Page 8 of Holden: Bucked By Love (Crawford Ridge Ranch #1)

Eventually we'd sat up and started our list. I'd never romantically or officially proposed to Leni.

It had simply been decided one day, and never questioned again.

The next week, we'd sat together and written this Buck-It List. Because – according to Leni – our relationship was different, and it was going to stay that way.

We weren't going to get old and boring, and stuck in our routines like we'd seen the cow folk community around us do.

And this list was going to be the way we kept things interesting .

I read through the list with my heart racing. It hadn't been long, or too crazy, if I remember right.

1 – Ride the mechanical bull at the County Fair every June – until we're too old and might break a hip.

2 – Enter the pie eating contest on July 4th

3 – Enter a line dancing contest

4 – Karaoke. Both have to sing – solo

5 – Skinny dip in Maple Pond

At this one I chuckle under my breath. Leni thought it was so scandalous, and I kept telling her that we'd be married and people would practically assume we were skinny dippers.

Heaven knew my parents had done it regularly enough that my brothers and I had stopped telling them how gross we found it, and simply accepted that it was happening.

6 – Ride a tandem bike down Main Street while playing the song "Endless Love" on a loudspeaker.

I groan at this one. No way that was actually happening, ever. I did not need or want the attention.

7 – Get married and become the most fun parents, and stay in love forever.

I sigh and wonder what Leni would think if she saw this list now.

We'd gotten married on one of the happiest days of my life, and I think we're pretty good parents, but are we still in love?

Or, maybe the real question is, is Leni still in love with me?

Because I might have been an absentee husband for a while now, but my feelings for Leni still run deep and heavy, like she's been poured into my soul's footings and my life won't stand firm without her.

I fall asleep holding the list, thinking about what happens from here, and when I wake to my alarm far too early, I leave the list sitting on my bed.

I get dressed as quietly as I can so that I don't disturb the kids.

I'm not worried about leaving them here.

They're essentially sleeping in our backyard, which is a regular summer activity in these parts, and Leni's car is in the drive.

She knows I go early, and she'll most likely be up, watching for them.

My stomach growls as I walk toward my truck, shoving my cowboy hat onto my head.

I'll have to snag some breakfast from the homestead when I get there, if I can find something.

Lately my mama's been stingy with the food, which is confusing on top of all the other things I'm dealing with.

My food stores in the trailer are empty, and I'm getting a little desperate.

Not enough that I'm going to bother anyone with it though.

I glance toward the cabin and see that, sure enough, the small window in our ensuite bathroom is on.

She's up. I can picture her wavy hair falling into her sleepy eyes, and the way she shuffles into the bathroom on feet that don't want to move.

Leni looks so snuggly and sweet in the mornings, but she's more like a feral hog that was disturbed from her hibernation. I miss her grumping at me.

Two hours later, I've had a cold breakfast that I had to sneak out of my childhood kitchen, and I'm riding my horse, Twister, far from the homestead in a pasture that I'm hoping will be ready for grazing next month, when my phone alerts me to a text.

I tug it out of the front pocket of my Western-style shirt and see it's from Mason.

At twelve, I don't think Mason has any business having a phone, but Leni disagrees, saying with how often I'm gone – including overnight sometimes – he needs a way to communicate with me, without her being the go-between.

We'd settled on a phone that can talk and text but nothing more .

. . and she was right. I love having a way to connect with him.

Mason

What's this list I found on your bed?

I imagine Mason reading the Buck-It List and I'm not sure how to respond at first. I hadn't thought about them possibly finding it.

Things are a little off kilter with me being out of the house, and I'm doing my best not to rock one single boat.

How will Leni feel about Mason finding the list?

What would she think about seeing it again?

In the end, I decide on honesty, and hope it's the right move. As a parent, it usually is.

That's a list your mom and I made when we were engaged.

Mason

Oh, I get it, a bucket list. laugh face

Mason has Leni's sense of humor, and I love that he immediately got her joke.

I smile and shift as Twister side-steps a rock in our path.

I'd nearly forgotten we were walking, but Twister knows all these paths by heart.

We walk them many times every year, and I trust him with my life.

Which is why I kept moving while texting.

It's not as dangerous as driving and texting, but still.

I pull Twister to a stop and he's quick to settle into a relaxed stance – another thing a ranch horse knows about.

There's a lot of standing and observing in our days.

Me: Yep

Mason

Did you do it?

Nope. We put it in the box and forgot about it, I guess

Mason

You should do it now

My stomach clenches. That list was made by two kids about to turn nineteen, who had no earthly clue what they were doing or how married life would change them.

I can't imagine doing it now. The very idea of approaching Leni with it kicks up nausea.

I know she'd reject it out of hand. Possibly scoff.

Would there be any softness in her gaze as she read the lines we'd written together?

I don't think so, buddy

Mason

Why?

I take off my hat and scratch at hair that's already growing damp with sweat in the June heat. I feel trapped. Leni usually guides these types of conversations. But she isn't here, and I'm the dad, so I guess I'd better figure it out.

Things with your mom and I are kind of uncertain right now

Mason

Maybe doing these things would help

I frown and suck my lips into my mouth against my teeth. He has a point. Maybe some fun is exactly what the two of us could use. This kid of mine.

When did you get so smart?

Mason

So yes?

Let me think about it

I don't hear back from him, and figure he's run off to swim or whatever it is he's doing during his summer days to stay busy.

I squeeze my calves to get Twister moving again, and when I'm satisfied that this grazing pasture is growing how I need it to, I move on toward the east field where I need to check on some possible damming of our water source.

Walker began the health assessments this morning and mentioned he was seeing some signs of dehydration, which most likely means access to water has been restricted somehow.

It takes me twenty minutes to lope over, and as I do I let my thoughts run on to the animals and pastures, water and fencing, my parents and brothers, and the ranch hands we employ.

The weight of caring about all of that so deeply sometimes makes my shoulders feel heavy and my breathing tight.

But the ranch is running as well as it ever has – better if I'm to believe my dad – and even I can admit that it's thanks to my hard work.

So why do I feel empty?

I dismount near what should be a full creek at this point in the summer and give Twister his head so he can drink deeply as I drink from my canteen and scan the area.

It doesn't take me long to find the blockage.

We had a major storm high in the mountains last week and the debris finally caught up to us downstream.

I'll need my brother Landry to bring the UTV and a few guys over to haul the big logs out of the way and get the water flowing again.

I pull out my phone to text him and see a text waiting from Leni. I want to read that one first, but duty calls and I know that if I put it off there's a chance I'll forget. So, once I've dropped a location pin to Landry with instructions, I open the text from my wife.

Leni

Did you put Mason up to this?

A picture of her holding the Buck-It List is under the text and my throat goes dry. Mason showed it to her and she sounds angry. Not good.

No. I found it in the camper last night and left it on my bed. He must have seen it this morning.

Those three dots appear telling me she's typing and I nearly go crazy waiting to see which way this one is going to go. I actually cross my fingers, hoping that the universe will be on my side.

Leni

I forgot about it

My shoulders relax. I can work with this. Thank you God, universe, and all the magical fairies Josi tells me about.

Me too. It was fun to read

Leni

Yeah. Lots of memories.

There were three heart rocks in the box too

Leni

Really? They didn't get lost?

No. They're by the camper bed if you want to see them

Leni

Maybe another time

That stings, but I let it go, not willing to start something when we're having a halfway decent conversation that's lasting more than thirty seconds and isn't about our children.

While I think about how to reply, a text from Mason dings and I see that he's started a group text with me and Leni. That little pot-stirrer.

Mason

You two should do the list

I'm not about to be the first one to reply, and I watch to see what Leni says, but when she doesn't respond either I have a thought hit.

Leni chose to separate herself from me because she thinks I don't care.

Me not responding is going to confirm that, and it's not true.

So, I take a huge breath and send something I pray doesn't make things worse.

Oh, yeah?

There. Nice, safe, non-confrontational. Curious. Open. I feel good about it.

Leni

I don't think so, buddy

Knife, meet confidence balloon. Popped.

I can admit my reply lacked enthusiasm, but still, at least I didn't shoot it down like Leni did.

I take off my hat and slap it against my leg, causing Twister to look up from where he's been casually munching wild grasses.

Dust flies off my jeans and hat, and I'm suddenly angry.

I'm out here working my tail off for her, day in and day out, for thirteen years, and she gets to be the one who's hurt?

She doesn't want to engage with me ? What about what I want or what I need? Maybe I need some attention too.

Maybe I'm tired of being the bad guy. Maybe she should see how it feels to have the kids look at her with disappointment.

I practically crack my phone as I force my fingers against the screen and type.

I think it would be fun

I hit send and thankfully the anger and frustration keep me from immediately feeling regret. Chew on that, Lenora , I think with a smirk.

Mason

Yes Dad!!!!!

My son is obviously on my side and the solidarity feels amazing.

Mason

Say you'll do it Mom! Please!

Yeah, Leni. Ball's in your court this time.

Mason

I can help you. Josi would love it too.

Oof. Little man pulling out the big guns. I laugh out loud, in the field, and Twister glances at me again, the sun catching his shiny coat .

It's not like me to get competitive . . .

actually, it used to be exactly like me.

I'd forgotten the rush of challenging someone to something, and knowing I could win.

Leni and I used to egg each other on all the time, and a thrill chases up my back.

Now I have to hope that my old Leni is still in there somewhere – the one who would meet me head-to-head and that my sudden emotional explosion didn't make things worse.

Leni

Fine. Let's do it.

This time, I toss my hat in the air and whoop. It is on.