Page 67

CONAN

“ G et the fuck off me!” I shout, shaking the three men from me.

They tighten their restraint, my arms locked behind my back.

“Hallie!” It’s a desperate cry.

The disappointment on her face.

Not hurt or upset.

I fucking gutted her. I let her down.

And now? She’s gone. It’s all my fault.

I sink to the dirt and they let go, and my chest heaves.

“Fuuuuuck!” I scream at the top of my lungs.

Balling my fists, I smash them into the ground. Over and over again, hoping I’ll be able to feel something. Just anything.

Physical pain mutes the emotional turmoil.

But it doesn’t work. It never comes. I’m completely numb.

There was life before Hallie. It was dark, but it was bearable.

Then there was life with Hallie, where for the first time I started to picture my future with a goddamn smile on my face.

Life after losing Hallie? I don’t know how to do it.

Is this just how I will live now? Empty? Like I’m missing the other half of my soul?

I will never love again. There is only one woman who owns my heart. I had my chance at happiness, and I fucked it up.

“Conan!”

It’s like I can hear my brother shouting, but I can’t switch out of this state.

Pure fucking devastation.

The product of my own actions.

I might as well have cut my heart out of my chest and stomped on it. Repeatedly.

I hate myself.

I hate everything that I am.

I hate that I was never good enough for her.

And I hate what I’ve done to her.

A man like me doesn’t deserve to be happy.

All I do is break people I love.

I probably gave my mom that heart attack with all the stress I caused her.

My father died because of me and my stupid fucking rage.

No matter what I do, I always make myself the goddamn villain.

Hallie is safer far, far away from me, before I ruin her too. More than I just did.

She never asked for this lifestyle. Neither did I.

It was never a privilege. It’s a fucking curse.

But it’s one I have to deal with.

I just don’t know how the hell I’m ever going to live without her.

She was the highlight of my day, every day.

“Conan. Come on, we’ve got you,” Declan whispers, and they drag me up onto my feet.

Tears burn in my eyes. I can’t look at any of them. I can’t let them see me like this.

I rip my arm away from Declan’s grip, and I run, letting the tears fall down my cheeks as I head back to my cabin.

Grabbing the keys to my McLaren, I need to get away from Decadence. From everyone. All I can see is that hatred as she looked at me.

I promised I’d never hurt her and gave her permission to kill me if I ever did.

As I jump in the car, all I want to do is drive to hers. To explain everything. Unravel the final missing pieces of myself and let her have them.

Let her choose me.

I’m not sure she will ever forgive me for this, and it fucking stings.

So, instead, I head to my garage. And do what I do best…punch the shit out of things to stop myself from falling to pieces.

Because as much as there are many other people to blame for this, I can’t run from the fact that I am the problem.

These were my games, under my rule.

I was meant to protect her, and instead, I ruined her.