my office all morning, handing me new documents to review and with questions for me to answer. It’s all so predictable and mundane.

Is this really the life that I always thought I would have?

It wasn’t when I was a child… before everything around me came crumbling down, and I was left to pick up the pieces.

My life alone.

With Wolfe, I don’t feel alone. In fact, I feel alive.

Maybe there’s a way I could still practice if I moved with him.

“Dr. Fletcher?” Jessica asks from my doorway.

“Yes?”

“Dr. Owens is here to see you.”

I give her a disgruntled stare as I straighten in my chair.

What’s he doing here… again?

Ryan walks through the doorway and gives Jessica a careful smile, as if she isn’t aware that he stormed in here just the other day, and we’ve been avoiding each other ever since.

“I’m tired, Ryan. Why are you here?”

He pauses before coming in too far.

“We do have to work together.”

“I think you’ve crossed too many lines for me to entertain anything you have to say.”

“Me? You think I’m the one crossing too many lines?”

“Yes.”

Ryan paces around my office near the door. He pauses, facing me again.

“What has gotten into you? None of this is like you. There’s still a chance for you to transfer. Why don’t you consider it?”

“So you and I can be together?”

Ryan huffs.

“Ryan. I’ve appreciated you as a friend all these years, but I don’t have feelings for you like that, and I never will.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do.”

“We could give it a real try. You know? I could take you on a proper date.”

“I don’t want to date you.”

“You don’t want to date doctors and would rather date prisoners?” I flinch.

“Ryan. See. This is exactly why you’re all wrong for me.”

He winces.

“I’m a doctor, too, remember? Your title has nothing to do with this.”

“Then why won’t you just give me a shot?”

“Because you don’t make me feel…”

“Smitten?”

How can I possibly convince him that I’m not right for him either? Home. Home feels like the one enveloping you with a hug.

“What is it?” he asks.

“Chosen.”

“But I am choosing you.”

“But I’m not yours to choose.”

Ryan looks at me like I’ve just betrayed him. As if all the other guessing about what was going on between Wolfe and me was just him assuming and acting out of jealousy.

I stand up and gesture to my door.

“Please leave.”

“You’re making a mistake,” he pleads.

“No, I’m really not.”

Ryan looks at me like it’s the last time he’ll speak to me. He pulls at his coat and puts on his perfect mask again.

“Dr. Fletcher,” he says as he leaves the office.

Jessica’s head pops forward, and she looks stunned.

She scurries into my office and shuts the door.

“Nova… Did I just hear what I think I heard?”

“I’m assuming so.” I sigh as I sit back down. Jessica sits down in front of me, still shocked.

“Dr. Owens is hot, but like, wow. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.”

“He has a hard time hearing no.”

“You could say that.”

Jessica looks out the window and back to me.

“Why did you turn him down?”

“He’s just not it for me.”

“I get that. You have to feel the fire,” she teases.

I laugh as she waggles her eyebrows.

“Yeah, maybe I want the fire.”

“Good. Don’t settle.”

Jessica gets up and heads out the door.

“Are you okay if I take off early?”

“Sure. Why?”

“I have to meet a friend.”

“A friend who makes you feel the fire?” I tease.

“I wish,” she says with a laugh.

As she adjusts her skirt, she tells me, “Just trying to make it home by five. If I don’t leave soon, I’ll be caught in parade traffic with the route I usually take.”

“Did you say five?” I ask, startled.

I turn my idle computer screen back on and see it’s almost three in the afternoon. I only have a couple of hours left if Wolfe really is waiting for me outside.

If he is, then that means everyone is wondering what he’s doing by not leaving immediately. I’m putting us both at even further risk because I just can’t listen to my dumb heart and take the leap.

“ Nova .”

I look up at Jessica, who looks worried.

“Sorry. I’m fine. I actually… I think I have somewhere to be too.”

“Oh, okay, I’ll let you finish up then.”

Jessica leaves the office, and I realize that’s my answer.

If I don’t go with Wolfe, then I won’t be following my heart. Like Wolfe said, this is something for me. I want Wolfe more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life.

I won’t be afraid. I’m going to get my man.

Packing up my stuff as fast as possible, I’m grateful for the first time that I don’t have many personal items in the office. It always made me sad, but today, I’m happy that it won’t be obvious I’m leaving for good.

I decide to change so that I’m not dressed up next to Wolfe on his bike. Changing in my office will have to do. I have been naked in here anyway.

I lock the office door for the last time and then quickly change into a new outfit—a pair of denim jeans, brown leather cowboy boots, and a white tank top.

If I’m leaving, at this point, I really don’t care what anyone thinks about my outfit of choice as I go.

Changing like this before heading out isn’t that out of the norm. I’m just one of the only employees who never goes anywhere after work.

Maybe I’m still trying to convince myself that any part of this could be considered normal.

Of course, I’ve decided to do this while the rest of the prisoners will be outside. I’ll have to go by quickly without getting noticed. If anything, I could be a visitor of some kind. It’s not like most of these men have paid much attention to me anyway, so it’s a good thing today.

I’ll send Ryan and Crawley an email with my immediate resignation as soon as I get out of here and somewhere safe.

I’m not sure how Ryan will handle getting the final confirmation that I’m disappearing on the same day as Wolfe’s release. Crawley will certainly lose his mind, and he doesn’t even have real suspicions that anything is happening between Wolfe and me.

With a final glance around my office, I close my door for the last time.

Confidently walking down the hallway toward the main building to exit, I pass by June, who stares at me before rolling her eyes and resuming the conversation she was having.

I feel more suspicious than I know I am, partly because I know what I’m up to, and then there’s my outfit of choice. But really, there’s nothing for anyone to question. That is, outside of Ryan.

I don’t understand why he hasn’t been able to take the hint. This last time, I think I was as direct as I could have been.

After today, he’ll hopefully be a distant memory.