Page 72

HALLIE

Song- Man or a Monster, Sam Tinnesz, Zayde Wolf.

S itting in silence with only my thoughts to keep me company is driving me crazy. Even Bertie has had enough of my wallowing and is deciding to nap.

I have so many questions burning in my brain. Questions only letting Conan in will provide answers to.

Only he can explain why he broke my heart like that.

Perhaps I need some closure before I go on vacation. Or maybe I just want to see him. Part of me hopes he has a perfect excuse lined up and I can forgive him.

But there are no chances of that ever being a reality. I know what I went through. I know what that game was.

I know he’s a fucking monster.

But the why is driving me stir-crazy.

I peer out of my blinds. He’s still sitting in his McLaren across the street. He’s been there for an hour now. I don’t know what he’s waiting for.

Either for me to come out or for him to get the balls to knock again.

Lily isn’t here this time to scream in his face.

My heart races when the door opens and he appears, that grief-stricken expression I can see even from here.

He jogs over, and I back away from the door, my hands trembling. It’s like I’m running off pure instinct when I grab the handgun Lily hid in the hallway and tuck it behind my back.

I open the door before he can even knock.

His bloodshot eyes widen, and he just blinks at me.

Neither of us says a word. We just stand there, staring at each other’s pain.

When he goes to take a step toward me, I aim the gun at him.

“Take another step closer, and I’ll shoot you in the dick, Conan.” My voice shakes, but I lift my chin defiantly.

His gaze fixes on the gun in my trembling right hand.

“Leave me alone,” I shout.

He shakes his head but stays where he is.

“I can’t do that, trouble,” he tells me quietly.

“Why the hell not?”

“Because…” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

My heart almost stops. Not now. He can’t do this to me now.

“Because I love?—”

“Don’t you fucking dare say it,” I scream, even though deep down, a part of me needs to hear him say those words.

When he flinches, a little part of me dies inside.

Loving Conan is going to kill me.

But I can’t let him say the words. I can’t stand to even hear them right now.

Because he doesn’t love me. How the hell could he?

The man I fell for—he wasn’t a monster. But the man I now know him to be is just that.

“I never want to see you again, Conan.” My voice nearly breaks as I say the words.

There’s no cheeky grin or soft-spoken whisper from him that can make this better.

I rub the ache in my chest, staring into his sad green eyes.

“You don’t mean that. Not really. Please, Hallie. Don’t leave me. I fucked up. I know that. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Just let me explain.”

“What the hell is there to explain, Conan? You had me kidnapped, then thrown in the fucking woods for a sick game of survival. One that you, you sick son of a bitch, run. You created a game for your fantasies—fine. But that doesn’t include me, does it?

You think I want a man who hunts women in the woods to fuck them?

How many of the girls did you stick your dick in while I was competing? ”

I feel physically sick.

“None. I wouldn’t do that. I only want you, Hallie.”

I let out a laugh, tipping my head back.

“Yeah. For now. Until you get that urge. Or what? Until you host your next games. Get out. I can’t even look at you.”

He takes a step forward, and I take one back. He’s in my house now. Fuck.

“The games are my past. They’re not what you think. Not entirely anyway.”

He clears his throat.

“I don’t believe you. I’m sure there are plenty of willing women out there to go running with you.”

That hurts to say.

“Hallie. I’m sorry, okay? I had no idea you were a contestant. That you’d be mixed up in this fucked-up lifestyle. We host the games to hunt the real evil men in this world. Like the man who entered you.”

“Right. Of course. Evil hunting evil. How perfect. You can all just kill each other, yeah?”

“It’s our way of life.”

I nod. Wait. Who the hell entered me if it wasn’t Conan?

“Who?” I spit.

“Who, what?”

I take another step back until I crash into the wall.

“Entered me into your fucking games, Conan.”

He rubs his hands over his face.

“Ben. I’ve taken care of him. This time, properly. I shouldn’t have left that asshole breathing the first time.”

All the air is knocked out of my lungs.

“Why? And y-you killed him?” My hands shake.

Even now, I’m still not scared of this man.

“He did it to get back at me, Hallie. It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I had no idea of his real family, his real last name. If I’d have known…”

“You’d have killed him quicker?” I fire back. This seems to be his solution to most things.

Violence. Hunting.

“Yes. And I’d kill him all over again for you. I’d kill anyone who hurts you, trouble.”

“You hurt me too,” I whisper, holding back my tears.

He slowly lifts his hand to me, wrapping his fingers around the gun, and I let go. His touch feels like fire.

“Then you have permission to do whatever you need to do. I told you before, I’m included in that list.” He lays the gun flat on his palm in front of me.

“No.”

I shake my head and let the tears fall. Losing him like this is hard enough. Losing him entirely—by my own hands? Never.

“Don’t make me ask you to leave again, Conan. We’re done.”

“I’m not giving up on us, trouble.”

He cages me in, his hands braced on the wall above me.

“I’ll make this right. I won’t lose you. I can’t.”

I press my palms against his chest, but I don’t push him away. His heart pounds against my hands.

“This is one fight you can’t win, Conan.”

I swear to God, he sniffles like he’s about to cry. Why is this so damn hard?

He deserves this. He’s evil. But the longer I’m in his presence, the less I’m sure I truly believe that.

“Even as friends?” he whispers.

I try to push him away, but he doesn’t budge.

“Nothing. You are nothing to me.”

He nods and steps back. The further away he gets from me, the more it feels like my chest is closing in.

“You’ll always be everything to me, Hallie. Even if you hate me for the rest of your life. I’ll love you until I die. You are my first and only love, trouble.”

He takes in a shaky breath.

“Is this what you came here for? Or is it more flowers? Cars? Gifts won’t make this right.” I stare at the three bouquets of flowers still dying on my doorstep.

“I know, Hallie. I know that. I—I’m just lost. I’m trying.

I want to give you space, but I don’t want you to think I’m giving up.

But then I come here just because I’m desperate to see your face.

I don’t know. In my fucked-up brain, I’m thinking eventually you’ll see I’m not the man you think I am.

That I am the Conan you fell for. And that you’ll hear me out, properly.

You’ll let me back in. That’s all I want.

A chance to make this right, Hallie. To prove to you that I can be the man you need.

Because I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life without you, so I at least need to try every damn thing I can think of, just in case you do, one day, decide you don’t hate me anymore. ”

His voice breaks, and he rubs his hands over his eyes. I want to go to him. I hate seeing him like this. And his words—they hurt me deep in my core.

And maybe one day, he will be right. I’ll see him for the man I fell in love with.

But today is not that day.