Page 41 of I Could Be Yours (The Toronto Terror #6)

ESSIE

H e knows . My stomach feels like it’s about to turn itself inside out. Somehow he’s seen inside my head and has plucked out the fantasy where I’ve walked us down the aisle. That has to be the reason he looks serious and determined.

Just because he said he believes in love again, doesn’t mean he wants it himself, or even believes in it with me .

I swallow down the bile made of anxiety and the fear of heartache. “Sure, we can talk.”

The song changes, and people flood the dance floor, making it an easy escape.

Nate keeps his hand on my lower back as he leads me away from the wedding festivities.

His jaw is tight, and his brow is furrowed.

I’ve grown accustomed to his softness over the past few days, to the warm smiles and casual affection.

To falling asleep in his arms. I’m sure it’s about to come to a screeching halt, and I’m not ready.

He leads me to an empty gazebo by the beach. The moon reflects off the water, and the sky is a wash of twinkling stars. The waves lap the sand like a soft heartbeat. It’s perfectly romantic. Straight out of a fairy tale.

Nate tucks a hand in his pocket and turns to face me. “I need to apologize. ”

My throat is tight, and tears prick behind my eyes. How stupid that I let my heart out of its cage last night and forgot to put it back in when the sex was over. “For what?”

He rubs a hand over his chin. “For being a dick.”

I frown. “I don’t understand.”

“For ghosting you before I left for university.”

“Oh.” My stomach fills with lead. I shoved that hurt into the closet with all the other boys who did the same, used it to fuel my belief that I could keep my feelings out of the equation with Nate.

“That kiss…” He shakes his head.

“You don?—”

“It was the best kiss of my life. But then one of my friends started running his mouth, and I was leaving for Kingston in a few weeks, and I…” He runs a hand through his hair. “I panicked.”

Shame washes through me, and I have to avert my gaze. I can imagine what his friends said.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call,” he presses on. “I’m sorry I ghosted you, Ess. I didn’t want to start something when I was leaving in a few weeks. You were staying in Toronto, and I was going to be three hours away. It never would have worked.”

“It’s okay. I get it.” He wasn’t the first or the last guy to kiss me and make promises he never delivered on.

I was a serial dater in high school, which would have been less of a problem if I’d dated guys who didn’t go to my high school. But in grade eleven, I had a new boyfriend every other month, and four of them went to my school. Regardless, they all ended the same way: with me by myself again.

I was pretty and popular, and boys wanted a taste, but they didn’t want me . They wanted the checkmark of approval from their friends that they’d dated me. And every time my heart got stomped on, I believed just a little bit more that this was all I was. Someone to play with and discard.

But I still held onto hope for the fairy tale ending.

I had faith that someone would see what was underneath and want all of me.

That the love of a lifetime would find me the way it had found my parents when they met in university.

That one day, someone would think I was worth falling for.

I would finally give my heart to the right person, and they would take care of it.

“It’s not okay. I was a dick to you, and I kept being a dick when you moved back.

You just seemed so…unaffected. And I thought maybe that kiss didn’t mean to you what it meant to me.

It was a constant reminder of what I’d done all those years ago, and it made me feel like shit, so I took it out on you with my bad moods.

You didn’t deserve it. Not then and not now.

” His gaze meets mine, and he looks so pained .

“Essie, I…I like you.” He shakes his head. “No. That’s not true.”

The knife to the heart almost takes me to my knees.

“I don’t just like you.” His voice drops to a whisper, like he’s sharing a forbidden secret. “I want a life with you.”

For a moment, time stands still. This is the opposite of what I expected, and I’m reeling. His eyes are wild, the energy around him frenetic. Before I can even respond he starts again.

“It could work this time. You and me. You’ve been here all along.

You’ve never left. I was just too scared to take the risk.

” He motions to our surroundings. “Being here together just proves how good everything will be. I can see our whole future playing out like a slideshow, Ess. I can see it with you.” He barely takes a breath before he says, “I think we can do this. I love you.”

Understanding pushes its way in, stomping on his declaration.

He’s mistaking wedding magic for feelings.

His mother showing up, my taking care of him, his brother marrying the love of his life—all of it is swirling together, heightening his fragile state, making him believe what he’s saying is true.

But when we’re back in Toronto and reality settles in, he’ll realize none of what he thinks he’s feeling is real.

I fell into bed with Nate knowing he was the king of wrong guys. He’d already rejected me once, and it made him safe to have some fun with. I want fairy-tale romance, and he thinks it’s what he’s offering, but I know if I reach out and take it, it will slip through my fingers and disappear.

“You don’t, though,” I say softly, my heart already breaking at his confused expression.

“What?”

“You think you’re in love, Nate, but you’re not.

” I motion to the twinkle lights and all the people dancing, laughing, and having a great time in the distance.

“No one goes from hating the idea of commitment, to saying I love you nearly overnight. All of this is clouding your vision. You think you feel this way because we’re surrounded by people who are in love.

You want this to be real. Trust me, I get it.

It’s this beautiful beacon of hope, and I understand that you’re searching for something to hold on to—that you’re scared, especially with everything that’s happened, Nate. Your mom?—”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with her,” he snaps.

“But it does.” My throat is tight, eyes filling with tears.

“How could it not? She literally took the money and ran. You haven’t even had time to process it.

You won’t talk to me about it. How can you believe you want a life together when you won’t share your pain with me?

” My heart feels like it’s crumbling to dust. And right now, in this perfectly awful moment, I recognize I’m the one who’s fallen.

“You’re mistaking fear and lust for love, Nate. ”

His brow furrows. “But you took care of me.” He motions between us. “You keep taking care of me. I like how I feel when I’m with you.”

“I’m sure that’s true, but I’ve been a fun little distraction from all the things you want to avoid.

” I say it, I see the truth in it. Of course he’s been seeking an escape from the pain of it all.

And I gave him one. Willingly. “Everyone else’s happiness is influencing you right now.

You’re not serious about me and you don’t want a future with me.

In a week you’ll wake up and realize you professed your love to me out of fear, and then you’ll panic because it’s not what you want.

You’ve told me—you’ve told everyone—love isn’t real for years.

This is just the wedding vibes and hot sex talking. ”

I would know. This has happened to me before, too many times to count.

I’ve mistaken lust for something more, too.

It’s what I’ve been doing this whole time.

Whatever these feelings are that he thinks he has, they’ll fizzle out when we’re back in Toronto.

“Until this week you didn’t even have faith Rix and Tristan could last, let alone you and someone. ”

With that, his walls come up, and he shuts down. It’s what I’ve been waiting for, but it still shreds my heart.

“Right.” He takes a step back. “We were only ever just fucking.”

“Nate.” I reach for him, but he shifts away.

“You were very clear, and I didn’t listen. I get the message now.” He spins around and walks away.

And I just…let him.

Because when he’s had a chance to really think about it, he’ll realize I’m the one who’s right, even if I wish I weren’t. I don’t want to be the idea he clings to, the refuge he seeks to escape his pain. I want it to be real for him like it is for me.

“Essie?”

I look up to find Dred coming up the steps to the gazebo from the beach. “Hey.”

She glances around, maybe searching for the other half of my conversation. “You out here talking to your fairy godmother?”

I laugh. “I wish I had one.”

“Can’t promise any magic, but I’m good at listening, if you want to tell me what’s going on.”

“It’s Nate.”

She nods and rests her hip against the railing. “There’s been a vibe.”

“You’re good at catching the vibes, aren’t you?” She was in the know on the Lexi-Roman situation before the rest of us had a clue .

She nods. “I am.”

I word-vomit the entire story, starting with the kiss in high school and ending with me sabotaging Nate’s declaration—but I leave out the part about his mother showing up.

She sighs. “Ah, well it all makes good sense now.”

“He can’t be falling for me.” I need someone else to confirm this, to tell me I’m right. I have to be, it’s the only thing that makes sense.

Her smile is soft and understanding. “Love makes us vulnerable in a way nothing else can, and Nate doesn’t really seem like the type of guy who makes himself vulnerable on a whim.

Love opens us up for wonderful and painful things.

Look at Rix and Tristan. She was devastated that she’d fallen for him, and he was terrified of loving her.

They both had to face their own feelings and fears.

Maybe Nate’s just had his epiphany. And maybe now it’s your turn. ”

“I love people who will never love me back,” I admit.

“That’s not entirely true, though, is it? You love Rix, and she loves you back just as fiercely.”

“Yeah, but it’s different. She’s my best friend. She’ll never leave me, and I’ll never leave her.”

“Your relationship with Rix is so special, Ess. And you’re right that platonic love is different, but it’s still love, and it still makes us vulnerable. We should all be so lucky to have the kind of friendship you and Rix do.”

“You have that with Lexi and Flip,” I say.

“You’re right, I do. Lexi is very much like a sister to me.

We understand each other in a way not everyone can because we share common trauma.

And I’ve had a lot of brothers and sisters over the years, but Flip is the truest family I’ve ever had.

They both might as well be blood with how much space they take up in my heart. ”

“Flip really is your best friend, isn’t he?”

“He is. One day, when he gets his head out of his ass and realizes his soul mate is waiting for him to finally fucking see her , I’ll be the one to help him through all those feelings.”

I arch a brow. “Are you talking about who I think you’re talking about?”

“I think her harmless teenage crush has shifted in the last year.”

“It’ll be messy when it happens, won’t it?”

“Yeah. But she needs to live a little more, and he’s not there yet, which isn’t a bad thing, so that’s a bridge for another day.

Back to you and love. You’re surrounded by people who adore you and see you, Essie.

All of you. Anyone lucky to be in your orbit knows that you’re wickedly smart, and kind, and generous, and the space in your heart is limitless.

Take some of the faith you have in other people’s love and share it with yourself.

Nate might be your person, but how will you know if you don’t give your hearts a chance outside of this bubble? ”