Page 3 of Holden: Bucked By Love (Crawford Ridge Ranch #1)

Leni

Yoga did nothing to help me settle down tonight.

Neither did a shower or snuggling with Mace and Jo-Jo.

My heart is thundering out of my chest, making me feel like a hot flash is coming on.

I'm too young for hot flashes. I'm only thirty-two.

Plus, I should be prepared for this. I've known for weeks that this conversation needed to happen, but Holden missing Mason's swim meet today was the last straw.

He's so completely disconnected, and I can't do it anymore.

I can't be lonely every single day, missing a man I chose and not even registering in his life anymore.

I push the words out, and all he does is nod.

He stays silent, and my eyes turn to the angry slits that have become so familiar to both of us.

Of course he's not going to say a word. He never talks to me anymore.

I've started wondering if he actually has thoughts, or if they all evaporated as he transitioned from beloved spouse to robot.

I sigh, long and slow. "I'm miserable, and you're silent, and I just . . ." I wave a hand around and bite at my lips. I knew it would hurt, but this is far beyond simple hurt. I'm tearing out my own heart. "I can't." I state painfully. "I just can't. "

I watch him, hoping for some sort of response to this announcement, but he takes it all in as though he isn't surprised. He used to know me through and through, so maybe he understands on some level that my unhappiness runs deep. If he does, that ticks me off even more.

He finally confirms this in low, soft tones. "I know."

I tilt my head. "You know?" I pause, leaving him an opening to say more, but his words are stuck behind the wall he built, the one that holds back the soft places inside him.

I lick my lips and suck in a deep breath through my nose.

"Okay. All right." I slap my palms on the table, the noise loud and echoing out into the darker parts of the house where our two children sleep.

"I promised myself that I'd be patient and have a civil conversation about this, but, honestly, why try to spare your feelings when you're apparently aware of how sad I am and you've accepted it?

" I push to stand, my movements tight with annoyance.

"You won't talk to me anyway." Agitated, I whirl in a circle and stop, facing him again.

"When did you stop talking to me?" Another pause.

"And why? We were a team. We were supposed to be a team.

" My words end in a whisper that has him leaning toward me.

I take him in, my eyes running over his familiar face.

Holden's dark brown hair is still damp after his shower.

He keeps it short because he wears a hat most of the time, which is proven by the stark white tan line across his forehead.

The rest of his face is sun-bronzed, making his hazel eyes pop.

Eyes that Josi shares. His full lips are tense in a straight line, and I suddenly miss his smile with a ferocity that makes me want to weep.

If I thought weeping would help anything, I'd gladly crumple to the floor and wail right now.

He stands, abruptly. "Leni . . ." he starts, coming toward me around the table, but I hold up a shaking hand .

The clock ticks as he stares at me. Tick, tick, tick.

I drop my hand. "I want to separate," I whisper through clenched teeth.

The words, even though I think we've expected them, punch us both in the chest. My lungs feel compressed and I watch his body fold in on itself, his shoulders bowing forward.

"What?" he breathes, like he can't believe they've been spoken out loud, like he can't catch any air in this stale space either.

I nod, and my body softens in relief as the long-held words break free. It's the strangest thing, but I feel cold and clear, like I've plunged into a pool of crystal-clear water and it's jolted me awake.

"I want to separate, Holden." I say with more confidence. I pace back and forth between the table and the kitchen counter, watching my feet as my two fingers tug at my lower lip, a move I do when I'm deep in thought. "We'll go live with my sister, Steph."

"We?"

I look at him quizzically. "Yes. Me and the kids. You don't think I'd just leave without them?" I scoff, lips pinched. "You're never home. They need to be where I am."

The first sign of anger slashes across his features. I can see pain in his eyes, but it's buried quickly. "You can't take my kids."

I huff. "Holden, I don't want to take your kids away from you. You're a great dad, but let's be honest here – that's only when you're around. They need a parent, on site, with them. They come with me."

He shakes his head, running his work-roughened hands through his dark hair.

I wish I could read his thoughts, but if they're anything like mine, they're swimming in pain and I can't carry that for both of us.

I swallow around the lump in my throat. I may be relieved to have the words spoken, and I might know it's the right thing to do, but it's still slicing my heart in half.

"Thirteen years," he whispers shakily. "You can't walk away from that so easily."

I lash out without thinking. "You did."

The words shatter his stiff expression and he sits back down with a heavy thump. "No, I didn't. Everything I've been doing has been to take care of you and Mason and Josi. Everything."

I shake my head, sick of this reasoning. "Maybe that's how it started out, but somewhere along the way you stopped knowing what we really needed."

His breathing has grown fast, his eyes heated. "What did you really need that I haven't killed myself to give you?"

It's almost funny that he asks, because he should know. I've been asking for a long time. "You, Holden. We needed you."

The silence falls again, deafening against the cuckoo clock as it sounds the hour.

Ten p.m. I should be sleeping by now. I used to sleep so well next to him, enjoying the hard press of his bigger body against my side, feeling safe and protected.

Lately it's been silent and cold, and I never feel rested.

Maybe now that the big unspoken monster is out I can find some respite.

Holding it in has made me squirmy and on edge.

"Stay here. Please," he says at last. "It's your home. It's the kids' home. I'll go."

I nod once, some of my worries alleviated by the offer.

I didn't want to leave this cabin and have to explain to the family and the entire town of Pinehaven why I wasn't living with my husband.

I want privacy while we try to figure this out, and I don't want to yank the kids away from their grandparents and uncles, who live on the same land .

I may be ready to separate, but I'm not totally ready to burn it all down. Yet.

"Where will you go?" I ask him.

"I'll stay in the camper. I'll be close."

The camp trailer parked on the backside of our property is a good solution I hadn't thought of.

It's within eyesight, but not hearing distance and will give him access to the kids still, which is the biggest reason I've had for delaying this conversation.

Mace and Jo-Jo love their daddy, and I don't take separating them lightly.

"That's a good plan," I reply.

"To be clear, Lenora, just because I'm saying I'll stay in the camper, doesn't mean I'm okay with this separation," he adds, the words harsh and firm.

Ugh. His use of my full name means he's angry. Where was this fire and fight as we slowly drifted? Or when I asked him to re-engage, to step back from some of the ranch responsibility? When I was literally begging for his attention? Now, I'm not sure it's welcome. I'm so, so tired.

I fold my arms across my chest, the silk of my pink pajama top cool against my forearms. "It's too late to pretend this isn't where we were headed. I need some space to figure things out."

A flicker of fear chases down my back as I speak things that can't be undone easily.

Everyone knows that separation is the first step to divorce.

I look at his face and can't believe we're here.

We were going to beat the odds. Holden and Lenora – a fated match if there ever was one.

I can't bear to think about it too much, it hurts so bad.

He stands once more. "I'll pack a bag. I think there's already bedding in the camper. We can talk to the kids tomorrow. "

I nod, pretending he'll actually be around tomorrow to have that conversation and that it won't fall to me to handle everything.

I move to the living room and sit on the couch, watching as he goes down the hall past where our children sleep in their first-floor rooms, unaware that something major just transpired.

Our room is upstairs, and the darkness surrounds him as he makes his way into the loft area.

How did this happen when Holden was the only thing I truly wanted in life?

If there's anything more satisfying than venting to your sister, I haven't found it yet.

My older sister, Stephanie, is my biggest fan – and I mean that in a humble, grateful way.

She honestly seems to believe that rainbows shoot out of my head, and fairies sleep next to me on my pillow.

The fact that she believes the same thing about herself makes the entire thing amusing.

Steph's belief that I can do no wrong is exactly what I need a couple of days later as we walk the dirt path surrounding Maple Pond while Mason and Josi are at the pool on the adjoining property.

The morning was rough, which seems to be par for the course this week.

Josi is ticked that I'm making her take swimming lessons.

She'd much rather be at story time at the library, ignoring all the other humans.

Mason is ticked that he'll have to watch her after his swim practice until I get back – a full five minutes after it all ends .