Page 16 of Holden: Bucked By Love (Crawford Ridge Ranch #1)

"You having to apologize for touching me." I tap my chest. "Your wife."

He mulls that over for a minute, and answers after the next explosion. "I think when you stopped wanting my touch."

The words are painfully honest, and I'm okay with the talk being on hold while sparkling lights fill the sky above us. I can feel the reverberation in my chest, and the sound of good old Fourth of July music blaring through the speakers. It's peaceful enough that my guard comes down a bit.

"I fell into resentment," I say hesitantly.

He nods slowly. "An emotion I'm familiar with."

Surprised, I glance over. "Really? "

I can tell he wants to scoff at me, but he buries it. "You're mad that I'm gone so much, and I sometimes resent that you're angry over me working hard to provide for you."

I bury my own scoff. "That excuse grew old, especially when I've watched your dad prioritize your mom for years."

"And how do you think my dad has had the time to prioritize Mama in the years you've been around to see?" he asks.

I bite at my lip, and shame blooms as I realize it's a question I've never asked but already know the answer to.

"You," I whisper, and he leans in close to hear.

"Yeah. Me. I stepped in and he had the time.

It wasn't always that way. Mama spent a lot of time alone with us boys, especially as Dad decided to work on expanding the operation.

He wanted us to have a piece of it, and he knew that we'd need to grow beyond a simple ranching operation if there was going to be enough work and profit for all of our families.

" His shoulder is pressing against mine and I don't pull away.

I don't want the kids to hear this conversation, and I can't yell to be heard over the aerial display.

He clears his throat. "I thought you wanted to be home with our kids. I worked hard so that you could."

If only things were that simple, but they weren't. I had said that, and I'd meant it. I love being home with our kids, but I didn't realize that my husband would lose himself in making that possible.

"I did want that. I still do, sort of."

"Sort of?" he asks.

"I guess I didn't realize how lonely that would be, or how much of myself I'd have to give up.

We're already isolated out on our property, but add to that the demands of parenting little kids and I .

. . I tried not to bother you with my loneliness.

I knew your job was demanding, and I felt guilty complaining. "

"Mama was only two minutes away," he states.

Now I do roll my eyes, but I soften it by playfully shoving at his shoulder with mine. "Just the cure for loneliness . . . your mother-in-law."

He gives me a look. "She's great."

"She is," I laugh. "Truly. She's been kind and helpful, and I've enjoyed talking to her.

But she's also nearly twice my age and not at all in the same phase of life I am.

Plus, I can't complain about my life to her when she thinks you pooped out the sun and stars and are personally responsible for all good in the world. "

"You were lonely for someone to complain to?"

I shake my head, chuckling some more. "Of course I was.

This is Wife 101. It doesn't have to be big things, but we connect with other women over dirty socks and beard hair in the sink, and how hard it is to go days on end during calving season without your husband coming home, or sick kids and messy houses and picky eaters.

It makes us feel like we're all normal and it's going to be fine. "

"I hated being away so much, but I didn't know how else to make the ranch into what it's become.

I love it, but it can be a burden, and I didn't want you to carry all that worry too.

I wanted you to always know that you'd have food and shelter, and if I told you about the lean times or the ways I put in extra work, well, that might make you feel less secure. "

I pat his leg and feel his thigh flex under my hand. "You could have told me that. Instead it was all this is how it is being a ranch wife, you'll have to toughen up ," I say in a low tone meant to represent him. "I literally thought you never missed me. "

He crosses his booted ankles and my hand falls back onto my lap. "I missed you. You could have come too, slept out under the stars like we always talked about."

My answering smile is sad. "With two babies? Not as fun or romantic as you'd think. It was easier to let you go and do my best at home."

"Where you were lonely and feeling resentful."

"Yes, just like you, out under those stars, feeling lonely and resentful."

His mouth twitches and he nods. I let silence fall between us as I process through all we've shared tonight. I feel like I understand a little more about Holden's reality over the past twelve years. I hope he understands a little more about mine.

And I really hope that maybe, just maybe, if we keep talking like we did tonight, we might find that we're still connected underneath it all.

The fireworks wrap up pretty soon after that, and we gather our tired babies and our blankets and chairs and follow the long, steady stream of slow-moving automobiles out of the park and down the main street.

By the time we reach the outskirts of town, the traffic is clearing, and we leave the windows down as we fly along the paved two-lane highway that leads to Crawford Ridge Ranch, and home.

Josi zonks out quickly, and Mason rides with his head propped against the doorframe, letting the wind hit him in the face as he listens to the music I selected on the radio. It's peaceful, nice. A good kind of tired.

Holden's arm rests out the window and he steers with his right hand.

I watch his face in the glow of the dash and think about what we spoke of tonight.

He carried so much weight, and I was so busy carrying my own that I wasn't great at seeing his.

Some of the resentment I've held onto begins to melt into curiosity about what his experience has been.

Is this one of those hazards of marrying young?

Were we both too immature to see outside of ourselves?

"Thanks for today," I say as the wind blows through my hair.

He looks over. "It was good, but I'll never eat another cherry again."

I laugh, and the wind takes the sound away, but not before I see Holden's smile in a pair of headlights coming the other way. It's that same smile he had when we were young, and he found me delightful. I hope he can find me delightful again someday.