Page 47 of I Could Be Yours (The Toronto Terror #6)

ESSIE

“ O h my gosh, your hair!” Dred exclaims.

“Is it too drastic? It’s too drastic, isn’t it?” I run my fingers through it self-consciously.

“No. I love the pink streaks. It’s very you.” She glances at the box sitting close to the door. “What’s going on here? And what the heck are you eating?”

Dred and I are going to the Watering Hole to grab a bite to eat.

We’ve been home from Aruba for two weeks, and I’ve completed my Breakup Checklist. I watched all my favorite princess movies, took out my aggression and sadness on my dartboard, got a magic wand tattoo on my hip, and scrapbooked the heck out of the wedding photos I took. It’s time to move forward.

“It’s homemade chocolate icing.” Another item from my Breakup Checklist.

“And you’re eating it straight up?”

“Yup, while I watched all my favorite princess movies.” I use the spoon to point to the box. “And I cleaned out my lingerie drawer. Everything that I wore for Nate had to go.”

She nods slowly. “You guys had a lot of sex, huh?”

“We did.” I wish I’d been able to keep my heart out of it, but I’ve never been very good at that. I set the icing on the counter and grab my purse.

“You talk to him at all?” Dred asks as we step out into the hall.

I shake my head and make sure my apartment door is locked before we walk to the elevators. “He needs to figure himself out, and I need to give him the space to do that, even though it hurts.” The elevator arrives, and we climb aboard. It’s empty apart from us.

“Flip took him to retirement-village bingo the other night,” Dred notes.

I laugh at the prospect of grumpy, gorgeous Nate surrounded by grandmas. And then I almost burst into tears.

Dred puts her arm around me. “Sorry. We don’t have to talk about him.”

“I’m fine. Just residual feelings leaking out.” I pluck a tissue from my purse and dab at the corners of my eyes. “I guess that means he’s past the brokenhearted phase.”

The elevator doors slide open, and we step out into the warm August night.

“Eh, I don’t know about that. I think it’s more that Flip was tired of all the moping and felt like he needed to do something other than sit around the apartment and be sad.”

It’s a short walk to the Watering Hole. The familiar scent of wings, pizza, and beer greets me as we enter the pub. This is what I need—a dose of normalcy. I’m no stranger to shaking off heartbreak, but it feels harder this time.

We grab a table and order margaritas and some apps to share.

“Rix and Tristan look like they’re having the best time on their honeymoon,” Dred says.

“She’s in her glory, for sure.” Rix has been sending daily updates in our Babe chat. “And she really, really needed this vacation before she goes back to school in the fall.”

“She definitely deserves the break,” Dred agrees .

We talk and eat, and even though my heart still hurts, it feels good to be out with a friend.

My phone buzzes with a new message, and I glance at the screen. My stomach lurches and my heart rate spikes.

“Is he finally reaching out?” Dred asks. She doesn’t seem that surprised.

I bite my lip. “Should I check it? I should check it.”

“Do you want to check it?”

“Yes. No. Yes. It’s been two weeks. It feels like an eternity.” I open the message.

Nate

Hey. I’m so sorry for the silence. I’ve been working through my stuff. I don’t know if you’re up for it, but I’d really like to see you.

“He wants to meet up,” I whisper.

“What do you want?” Dred asks.

For my heart to stop hurting. To be able to trust my gut. To give my soft parts to the right person. “To hear what he has to say.”

“Then that’s what you should do.”

Essie

Okay.

Nate

Are you free tonight?

Essie

I’m with Dred right now.

Nate

Will you be available later? I could come to you.

My apartment is not ready for Nate, and I’m not ready for Nate to be in my apartment. Neutral territory would be better.

Essie

How about the Pancake House?

Nate

Just tell me what time, and I’ll meet you there.

Essie

Nine?

Nate

I’ll see you then.

Thank you.

“I’m meeting him in less than two hours,” I tell Dred. “Should I go home and change?”

“If you feel like you need to, but he’s woken up beside you plenty of times, hasn’t he?”

“He has.”

“So you don’t need to show him what he’s missing. He already knows.”

Nate is at the Pancake House when I arrive. He looks gorgeous, and nervous, and I have no idea what’s about to happen. I want to hear him out, but I don’t want to open myself up for another shot of heartache.

He stands and runs his hands over his thighs. “Hey.”

“Hey.” I slip into the booth before he can make a move to touch me. We’re not in a place where I can handle physical contact.

He takes his seat.

Rainbow, the server, comes over with coffee and water. “You need a few minutes with the menu?”

“I’ll have the cookies and cream milkshake, please.” I’ve been eating my feelings all day, why stop now?

“I’ll have the same,” Nate says .

“Sure thing!” Rainbow flounces off.

“How are you?” Nate asks. “You look good. You look great. I love the hair.”

“Thanks.” I finger one of the pink streaks. “I’m okay. How are you?”

“Okay. Getting better. The last couple of weeks have been rough,” he admits.

I nod. “Yeah. They haven’t been my favorite.”

He swallows. “I wanted to message before today, but I wasn’t ready.”

“But you’re ready now?” Everything feels so strained.

He nods.

“What are you ready for?”

“To talk things out.” He fidgets with the napkin. “You were right, Ess. I didn’t want you to be, but you were.”

My stomach sinks and knots. I look down at my hands and fight the tears. I don’t know if I’m ready to hear this.

“Not about me falling for you,” he rushes on. “I’m definitely in love with you.”

My heart drops from my throat back into my chest.

“But you were right that I was reacting to all the things happening around us. My mom showing up, taking the money…” He pauses to clear his throat.

“I couldn’t see anything clearly. And it wasn’t until I got home and had some time to process that I realized every time you stepped in to take care of me and offer me support, I diverted all my feelings into sex. ”

Rainbow sets our shakes on the table and quietly rushes away, red faced.

“I started therapy today,” Nate says softly.

“You did?” The hope blossoming in my chest scares the hell out of me.

He nods.

“How was it?”

“Pretty fucking awful, to be honest.” The pain in his voice and behind his eyes affirms this truth .

“Will you go again?” It’s one thing to start therapy; it’s another to stick with it.

“Yeah. Twice a week until I can sort through the hardest shit. Then we’ll adjust. I have some pretty deep-seated mommy issues, Ess.”

“I know.” I reach across the table, covering his hand with mine. “I’m sorry she’s such a disappointment.”

“Me too.” He sighs. “But I don’t want to go through life not being able to love someone the way they deserve, and you really deserve to have someone’s whole heart, Ess.”

“So do you,” I whisper.

“I want to be able to accept that, and believe it, but I think it’s going to take some work to get there.” He licks his lips. “I don’t know how long, but maybe you can give me some time to prove I’m going to make the effort?”

My whole body feels cold. I’m terrified that I could be setting myself up all over again. But he’s doing and saying all the right things. I care about him too much to just walk away.

So I nod. “I can give you time.”